Bastard Page #2

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No, man, amazing is what it is.

Yeah, we formed a band

a few years back, you know.

I was smitten.

She thought I was a lazy a**hole.

- (BOTH LAUGH)

- You know?

But, uh, not much has changed...

except for the whole love thing.

Yeah.

More power to you, man.

All the joy.

How about a game of rock, paper, scissors?

So, what about you guys? What's your deal?

- Your partner's quite the talker.

- Oh, yeah. Betty.

She's pretty quiet,

but she's the smartest girl I know.

That's what I say, man.

Marry the most interesting chick you know.

- She ain't bad on the eyes either.

- Yeah.

So happy for you.

Guys, don't mind Hannah.

She's just a little salty I picked you up.

I mean, honestly, if we're imposing...

Dude, quit it. Seriously.

We're pulling into town now. Can't be

any worse off than that guy either.

- (JAKE LAUGHS) Oh, f***!

- Dude.

(HANNAH)

Some broad probably ruined his day too.

Michael.

- Michael.

- (MURMURS)

Wake the f*** up.

Michael. Get off the lawn, please.

I wanna come inside.

I know.

I heard you yelling last night.

And you ignored me?

You're damn straight I did.

I can't be taking all this

up and down sh*t, Michael.

Do you even know what this is doing to me?

Well, call the cops. I don't care.

Very funny.

Here.

What's this for?

You sh*t in the backyard

last night, Michael.

A-And you called it...

"liberating Liberace."

- You love my humor.

- Not when it smells like spoiled Brie.

Listen.

(SIGHS)

I love you, Michael.

I love you too.

- Which is why...

- Uh, look, I-I'll... pull myself together.

Which is why I...

I don't think this is gonna work out.

You're obviously...

You're obviously

going through something.

Then let's sit down

and talk each other through it.

Help each other out, like good couples do.

I want to, but...

I don't think you're ready for

a relationship right now.

And...

you drink a lot.

I mean, a lot, Michael.

You f***ing sh*t in the backyard!

Okay.

- Michael.

- I said okay.

(MUTTERS)

F***.

What do you mean, there's no gig?

I'm... W-We don't have live music here.

I mean, we got a jukebox. Right there.

This has to be some cruel joke.

The only reason that we are here...

instead of Hawaii

or some bullshit Alaskan cruise...

is the chance to play, right?

Right?

Yeah. Yeah, look.

I mean, I called Cortland.

They said we could

play our music here on the 17th.

- That's tomorrow.

- Yeah.

I... I mean, this is Cortland Bar.

But there's also, uh, Cortland Liquor,

which is the liquor shop...

and Cortland Thrift,

which is also... it's the thrift shop.

Uh, Cortland High, the high school...

The high school! The high school

is having their talent show.

Tomorrow night.

You booked us...

a f***ing high school

talent show?

Babe, I didn't...

A f***ing high school talent show...

for our honeymoon.

Are you f***ing retarded?

Hannah, I'm sorry.

Okay, look,

we don't have to go. All right?

We can still enjoy all of this. Right?

All of this.

Whatever this is.

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you

know a place we can stay for the night?

And you really shouldn't say "retard."

That's not cool.

Uh, we don't really have

hotels around here.

But there is a bed and breakfast

up the mountain a bit.

- (BUZZING) - (JUKEBOX)

Sober night

(UKULELE STRUMMING)

(CONTINUES)

Great. Uh, how do we get there?

Looks like we'll be riding with you

a little bit longer.

You guys are really gonna like this place.

It's really, really nice.

So, you're gonna head up this way

about two miles...

you take a left on Shitstain Road.

(LAUGHS)

And at the end is the B and B

just past the lake.

You guys have a road called Shitstain?

Yeah, it doesn't really have a name.

But it's all dirt and it looks like sh*t,

so... Yeah.

Wonderful.

Let's go get shitty.

- Thanks for your help.

- Take it easy.

(WOMAN)

Hey, champ.

(LAUGHS)

All right.

Yeah. Okay.

- Turn over.

- (CHUCKLING)

- Why?

- Do what I say, you f***in' slut.

(GROANS, LAUGHS)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

No f***ing way.

No, no, no. Hold on.

Don't you want this?

(GROANS)

All right, just...

Fine. Okay.

If I tap your ass, though,

I want it off. Okay?

It's not my ass gettin' tapped.

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

Shut up.

- (THUDS)

- (SCREAMING)

(ENGINE STOPS)

Wow.

It's huge.

This is perfect.

- Right, babe?

- Delightful.

Come on. A little nature won't kill us.

Yeah?

We're also not gonna play a show.

So enjoy your f***ing bed.

(BETTY)

And breakfast.

(JAKE) Doesn't it look kind of

like the Custom House?

- What's that?

- (BETTY) Monet.

Custom House, Morning Effect.

(WOMAN)

Hmm. A lot smaller than my house.

Also a lot more on a cliff.

But I do appreciate the comparison.

Hey, how many beds you need?

- Uh... two. Two should be good.

- Cool.

- Possibly a couch.

- No problem.

I have room for everybody.

(LAUGHS)

Ah. You must be Rachael.

Yeah. Sorry.

I'm horrible with introductions.

- I am Rachael of Rachael's Bed

and Breakfast. - My pleasure.

- Ah. You need help with your bags?

- (HANNAH) No, we're fine.

Okay. Well, uh,

you can check in anytime you want.

Take whatever room on the bottom floor.

I'll be around.

Oh, the room on the right is taken.

- Another guest?

- Yeah. Long-term.

He doesn't bother anybody.

But if you see a tallish man

lurking around, don't be scared.

- (LAUGHS) Scared.

- Mmm.

(WEST)

Hey. What was that?

Miss Little Art History 101

in her high boots. What do you think?

- I think you're being uncool.

- Yeah?

Well,

I didn't pick Fucksville for a honeymoon.

(BETTY COUGHING)

(VOMITING)

Mm-hmm.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

This ain't too bad.

Huh?

Sh*t.

I forgot my toothbrush.

Hey.

You okay?

What are we doing here?

I miss home.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, I do too.

But...

you know, there's...

there's bigger plans for us now.

Yeah?

I don't know if I can do this.

You can, Betty.

I meant me and you on the road.

Well...

what are you emphasizing?

Me and you?

Or are you emphasizing us... on the road?

(STAMMERING)

Either. Both.

I d... I don't know.

You sh...

Here, why don't you...

(SIGHS)

Why don't you lie down for a second? Okay?

Let me go see what this place has got

in terms of food.

Hopefully something more

than juice and waffles. Okay? (CHUCKLES)

May I help you?

No. I'm fine.

Hey, we might have gotten off

on the wrong foot earlier today.

But I'm just trying to make sure everybody

has a pleasurable stay.

I'll bet. Any means necessary.

Excuse me?

You look the type to run a brothel,

not a bed and breakfast.

What crawled up your c*nt, b*tch?

Hey, um...

I'm leading a tour of the woods

in the morning.

And if you wake up and decide to abort

your shitty attitude...

you're welcome to come.

(CREAKING, FAINT)

(CREAKING, LOUDER)

Hey.

- Sorry. I-I didn't...

- Come here.

What were you doing?

Nothing.

Why were you creeping? It's creepy.

You're really pretty.

You're pretty too.

Do you want to talk?

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