Barely Legal Page #4

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Uh, I think it's time,

you know, to... do it.

- Um, not yet. More foreplay.

- Huh? Oh.

J... A... K...

So good.

Oh.

- Yep.

- Oh. My jaw.

- Jaw. Jaw.

- Jaw. Wh... What? What?

Oh...

- L... Lockjaw. Lockjaw.

- Is that even a thing?

I don't know.

Are you okay?

N... No, no, no.

It's, uh... It's fine.

I'm just e... embarrassed.

It's probably TMJ.

Or fracture, swollen...

You sure you're okay?

Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

- Okay, great. Have fun.

- Oh!

- Now. Now. Let's do it now, now.

- No, not yet. Not yet.

I'm gonna come.

- No. Not yet.

- I'm gonna come. Are you ready?

No! No! No, no, no!...

No, no, no! Not yet! Lexi!

Lexi! Oh, sh*t.

No means no.

Huh? Oh, I... I'm so sorry.

I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's been a really long time,

And I just... I haven't masturbated.

Very many...

Uh... Uh.

Oh. Hey, Jake.

How you doing?

- How's it going?

- Good.

Eric? Come.

Excuse me!

Cheryl's in...

What's up, bro?

What the f*** is...

Hey, wait.

Lex, babe, still waiting.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't see. I'm blind.

Damn it.

I'm gonna say something to that b*tch.

Hey, you.

You better stop making fun

of the blind,

Or I'm gonna teach you a lesson.

I'm so sorry.

I'll never make fun of the blind again.

God

These water balloons,

They feel so real.

- They are real, b*tch.

- I'm sorry.

Freak.

This just isn't working out.

Oh, man. No more water balloons.

This party's ass.

Yeah, yeah...

This just isn't working.

Nothing. What's the big deal

about these vibrators anyway?

Gotta be careful, man.

The lock sticks.

Spark it up.

- All right.

- Yes.

Oh, man.

I love this game.

Where's the controllers?

- We gotta play.

- Uh, here. Here, Here, here, here.

- Okay, let me find.

- Another one.

Whoo!

- Whoa!

- Look at this.

Oh, my...

get that thing away. Jesus.

Hey, dude, nice shot.

Wasn't me.

Whoa. Nice.

Are you sitting on it or something?

Hey, you found the grenade launcher.

Nice. Nice.

Do you have the extra controller?

Whoa!

- You are the controller.

- No. I just...

I didn't. I sw... ear I...

- And I was like, don't leave, so...

- Hey, Sue.

One second.

It's okay. Uh, hey, Sue.

Hey, didn't you hear me calling you?

Yeah. I just needed to,

Oh. Sure.

Listen, Sue, I...

I was rethinking what I said earlier.

You were?

You mean...

Yeah.

So you think we should give it a try?

Could we go get a drink?

Wow. Um, your toilet's really...

Clogged. You sh...

You know what? I... I gotta go.

- Um, happy birthday.

- Un, no, Chris!

No! That wasn't... I didn't...

God, never mind.

This was the worst idea ever.

I'm never going to have sex.

Ow.

Hello. A little attention here.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

- Lex, don't be selfish.

- Oh, right. Sorry.

Jeez.

Who invented this stupid

position anyway?

Too much f***ing multitasking.

Screw it.

Let's just do it.

This is it.

What is it?

Uh, I can't...

Seem to get it in.

Ow!

- Don't force it, please.

- Sorry.

Thank you.

We were so hot last week.

What the hell is different?

What? Why did this happen?

Well, JJ was there last time.

Oh, yeah. JJ.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Could it be

that I've become such a slut...

that I need a threesome

to even get excited?

I've used up all my juices.

I've gone dry,

like a used... up orange.

So is, uh, JJ here tonight?

Not that I know of.

It doesn't matter.

We don't need a third party.

We are gonna do this.

We just need a little...

Here.

I got this edible massage oil.

You can use it as a lube.

All right.

What the...

Oh, my god!

What the f*** is that?

Holy sh*t!

Oh!

This is the hot lip gloss.

No wonder my lips weren't plumping.

Oh. Oh. Ahh.

That does burn.

No. Oh. That was bad.

That was so bad.

Joanna,

do you know a guy named JJ?

I think that guy's name

starts with a "J."

Hey, does your name start with a "J"?

Yes, it does.

So you're JJ?

Hello. Welcome to 1... 800... Confess.

Would you like a priest

or a nun today?

A nun.

Please punch in your

credit card number.

Please hold.

Oh, thank goodness.

1... 900... Confession.

How may I be of service?

It's been one day

since my last confession.

I accuse myself

of the following sins...

One day.

Uh, is that too long?

I would have come this morning,

but it's my 18th birthday.

Go on.

Uh, okay.

Well, I've been touching myself.

Inappropriately.

Well, actually,

I didn't. A washing machine did.

What's her problem?

A washing machine touched her.

Uh, well, you know, I sat on

a washing machine, and, well...

All right, freak. Time's up.

What? But what do I do?

Just unplug the thing.

No, but...

but I think I might have had an...

Orgasm.

Well, then be happy

you found the perfect man.

I'm serious.

Look, honey, you seem

like a nice young lady so...

I'll tell you this.

Masturbation isn't a sin.

No contritions?

You broke no covenant with god.

It's not in the bible.

So the washing machine

could touch me anytime?

Like morning, afternoon, night?

Yes, and other things can touch you.

Accidental masturbation is not a sin.

Neither is intentional masturbation.

- God's pretty cool that way.

- He sure is. Now run along.

Wow. How do you know all that?

Because I'm a nun.

Now eat my p*ssy, b*tch!

Accidental masturbation.

Who'd have thunk?

Revenge sex.

What a stupid f***ing idea.

God, I'm getting out of here.

Yeah, I admit it. I got no game.

I guess I just get a little nervous

around beautiful women like you.

F***ing douche... bag.

Damn it.

Now I have to get laid

if it's the last thing I do.

You go, girl.

What?

What are you doing here?

We needed someplace private.

But, hey, listen.

If you're serious about getting laid...

- Yeah.

- If you want someone great...

I mean really the best ever...

No offense.

- Frank, the blind guy.

- Really?

I'm telling you. He's amazing.

I had food sex with him

a few weeks ago.

It was like nothing

I've ever experienced before.

It was like we used all

our senses, everything.

If you're interested, I'll set it up.

All right.

What about him,

Jeremy?

I know Jeremy.

I think I fooled around with him once.

I don't know his last name, though.

It's Jones, Jeremy Jones.

This all makes sense.

Excuse me.

Jeremy.

- Hi.

- Hey.

Who was on the phone?

Oh, that's my new girlfriend.

You'll meet her.

- She'll be here in, like, an hour.

- Wait. You have a girlfriend?

Oh. Hi, Frank.

Sit.

Oh, you meant...

You meant the dog.

Relax.

Need to relax and calm down.

Oh, I'm... I'm relaxed.

I'm fine.

Then why are you biting your nail?

I'm not.

How did you know that?

Corner.

Sit.

Roll over.

Oh, you mean me.

Oh, how do you...

how do you want me to...

Just lay down.

- Oh. Oh.

- I shouldn't even be doing this, but...

considering it a teachable moment.

Okay.

Oh.

See me with your hands.

All right. Uh...

You know, I should really

I have... boyfriend and my...

Really.

Mmm, peanut butter.

Frank. Frank. Oh.

Oh, Frank.

You know what, man?

Hey, give me a chip.

- My chips, homeboy.

- Dude, give me a chip, man.

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