Barricade

Tom's always is the tail light,

isn't he?

- I've gotta save my energy for ladies

at the club tonight. - Yeah, sure buddy.

- Who told you we're going

to the club tonight? - His dick!

All right... Three things

that make life worth living?

Cool movies!

Good beer!

Good sex!

Men have such primitive urges.

- And that's a damn good thing!

- Homo!

Hey, so why is Mandy

the only woman coming out here?

You can't tell?

Gang Bang?!

- Okay, I've gotta mark my territory.

- Me too.

Fishing for compliments?!

Hah!

- Ya know, I'm not gay.

- Sure you aren't, fag.

- Seriously. I've had sex before.

- I know, buddy.

- Sure, but men can also f*** men!

- Men can f*** everything with legs!

- And you'd do that?

- Not with you!

- The forest found new victims!

- Leave them die, hah!

You know, Nina, before

you get in the car,

I have to tell you

something.

You know, since the very

first day I ever saw you...

I've been crazy about you.

I'm still crazy about you.

To this day,

I'm still crazy about you.

And I can't even

f***ing think straight.

Oh uh... You just wanna be

friends, huh?

Just friends huh? Alright...

Just friends. Yeah.

That's okay.

Just friends...

damn it.

You just gotta figure out

all the possibilities, man.

I mean, you're figure

something out.

Whatever.

So, when does her flight get in?

I dunno. A half hour or

so? Yeah, a half hour.

I gotta pick her up

at the airport.

Poor baby! Having to pick up the

hottest girl I've ever laid eyes on!

What an agony!

I mean, that's a Grade-A piece of ass

right there, man. You ever hit that?

C'mon, you know

we're just friends.

But nothing? Ever?

Don't tell her I told you this,

but about six years ago, um...

We had a little

too much vodka...

...and we went to her parents' lodge

and we made out... but that was it.

And you didn't f*** her?

You tool.

Look, she lives in New

York. I live in Germany now.

I mean, it just doesn't make

sense to start a relationship.

So? Who needs a relationship?

Just... bang her.

- Don't talk sh*t.

- I just tell it like it is, bro.

Yeah? Well don't.

Come off it, man.

I mean,

she's coming all the way

down from New York to see you.

She's gotta have some kind of

feeling for you.

Ya know, you've just

gotta think positive.

A beautiful actress

from New York...

...a lonely guy from Germany.

It just screams for a happy ending.

I dunno. It sounds like

'Mission:
Impossible'.

Well, if it sounds impossible,

you'll just have to find yourself

a new girl to obbsess over.

Oh yeah? Well,

I'll do that... buddy.

I got it.

So, where are you? I thought

you were gonna pick me up at the airport.

Mikey's Dungeon of Love.

Ten bucks and

we love you long time.

Shut up freak.

Get Michael.

Oh baby, you're so naughty.

Don't stop.

Give me the f***ing phone.

Mikey!

It's your mom!

- Hello? - Why do you keep hanging out

with that jerk... They lost my luggage.

C'mon, he's okay...

a bit freaky, but okay.

And keep him in mind the next time

you have a barbeque...

...you wanna have him

come over,

because he'll get rid of the flies and

the ants and all the stuff like that.

Yeah, I had a layover in Amsterdam,

but it was fast.

God, I'm sorry, Nina. David

was talking my ear off.

I'm sorry.

I lost track of time.

Seriously, it's fine. I mean,

I'm here and I'm in one piece,

so that's all that matters, right?

So, do you wanna take a nap

when you get inside?

No, I think I'll just catch a shower,

quick shot of vodka, and I'll be good to go.

Vodka?

You're still drinkin' that sh*t?

Hell yeah! Kept my granddaddy alive

until he was 98!

Oh, it's so good

to see you, Michael.

It's good to see you too.

You look... um, well.

"Well"?! Haha!

Jeez, ya ol' charmer!

Guys! Good to see you!

Come right in! Whoa.

Well, it's great to see you, too!

Yeah, I had a good day too! Come right in!

- So, David, where's Linda these days?

- Gone with the wind, baby.

- Really? Why?

- She caught David in that...

...eighteen-years-old

girl named Yvette.

God, you're disgusting.

- That's not what she said!

- Why are you proud of that? That's awful!

Well, I caught her doing

the same goddamn thing...

...to me three weeks earlier.

Well, my mom used to say, "Do unto others

as you would have them do unto you. "

More like

"Screw unto others"!

So anyways, Nina.

Are you up for uh,

some German countryside tomorrow?

All little roadside gravel?

Yeah, sure.

Sounds nice!

- All right, well, you've got to get up

eary enough. - That's fine.

- In the morning?! - Yeah.

- Good luck with that, buddy!

- Aw, come on, you little sh*t! - Ah,

we're too old to go on a camping trip...

...and you're not dragging my

sorry ass out of bed before noon.

We'll see about that.

So Nina, you're like an

actress or something now?

Yeah, something like that.

Okay, for the sake of

necessary conversation,

what was the favorite role

you ever did?

- That I ever played?

- Sure. Why not?

I dunno, umm... I played this mom once,

with these three little kids.

It was a real serious role.

The kids die in a car wreck,

I wind up going insane, become an

alcoholic and blow my brains out.

- Wow, sounds like a real laugh riot!

- Yeah, it was rough.

Was it even fun doing

anything that dark?

Yeah, well the director was an a**hole,

but I guess it could have been.

Why?

You like the dark stuff?

- David, what about you? - Me?

- I haven't heard you in like over a year.

- What? No e-mail or anything

ya big dork? - Ahh...

Lot of ladies,

problems with my PC, pot...

- Aw, come on...

- You really wanna know?

Yeah, I'm not asking

for my health, man!

Okay, I work for a TV station

in Hannover doing the news.

Nothing special, not enough money

but the ladies seem to like it.

I am the cameraman

on weeknights...

...and it seems to impress the

babes to see my name in the credits.

News? But that's not your thing, though.

- Nah, I'm better than the news. - Seriously.

You're a really good photographer, David.

You'll make it

in the business one day.

Excuse me, but can we uh...

You're a f***ing perv, but

you're a talented f***ing perv.

- Why thank you, Nina!

- So welcome! Any time!

- Hey, look! That's where we're going to go!

- Ah no, that's too high!

Aww, come on, man. It is such

a beautiful day. No retreat.

- Wait a minute.

- Why? What's up?

- This is an animal sanctuary, right?

- And...?

Then there's no better place

to let the snake out.

Snake? Yeah, and let me guess...

it's big and bad, too?

Sure, this monster could

swallow you whole!

Eh, go take a leak, you jerk.

You piss me off.

Is this a threat?

Andre?

Hello? Andre.

Andre? Come on, I've got

some snake food for ya...

Whoa! Is he gonna... Whoa!

- What the hell are you doing?

- Come on in, guys!

- The water's great!

- Oh no no, no...

- Haha! You first! - No I'm not goin'

in there! You go! Ladies first!

I am not going in with

that perv, by myself.

- Well, I'm not g-...

No! - I dare you!

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