BASEketball Page #2

Three months later

We can win the game with this one.

Bring me home.

We win the game!

We got 5 runs that inning.

This game's pretty badass.

You're up.

Tyler, I hear your sister's going out

with Squeak.

Another psych-out.

- I'm not going out with his sister.

That's the defense. - We gotta say

f***ed-up sh*t to make 'em miss.

Oh, right.

Wait a minute! Why is me going out

with his sister f***ed up?

Pierce, I hear

your mom's going out with Squeak.

Two outs!

You're gonna own 1/12 of the rent,

the water bill, the power bill,

the cable bill...

- Check it out! - What's that?

A baseketball!

You made a ball? Out of what?

Lazy Boy

I can't believe you were fired for

not shutting off our gas for 6 weeks!

Losing the truck pissed 'em off the most.

You can camp out here for a while.

- This is pretty sweet!

Does it fold out? - Yeah, a great bed!

But that's Jenkins' bed.

Your bed's over there.

Dude, that is so f***ing weak. How am I

supposed to get a chick in that?

You couldn't get a chick if you had

$100 hanging outta your zipper.

Yeah, I could!

- No, you're a little b*tch.

I am not!

Why am I hanging out with you guys?

'Cause you're a piece of sh*t.

- I am not.

But you're a little b*tch.

Goddam it! You rip on me 13 or

14 more times and I'm outta here.

Whatever! I gotta show you

the scoreboard I made!

Your place is a sh*t-hole anyway.

At least I'm on the team.

Yeah, they want me...

Six months later

An new driveway game has captured

the imagination of a neighborhood.

An entire league has sprung up.

- Starting with 12 teams in June.

Now down to just two,

including the inventors of the game.

It's off the rim.

Could be a double play, Maxwell tips...

Newman's try...

No!

Shirts have a shot at the conversion.

Remer...

Keeps it alive.

Last chance! Coop...

They make the conversion!

The home run counts!

What a game! The Shirts win

the World Championship

of Baseketball.

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen, I'm Ted Denslow.

The billionaire?

- Yes.

Anyway, I like your little game.

How'd you like to go pro?

Baseketball? - I got 3 words for you:

National Baseketball League.

We're not interested.

- Wait a minute! Hear me out.

You kids with your loud music

and your Dan Fogelberg,

your Zima, hula hoops

and Pac-Man video games.

Don't you see?

People's attention spans today can

only be measured in nanoseconds.

I hear you.

- Just look at these people!

They feel a certain connection with you

as players.

With baseketball

we can start fresh,

not allow teams

to change cities,

or players to be traded.

And everybody will get paid the same,

like when I was a kid

and players were treated like...

Indentured servants?

- Yes!

The real beauty of this game is

anyone can play.

Any normal Joe can be a sports hero.

Never wanted to be a sports hero?

Sure, once.

But that was long time ago.

If I know anything about this country,

it will go nuts for baseketball.

America will go crazy.

Listen to that crowd!

Five years later

9th inning. The Beers still behind by

3 runs and down to their last out.

The pressure on these players

has to be enormous.

Alright, guys, we've got one out left.

We can still win this thing.

Can we do it? - Yes!

What a game these fans are seeing!

That gentleman is Ted Denslow,

the father of professional baseketball,

along with his lovely new wife

Yvette.

Now shooting, number 44,

Coop "Airman" Cooper!

Coop is heading for the triple square.

Bob Costas, this has to be one

of the most exciting baseketball games.

Hard to believe that just 5 years ago

this game was played only on driveways.

Hard to believe that just 5 years ago

those girls were

only in grade school.

Coop at the triple line, and Jansen

sets up for the psych-out.

- Hey coop!

- Be right with you, darling.

It's good!

- Coop triples again.

He's hit for the cycle

already 7 times tonight.

Listen to those foam heads

doing the Beers' chug!

Coop's on third, with two down.

That brings up Squeak Scolari.

I knew it was gonna come down to me.

- It's not just you. We're a team.

It all comes down to just one man.

Oh, God! - If I could have

one guy out there, it'd be you.

Unfortunately,

that one man is Squeak Scolari.

Sh*t!

- Pretend this is just another game.

The Denslow Cup is

the biggest game of the season

Christ! - Will you turn that sh*t off?

- I'm scared! - Listen to me.

You make that shot, or I'm gonna shove

your head so far up your f***ing ass...

...you have to wear

yourself as a hat!

Doug Remer giving his teammate

some last minute encouragement.

Go out there and make that shot!

The talented Felon girls

appearing in their 3rd Denslow Cup game.

Now shooting, number 23,

Squeak "Little B*tch" Scolari!

Squeak Scolari walks out

to take the last remaining single.

Come on, b*tch!

Hey, Squeak! Miss it!

It's good!

The Beers stay alive in the 9th.

Dallas Felons' owner, Baxter Cain

hoping for another Denslow Cup victory.

Now shooting, number 17,

Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!

Remer heads for the double line.

Remer, you better make sure

your toe's not over the line.

Hey, Jansen, nice psych-out,

dingleberry. Yes!

It's now a 2-run game.

Dirk Jansen apparently missed

another psych-out.

Everyone at Beers Garden

is on their feet!

At a time like this

you can't help thinking about guys

like John Elway,

guys who kept coming close

and then finally got there.

If Coop can make this one,

the Beers' long wait will be over.

Hey, Coop, looks like

your boy Denslow's gonna buy the farm.

He missed.

The Felons win their

2nd consecutive Denslow Cup

on the strength

of a Dirk Jansen psych-out.

I got you, dude. I got you!

Relax. Do the Happy Dance!

We just lost the game!

- Do the Happy Dance!

Where's the singing?

- I don't wanna sing! - Come on, sing!

I'm doing my happy dance.

Doin' my happy dance!

Sh*t, Denslow! - These Beers fans

have to be disappointed.

What an unfortunate thing

to happen on "Dozen Egg Night".

It's my husband!

Somebody help him! Oh, God!

If there's anything you need.

- Oh, Teddy! He just fell over!

I wish there was something I could do.

They stopped serving them after the 7th.

Get this man a hot dog!

You're absolutely right, Jim.

Ted Denslow was a hero,

because his vision brought baseketball

from local driveways into big arenas,

but more importantly,

into the hearts and TVs of America.

His untimely death casts a pall

over an otherwise sweet victory!

And all of our hearts...

Dirk Jansen, winner of

the "Winter's Warm Douche" M.V.P. Trophy.

What's your take?

The key to the game

was when I psyched out Coop.

He didn't psyche me out! If anyone got

the psych-out, it should be Denslow.

Dude, weak.

I know this is a dark time for you, but I'd like

your thoughts on what happened tonight.

I lost the big game

and a dear friend.

I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now.

I don't think I should be alone...

It does seem to be raining sh*t

on Joe Cooper right now.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote