BASEketball Page #7

I'm sick of playing

second fiddle to you.

I'm getting myself

a new best friend.

Wake up, b*tch. You're my best friend.

- Really? What?

Are we going to the zoo?

Fine! I don't need you. I'll get myself

a new best friend, too.

Go ahead. Go back to your fancy cars,

big bank accounts

your celebrity friends,

and your beautiful women

and Victoria Silvstedt,

Playmate of the Year.

F***!

Your life

is spinning out of control.

Seems the whole world

is out to get you.

Everything is wrong.

Nothing seems right.

There's a sinking feeling inside.

Even your best friend

has turned his back.

But you can't let it

bring you down.

You gotta fight.

'Cause you try,

but you can't let go.

It's when you're down

that you gotta get up.

Don't let 'em walk all over your face!

Stand up for yourself

and make everything right again!

Even if some guy's trying

to blackmail you.

And your girlfriend thinks

you suck.

It's up to you to let them know

it was some rich guy's evil plan.

Look out ahead,

there's a truck changing lanes.

You've got crumbs on your upper lip.

Warts on your dick aren't going away,

less you start using cream every day.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Calcutta international...

airport. It is currently

95 degrees with a light drizzle.

We hope you enjoy your stay

in lovely Calcutta.

Driver, I'm in a hurry!

Just take me to 7-1-1...

Beerswear Factory.

Hey, you!

- I am sorry. No entrance.

Who the hell are you?

- I factory manager. Who you?

I Joe Cooper. I mean, I'm Joe Cooper.

- Wait Mr Cooper, you must put on a hard hat!

This isn't good.

Do the authorities know?

A young man. His whole life

in front of him disappears.

A familiar story,

but this is no ordinary Joe.

Joseph R. Cooper, the most loved

sports figure in the country...

vanished.

Elsie Melcher, a neighbor

who asked not to be identified, says

Joe Cooper left his house

2 weeks ago.

According to Angelique Bones,

a nosy b*tch who lives up the street,

he took only a toothbrush,

a wallet, a steamer trunk

and a plane ticket

to Calcutta.

Police have several possible scenarios

of what happened

to the man affectionately known

to the world as "Coop".

I don't know where he is. He could be

hanging in his closet. - Scenario 1:

He's hanging in his closet.

The night before his disappearance,

Coop's girlfriend paid him a visit.

According to friends,

they quarreled.

If you're looking for Joe Cooper, wherever

you'll find the most heinous

and vile exploitation of children.

Scenario 2:

Coop went to Disney World.

Here's a photograph taken just days

before his disappearance.

Here's a computer-enhanced simulation

of what he might look like today.

From Milwaukee, Wisconsin,

it's the Denslow Cup,

where the defending champion,

the Dallas Felons,

meet their perennial challengers,

the Milwaukee Beers.

Hello, I'm Al Michaels

along with Bob Costas inviting you

to join us here at Beers Garden

for Denslow Cup V.

We're in for a classic battle tonight.

You're right. We have over 100 million

people tuned in to see this game.

Many of them, of course,

with no understanding of the sport,

but fascinated by the flickering images

and the pretty colors.

High up in the stands,

pyrotechnic expert Sergio "Lucky" Ferouch

is readying another spectacular

halftime fireworks display.

Alright, guys.

You ready to kick some ass?

What's wrong? Why the long faces?

- Can't win without Coop.

We don't need Coop.

I'll lead you to victory.

We're supposed to be a team.

Without Coop it's not the same.

Even if Coop was to walk in here now,

it wouldn't change things one iota.

We can win this thing!

Are you with me?

That's the spirit! Are you with me?

Coop's here!

We're underway here

for the Denslow Cup V.

A stunned crowd of over 18,000

witnessing the Beers...

Come on, Beers! Go, Coop!

Hey, guys. Thought I told you

we weren't going to watch this game.

Miss Reed, it's the Denslow Cup!

These aren't the kind of people

to be emulated.

The severed head

was postmarked Denver.

The owner still

has not stepped forward.

Update:
The disappearance of

the Milwaukee Beers baseketball star.

When Joe Cooper discovered that

Beerswear Factory workers were kids,

not old enough for prostitution,

he personally flew there.

His new, all-adult workforce

now makes a decent wage,

enjoys full medical benefits

and in-house child care. We are glad

that such a terrific human being

like Joe Cooper has returned.

If I were a woman,

I'd like to be his girlfriend,

walking in the park,

hand in hand,

wrapping my legs around him,

cuddling in the spoon position

and staring into his eyes

over our morning coffee.

Yes, thank you.

In a minute, another unsolved mystery.

- Come on, kids!

We're going to the game!

Ladies and gentlemen!

For the 7th-inning entertainment,

the National Baseketball League

is proud to present

a salute to our South Sea neighbors:

Viva Calypso!

We're up 16 to nothing. Have the trucks

pull up to the locker room.

We'll sort out the stuff

when we get to Jacksonville.

Hey, Baxter?

I finally got all the chrome off this for you.

Nice.

- You want me to start on this one?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please direct your attention to the

Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust,

symbol of brotherhood in many

Polynesian countries. In the role

of the downtrodden but happy natives:

Your Milwaukee Beers!

Thanks for flying back, Coop.

You really made a difference!

If not for your mess,

I wouldn't be jetlagged

and shitting curry.

- Guys, knock it off!

Representing their white

colonial oppressors:

The Dallas Felons.

Now let's all join

our Caribbean brothers

in the ceremonial handshake

above the Lagoon of Peace.

- Let go!

Stop it!

Guys!

Stop it!

- Money-grubber! - Powermonger!

Die!

- Eat sh*t!

Would you just stop it?

Look at you guys, fighting

on the Malaka-Laka board!

You should be ashamed

of yourselves!

Back in the driveway

we were nothing.

Now we've risen to the highest level,

but you're throwing it all away.

If you've forgotten

what baseketball means to America,

you have only to look at this board,

the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust.

Don't you see

what we have here?

A game

where guys with bad backs

and bad knees

can get together and compete

as guys who are goosed up on steroids.

But more than anything,

isn't this game about being with

your friends and having a good time?

I remember...

A long time ago,

I didn't have anybody.

You guys took me in.

That's why it kills me

to see you like this.

If we can't be friends, then the heart

and soul are out of this game.

Certainly out of me.

I know I'll never get that back again.

We have sullied the waters

of the Lagoon of Peace.

I'm begging you,

for the love of our Caribbean brothers,

stop this madness!

Hang on! - Oh, my God! - Remember

to hold your breath just before we hit.

It is the most spectacular extravaganza

I have ever seen.

You can cram 3 seats into the space

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