Barely Legal Page #3

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I just find it too hard...

it is... to give in to carnal pleasure.

When he sacrificed so much for us,

So...

Gonna go out there, right?

And then we're gonna totally

throw these ones.

- They're gonna hit...

- Hey, guys. I Whoa!

- Have you seen Jake?

- Uh, n... no. No.

All right.

Okay. All right, focus. Focus. Focus.

Oh, there he is.

Oh, he got me the puppy that I wanted.

How could he?

Sue, what happened?

Did you guys do it?

Sue.

He doesn't want me.

- Because he's gay.

- No, he's not.

He just really loves Jesus.

Oh, come on, Sue.

The only reason you even liked him.

Is because you knew he was never

a real possibility for you.

Look, the only way

you are gonna find out.

What kind of man you really want.

Is to know what kind of woman

you really are deep inside.

- What?

- Come with me.

- Where?

- To meet your dark side.

Out!

Everyone out!

Sue, it's time for you and your vagina.

To meet face to face.

No.

I really can't.

I really don't think I can do this.

I'm not letting you out until you look.

Sue... can you see it?

Sue.

I'm almost... I'm almost there.

Oh.

What?

What? Sue, what happened?

What did you see?

- A raccoon?

- What?

You overshot it.

Aim the mirror further up.

I can't.

Please don't make me do that again.

Okay, fine. Fine.

I didn't want to do this,

but you leave me no choice.

- What?

- You really need an orgasm.

Honestly,

I don't know how you expected.

To ever have sex with someone else.

When you've never even

had it with yourself.

This really has to be your first step.

- Lex, I'm ready.

- Coming.

Sue, uh, my black vibrator.

Is somewhere in the top drawer.

Just find it and use it.

Well, wait.

What does the black vibrator look like?

It's black. It vibrates.

- Come on, Rod. Let's go to sue's room.

- Okay.

And don't come back

until you have at least one orgasm.

Hey, cutie! Cutie!

B*obs... eye!

Ah, yeah!

Beg. Beg. Bang. Bang.

Good boy. Straighten up.

Good boy. Good boy.

He knows over a hundred commands.

I'm sorry. I can't see anything.

- That is not funny, Cheryl.

- That b*tch.

Fortunately when you're blind,

you get used to things like that.

Oh.

Oh sh*t

What's wrong with this thing?

Cheryl, what is wrong?

Lexi, it's Jake.

He was getting a blow job

by some pink... haired girl.

For sure?

I mean, I know I've been putting off

having sex with him,

so maybe... maybe it's my fault.

That's no excuse.

He's a dirtbag. How dare he?

I know. It's awful.

I mean, I thought I was gonna marry him.

Oh, no. Oh, my god.

It's a text.

It's from him.

Um, I can't bear myself to read it.

Okay.

Uh, he's looking for you.

He wants to give you your birthday gift.

Oh, I can't face him.

- Um, I have to go. I'm going.

- No. You can't just leave.

Well, I can't stay

and just pretend like nothing happened.

I mean, maybe I should confront him.

No. He'll either deny it.

Or admit and promise never to do it again.

Either way, it's bullshit.

I see only one option.

- I'm leaving.

- Revenge sex.

Rev... I mean, what?

What does that even mean?

It means you find a guy,

you screw his brains out.

And you let jake catch you.

But he... I mean,

He doesn't even care.

He doesn't even care about me.

I mean, why would...

He's just into other girls.

Trust me. He'll care.

Seriously, this is the worst

thing you could do to him,

to his ego, to screw someone else.

When you've never

even had sex with him,

Especially if it's with someone smarter,

Better... Looking.

And with a bigger dick.

No, I... I couldn't.

Plus, I mean,

there's... there's no one smarter...

a... and better... Looking.

Eric. He's perfect.

Eric Hall? Are you kidding?

I mean, he wouldn't even be into me.

He likes your type.

Really?

And what type is that?

Slutty.

Yeah. Trust me. He's amazing.

I fooled around with him once.

He has this great tongue ring.

Oh. No. I could never fool around.

With somebody

you've fooled around with.

Okay, then. Fine.

We will find someone else,

someone that I haven't

fooled around with.

I don't...

Okay, what does it matter.

That I fooled around with him? I mean,

it's... you're not gonna marry the guy.

Mmm. No, I just couldn't do it.

Fine. If you want to live the rest

of your life.

Knowing that you had one chance

to do the right thing.

To make your boyfriend feel.

Like a total worthless piece of garbage.

And possibly even scar him

for the rest of his existence.

And you chose not to do it, go ahead.

But honestly, I don't know

how you'll be able to live with yourself.

I don't know.

Trust me. It's going to work.

Okay, I will intercept Jake.

And get him upstairs.

- Hi, Cheryl. Happy birthday.

- Okay, enough chitchat.

- Hey, I was...

- F*** no!

Hey.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

- Have you guys seen Jake?

- No?

So...

Happy birthday.

Uh, do you know that most people think.

That the happy birthday song

was from britain?

But it's actually from us. U.s.

A... America.

- United states.

- I know where we live.

Right. Of course.

Okay, Jesus, Eric.

Are you gonna make your move or not?

Oh, you want me to move?

Yeah. No, I can totally move. I just... I...

No. You're fine.

Oh. Jake!

So, Eric, do you want to do it or not?

I'm sorry. It?

- What, um...

- It... like monkey... boning.

And, like, pigs in a blanket,

Get real nasty.

Oh. Oh, you mean like, uh...

Right now?

I mean, well, yeah.

You know, the sooner the better,

Yeah. Sure. I mean, yeah. Of course.

Um, I just never realized that you...

I mean...

Whew. Uh...

It's just...

You're so...

- You're so beautiful and...

- Okay, um...

Uh, no kissing.

Right. Um, of course. Sorry?

So, um, do you want to unwrap me?

Oh, wow. Uh, you're wrapped up.

Like a hot pocket or...

a leftover macaroni and cheese.

Not that you're left over. You're not.

Y... You're fresh.

Organic.

Yep.

- So the wrap.

- Right.

Where's the, uh...

It's, uh... the edge is, like,

right over here.

- Oh, oh. Yeah. Here it is. It's... I see it.

- Yeah.

Uh, just, uh. Yes uh...

S... Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I... I'm...

That's... That's okay.

Do it again.

Sorry, I... I bite my nails,

- so it's a little difficult sometimes.

- You know what?

Let me just lay on the bed.

Okay.

Uh. Let me just see.

- Oh, here it is. I got it.

- All right. Just, um, pull it.

Let me just...

Oh, jeez. Cheryl, are you...

- Are you okay?

- Help. Help.

Hey, Cheryl, are you okay?

Oh, jeez.

Well, that was stupid.

Yeah.

How you doing tonight?

You having a good time?

Yeah? Good.

- Jake, I think I saw Cheryl upstairs.

- What?

I can't hear you.

Need another beer.

- Chips are so damn salty.

- Jake!

- So anyway...

- Upstairs!

- Yeah.

- Hold on. Gotta take a piss.

Too much beer.

Finally.

I, uh... set me just get the blinds.

Oh, oh. No, no, no. No, no, no.

- Um, don't... don't worry about it.

- What?

I mean, I want us to be able

to see each other.

Oh.

- Well, okay.

- Okay.

You like that, baby, huh?

What are you doing?

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