Bastard

---

(RAIN FALLING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(MAN)

Are you okay?

Miss!

(ENGINE STOPS)

Miss.

Where are you going?

Wherever you can take us.

The usual.

It'd be a pleasure, Miss...

Miss Hannah.

Good to meet you, Miss Hannah.

You should get in the car.

Yeah?

If you want a ride.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, we really appreciate this.

So, do you have a name?

Uh, yeah. Max.

Well, Maxy...

(CHUCKLES)

You got a nice car.

You're sweet.

(MAN)

Hey, I think we're ready.

Do you mind if I check my ride?

I don't wanna forget my toothbrush.

Just hurry it up.

I don't wanna roast out here. It's burning.

Dibs.

- Bullshit.

- Come on. It's my turn.

I reeled him in. He's my fish to fry.

Semantics.

Big word.

Rock, paper, scissors.

What, are we seven?

You have to get used to it

if you want a kid around.

Right?

- I win.

- I guess you do.

Are you serious about that kid?

Hammer-time serious.

You can light the next one up, babe.

- Okay?

- Mm-hmm.

(SIGHS)

Sh*t. That's a hell

of a long time for a toothbrush.

- I needed my floss too.

- Yeah?

Well, some say that's more important.

(LIGHTER FLICKING)

You're gonna have to get in the back, man.

Sorry.

(CHUCKLES)

Step out of the car.

- Huh?

- Step out of the car, Maxy.

- What the f*** is this?

- Dude.

Don't panic. Happens to the best of us.

- And the worst.

- And the worst.

Get the f*** out of my car right now.

What the...

(SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

Hey, babe?

I was thinking about, like, drugs and that.

Like how people

will classify something a drug...

- (SAWING)

- and stamp it with this negativity.

(PANTING)

You know, like weed.

Like, all this negativity

for something so happy.

- (BONE SNAPS)

- (SAWING CONTINUES)

But then I got to thinking, like...

can't anything be a drug?

You know? Like water. Okay?

Water's a drug. Seriously.

You go cold turkey on water...

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

your throat swells up, you hallucinate...

get the shakes and, like, die.

That's a worse relapse

than I've seen a heroin junkie get.

Where's the warning label

on a bottle of water? Huh? Huh?

"May get addicted.

Side effects... drowning and dizziness."

What do you think?

Babe.

Hey.

How you doing?

- I'm...

- Awful.

Dainty. Empathetic.

I'm terrific.

Good.

'Cause you're my drug.

Mrs. Hannah West.

- (SAWING)

- (GRUNTING)

You can't do this, Jake.

I-I'm only doing what you can't.

Don't. I'll talk to him.

I'll make him stop.

(TV:
SPORTS ANNOUNCER, CROWD CHEERING)

(DOG BARKS)

(BARKING)

- Look at you.

- (SCOFFS) Look at you.

- You look afraid.

- What would I have to be afraid of?

- There comes a time in every man's life...

- Holy sh*t. You know what?

I'm gonna pass on the Tumblr life advice.

This guy? He's a real keeper.

- (WOMAN) Please.

- (MAN) What do you want me to do?

Do something!

Stop him!

No!

(WHIMPERS)

If you were smart, you'd leave too.

Hey, you ready?

Yeah?

What?

- I-I need my paintbrush.

- Paintbrush.

- I'll buy you new ones, okay?

- Okay.

(SPEAKERS:
DRUM INTRO)

(LOUNGE POP INSTRUMENTAL)

(CONTINUES)

(CONTINUES)

(CLICKS OFF)

- (GASPS)

- Michael!

You look like an absolute mess.

- What's going on in here?

- I-I... I slept too late.

(CHUCKLES)

Just in time for Passions, huh?

- You okay?

- Yeah.

Okay, then. Did you remember to...

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Um...

- What?

- (STAMMERING) Nothing.

What's going on in here?

Is there somebody else here?

Whoa! No. Why would you

automatically think that?

