BASEketball Page #3

On paper,

the Beers had the far superior team.

But the outside shooting of Coop

and the deadly accuracy of Doug Remer.

What happened out there?

- Well, you know...

It was a team effort. It took every player

working together to lose this one.

Thanks, Doug. And so...

- You wanna do an interview with me?

No! So another baseketball championship

is in the books.

Yet another opportunity lost

for the Beers.

I gotta go.

What's going on? Coop?

- This was Tim McCarver

from Beers Garden, where the Felons

have defeated the Milwaukee Beers.

Everybody in.

One at a time.

There he is!

Coop! - Oh, man!

- Can we talk to him?

Excuse me.

Would you mind

signing autographs for the kids?

The Dallas locker room's over there.

- I know, but it was so crowded.

They'd really rather have

your autograph.

Really?

- Would you mind signing these?

Sure.

It's nice to meet you, Miss...?

- Reed. Jenna Reed.

Joe Cooper, Coop.

- I know.

Are all these kids with you?

I've been the director of the "Dream

Come True Foundation" since October.

The one that grants wishes

to sick and dying kids, right?

We prefer to think of them as

health- and survival-impaired.

You're a big fan of baseketball?

- No.

I mean, the kids are! I try to keep

them interested in permanent things.

Permanent?

Professional athletes come and go.

- Not in baseketball. There's rules against it.

Hello!

Miss Reed, this is Remer.

- Like a fresh pretzel?

I baked it myself.

Oh, thank you.

- Goes great with mustard.

Miss Reed?

You didn't make that, did you?

- No!

But chicks like guys who can cook.

- What?

See! She was checking out my ass.

- She wasn't!

I'd better get these kids back.

Little Travis is getting impatient.

I love kids. Which one is Travis?

Heads up, big guy.

Needs a little work on the hands.

He's blind, Doug.

Felons' fans

rejoiced in their Denslow Cup victory

in downtown Dallas.

Final tally:
14 injured, 3 dead.

The sports world was devastated

by the passing of Ted Denslow.

The late Beers owner seemed to be

the only one surprised by his death.

Time just finally ran out

for the old cocksucker.

Theodore Denslow dead at 85.

His hairpiece was 24.

These chaps

I wore in "Rootin' Tootin' Rhythm"

I bequeath to my nephew Herman.

Hope he looks

as snappy in them as I did.

And this poncho

that kept me dry...

Mrs. Denslow? Baxter Cain. May I?

- Of course.

My deepest sympathy!

- Thank you, Mr. Cain.

This hand-painted plate commemorating

the Pope's visit to Dodger Stadium

I leave to my niece Susan.

Limited edition, signed

with a photocopied certificate

of authenticity... - Jenna!

What are you doing here?

- I'm not sure.

I got this letter...

- Me, too.

And the toothbrush...

Where's the body?

- They buried him 2 days ago.

This is the will reading.

- Well, in that case...

These are for you, Jenna.

I bequeath these season tickets

to the "Dream Come True Foundation".

I had nothing but respect

for your late husband.

Unfortunately, he stood in the way

of making changes in baseketball

that might increase the owners' profits.

I can't imagine

what he had against making money?

I trust that quality

isn't sexually transmitted.

Pretty sweet, huh?

Yeah, the kids will be excited.

Especially little Joey.

Joey?

- He's such a big fan of yours.

He's going into the hospital next week,

and begged me to ask you to visit him,

but it's not a good idea.

I'd love to come by.

- I'll come by. I like hospitals.

You like Taco Bell.

I went to this hospital in France

and got together with this chick.

Dude, that was a hostel!

Finally, my beloved Beers,

I bequeath

controlling interest

to Joseph R. Cooper.

We own the team!

I gave him

the best 3 months of my life.

Way to go, dude!

And, Coop?

Yes, Mr. Denslow?

I know you have it in you to lead the Beers

to victory this season.

Because if you don't

the team reverts to Yvette.

Don't feel badly about losing the team.

I believe this is merely temporary.

Thank you, Mr. Cain.

It's nice to have a strong, handsome man

like you on my side.

Well, I'd love to discuss this

further with you.

Why don't you visit sometime?

Maybe we could

lay some carpet,

if you know what I mean.

At this time, I'd like to ask

everyone to leave the room,

so I can have

a private moment with Coop.

Now that we're alone, Coop,

there's something I wanna tell you.

Remember

when you had the crabs

and this lotion made you feel better?

I've found another use for it.

It's so good, it makes me wanna sing.

Just like the night

we spent in the tattoo parlor in Chicago.

Come on, baby!

# I'm too sexy for my shirt,

too sexy for my shirt #

# So sexy it hurts #

# And I'm too sexy for my car,

too sexy for my car #

# Too sexy by far #

You getting this?

That's two rooms done.

Those corners are tricky! - A fine job!

I've come up with a plan to make sure

Coop never wins the Denslow Cup.

So the team will be mine?

- Yes. - Wonderful, Baxter.

Do you want me to move on

to the conference room? - Not yet.

But I think my lobby

could use a good buffing.

If you know what I mean.

- I know exactly what you mean.

I can't do this sh*t!

The Beers coming up to bat

in this season opener against Miami,

a game

they have dedicated to Ted Denslow,

the team wearing black in memory

of the late Beers owner.

The Beers cheerleaders

also mourning the loss.

Dude, it's a whole different ball game

now that you own the team.

Denslow was right.

This season could be different.

We just gotta kick some ass

and play to keep this team. You ready?

I'm in, all or nothing.

Joining us this evening, big fan

of baseketball, Tony Nocciolino,

who plays Latino cutup Scooter

on the comedy series "What's the Difference?",

airing between "Recycled Junk",

starring Lisa Campbell,

and "Same Old Crap",

featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson.

All part of the great fall line-up

on "Who Gives a Rat's Ass" Thursdays.

Great to have you with us.

- So Miami takes the field.

We're underway.

Coop steps into

the single square.

It's good! - The Beers are off

to a promising start tonight!

This game is made all the more special

by the fact

it's "Free Range Chicken Night".

The Beers up by two,

but the Dealers are only one out.

That brings up Enrique Hernandez.

Hernandez, look!

Fat from Marlon Brando's ass.

Uh, no! What am I doing here?

It's all salty and warm.

Why would I do this?

This guy ate a lot of pork!

Damn it!

It was a killer psych-out. - Really?

- Shake it off. I got this guy.

Got milk?

Coop tips, and it's good!

Double play. Beers win.

Remer still nailing down that psych-out.

We totally kicked ass.

- And this is just the start.

Could you sign my chicken?

- Joe Cooper? Baxter Cain.

Denslow told me about you.

- Welcome to our community of owners.

If there's anything you need,

don't hesitate to ask. - Thanks, dude.

We're going to be voting next week

on some changes in baseketball's rules.

I want to tell everyone you're with us.

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