Barney Thomson

---

I've got two styles...

short back and sides.

And back and sides.

I start at the crown.

And work outwards methodically.

I like

a calm working environment.

Every barber has his quirk...

well, except me.

I've not got any.

Don't see the point. Really.

Head down...

get on with it.

That's me.

I prefer it

when they don't speak.

I cannae be bothered

speaking to them either.

I like the quiet.

So what makes a legend.

Do you think?

Heroism?

Well. That rules me out.

Self-sacrifice?

Not your man.

Nobility of purpose?

Can't help you there. Either.

My life's always been boring.

I don't mind that.

There's a place

for being boring.

Cuttin' hair is boring.

Sittin' at home is boring.

That was all right.

I was a boring kind of guy.

If you'd asked me back then.

Pd have said I was content.

Smilin' in the comer.

The rain runnin' down my neck.

Then fate decided

to leap on my back.

And I turned round and saw

that I'd been nothing

all these years

but a howling ghost.

From nowhere. I was alive.

I'd never had to

deal with the law before.

Only had to look at a police

and! Shafted.

But circumstances changed...

and. Suddenly. I had my very own

one-to-one copper

breathing down my neck.

Everywhere I turned,

there he was...

this big slab of bastard

staring right back.

Yeah. I was alive. All right.

But for how long?

I'm Barney Thomson.

And this is the story

of what happens

when you move chairs.

I'm telling ye.

He's not

in the Lynch league yet.

77 wins, and I'm talkin'

the pre-nutrition years.

14 knockouts on a diet

of Irn Bru and dog food.

Comics by the door, Charlie.

Thanks, Barney.

Sweetheart.

What you talkin' about?

Don't believe that.

She's a f***in' liar.

I Wasn't at Karen's.

I had to go the hospital.

A shadow on my lung.

Nah, nah. It's fine.

They gave me tablets.

What are we doin' tonight?

Maybe you can come by again,

and I could gie ye

another "Maryhill Moothfae"...

Oh! That's f***in' disgusting.

All right, Darling.

See you in a bit. Bye.

Right, up you come.

Doesn't even make sense.

Barney...

can I have a wee chat'?

Aye.

All this chatter

must be bothering ye, eh'?

What'?

Well, the boxing chat.

Is it bothering ye'?

Och.

I think you might be, uh...

might be happier up here.

- What, there?

- Aye.

Let me get this straight.

I was in the windae

for eight years,

then I was in the second chair,

then the third.

Now you want me

oot by the bins'?

I mean, that...

that's not even

a f***in' barber's chair!

F***!

You have nae patter, Barney.

Nae sparkle.

You hang over the customers

like a shitty cloud.

Scaring 'em away,

standing there

like a big streak of piss.

It's like

you've had a charisma bypass.

You look like a haunted tree.

That's all I'm saying.

Well, your dad brought me

into this shop 20 years ago.

I'd like to hear

What he has to say about this.

Eh'?

Right.

Let's get my da on the phone.

I'm a f***in'...

haunted tree'?

Shitty cloud...

Big streak of piss...

He's standing there

like a haunted tree.

Nae patten.

All right, who's next'?

I'm gonna wait

for Chris, thanks.

Yourself?

What about you'?

I'm just waitin' for Wullie,

if that's all right.

That's, uh... that's fine.

Actually, no.

It isnae bloody all right. No.

Not one of you want to get

your hair out by me'?

Am I... Am I that bad'?

What you want to wait

for these two for'?

It's half-past three already.

You'll no all get seen!

Are you mental?

Come on, Barney.

That's out of order.

What is this'?

Some kind of conspiracy?

First, you bump me

intae the back of beyond,

- then you tell this bunch of...

- Wankers'?

To... to refuse my services?

Is that it'?

Ye cannae have a go

at the customers.

Ah! F*** this, Wullie.

F*** this!

What's the point

of me even f***ing being here'?

F*** it!

F***!

Never a dull moment, eh'?

The lab results came back, sir.

They' re negative.

Brilliant.

What are you

gonna tell the public?

The public can f*** off.

To date, there have been

five victims

from the Glasgow area

and you haven't been

able to make a connection

between any of them.

You don't

even know where the bodies are,

except the bits the killer

sent to the next of kin.

This case

should be given to someone

with more local knowledge.

What

exactly are you doing all day?

Late last night...

officers from this station

came into possession

of a valuable

piece of evidence...

the exact nature of which

I am not at liberty to divulge.

So What's this

new piece of evidence, sir'?

Nothing. I lied.

Which is why

I'm in the shape of a frog.

The Superintendent

wants to see you.

Of course he does.

What are you playing at, 127'?

If you walk into

a room backwards,

with your trousers

round your ankles,

don't be surprised

if you get bummed rotten.

And never, never drag the force

in with you.

I'll not have my team

mass-bummed.

On your say-so!

Is that clear'?

Don't interrupt me.

You've got the whole country

thinking we've just about

got this thing Wrapped up

when, as far as I can see,

in the two months...

two f***ing months

you've been on this case...

you've managed to narrow

your list of suspects down to.

"People in the Glasgow area

who've been to the seaside

in the last 12 weeks."

The killer will

think we're onto 'im,

and might make a mistake, sir.

He'd f***ing well better.

F***ing McManaman.

He's got to fill

his day up somehow.

I mean, his in-tray consists of

staring out the window.

Whilst having a gentle wank

over The Daily Star.

What's the big breakthrough?

F*** off! It's my case.

Is it an actual breakthrough,

or is it just

a we-made-it-up breakthrough?

What the f*** is that?

Inspiration!

Oh, I been meaning to ask ya,

"Touchy Little Boy' coming on'?"

Do you want to do this

right now'?

'Cause I'm f***ing

well up for it!

Get your tits out of my face.

Come on, number six.

Come on, number six!

Come on, get a move-on,

get a f***ing move-on!

Get a move-on!

Come on, come on!

You f***ing shite!

You wee f***ing shite!

You f***ing wee shite!

F***ing... f***ing dog.

- Christ.

- Here you go, Mum.

What kept you?

Celebrity booking?

Oh, cannae beat a fish supper.

Get off!

Busy today?

Aye.

Tips'?

Plenty.

Tell ye What...

hand 'em over to me

and I'll put them

on the next race.

Nah, you're all right.

Bathgate Leopard...

three to one.

No thanks.

Oh, come on!

No.

A fiver gets you 15 quid.

I've not got any money!

Nah.

Who'd ever tip you'?

Not me.

You not put any vinegar on it'?

You didn't put any on.

Crap.

They talk crap all day.

Boxing.

That's their sole currency.

You know, I was in that windae

for eight years.

That meant something.

I'm 50, Charlie.

What the f*** happened there?

I mean, it's every man's right

to reach

his full potential. Right?

But it passed me by.

Aye.

What am I gonna do'?

Nothing.

I've got a mother

that's digging her claws in

like an auld buzzard,

I live in a shitey, wee flat.

And the last time with a bird,

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