- You're hiding something.

- No.

Just... Just calm down.

I don't get why you're acting so weird.

I'm sorry.

I... I just had a rough day at work today.

We had to let Eric go.

Eric? Come here.

- What the hell is...

- G-Give me that!

Is this a suicide note?

(STAMMERS)

I can explain.

Don't you think you're overreacting?

No. I-I'm reacting just fine, I-I think.

You think? You just thinkin'

you're gonna kill yourself?

And I don't snore.

(SPEAKERS:

COUNTRY ROCK, FAINT)

(MAN)

After a hard day of work

I hit the bar

on my way back home

Oh

I saw a young

and pretty poodle

Sittin' at a table all alone

Oh

I went up

"Can I buy you a drink?"

- I don't like the way that guy's

looking at me. - Who?

The clerk.

- You don't like how anyone looks at you.

- Yeah, so stop it.

- Repeat after me.

- Repeat after me.

(SNICKERS)

I will never look at Hannah again.

- I will never look at my wife ever again.

- Exact words, a**hole!

Or it doesn't count.

I've failed you.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-mmm.

No? Mmm.

There's a motel down the road.

It's an okay place.

That's where the whores usually go.

Not my gas station.

(LAUGHING)

Wow. Aren't you just

the funniest piece of sh*t.

Twice the size, half the respect.

We expect an apology.

The only thing you should be expecting is

to get blown into bits of f***in' beef.

(GRUNTS)

- (GROANING)

- There's a lady present.

- (SHOTGUN C*CKS)

- (GROANING CONTINUES)

(CLERK)

I know that car!

(GROANS)

I know that's not your car...

and I know the man

that would never part with it.

- (BLOW LANDS) - Well,

you don't have to be such a prick about it.

Please, no!

Twenty on two.

(CONTINUES)

You should've killed him.

Yeah, I know.

- But it's your turn.

- (CHUCKLES)

- (MATCH STRIKES)

- (FLAMES ERUPTING)

That's the hardest one you've got, Betty?

Come on. Challenge me.

I don't know.

You were doing fine earlier.

Just ask another one. Make it harder.

- I hate when you do that.

- When I do what?

You ask me to tell a joke,

or tell a story, or ask a question.

- I hate the pressure.

- (LAUGHS)

Okay, no jokes, stories and questions.

That's not the point.

- Give me a second.

- Fine.

Anytime now.

Okay. Who was the only person Van Gogh

ever sold a painting to?

Really?

- You know I hate him.

- You asked.

He can Van Gogh f*** himself.

(LAUGHS)

Uh, can I get the painting name?

Red Vineyard at Arles.

Okay.

Um, can you use it in a sentence?

Uh, was it, uh, Luke?

- No.

- Right. Just f*** patrons.

Um...

I don't know. I give up.

- His brother.

- (CHUCKLES)

F*** that.

Dude had less logic than he did ears.

(SPEAKERS:
ROCK)

Jon.

I like Hazel.

I like Terry.

F*** Terry.

- Seriously. Terry's a good name.

- So is Luke.

No, Luke sounds way too much like "puke."

Babies vomit.

(CHUCKLES)

They also piss.

And if it's a girl,

she'll be bleeding soon enough.

I'm just happy to be alone with you.

Then why are you slowing down?

West, why are you slowing down?

I'm not gonna be rude. They look nice.

They can't be going too far.

- Do you know what irony is?

- I'm not inviting them to search the trunk.

All right?

Hey.

Hi, guys. Thank you for stopping.

No problem. Where y'all headed?

Uh, next town? Anywhere with f***in'

shade in a box, honestly.

Uh, we don't got a ton of room.

Well, we got, like, no stuff.

Just me, Betty, two packs.

- Yeah, man, hop right in. Come on.

It's a hot day. - Thank you.

(JAKE SIGHS)

So, what's your two's deal?

Newlyweds, man.

Whoa. Congrats, man. That's really big.

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