Bastard Page #3

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Or sit?

My mother never brushed my hair.

I thought that was something

moms were supposed to do.

Count to a hundred.

Sing a lullaby.

(CHUCKLES)

Put the lotion in the basket. Nice stuff.

I like it. Makes me feel like a cat.

You like animals then?

More than people.

I can understand that.

West is nice.

Yes.

Yes, he is.

Do you... Ow!

Sorry.

Sorry. I'm not used to this.

Aren't there things you want to do

before becoming a mom?

Who said I was becoming a mom?

Sorry.

Theoretically.

You mean, like...

go to Europe?

(LAUGHS)

That.

See museums. Meet new people.

I did a lot of that in school.

You're young. You have time.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Evening, Rachael.

Sorry to bother you so late.

Yeah. Is everything okay?

Y-Yeah...

Well, uh, we've got

a couple kids gone missing.

Anyone I know?

A college girl and a bartender.

(RACHAEL)

Throw in a priest, you got a good joke.

Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't see

that you had friends over.

(RACHAEL)

Patrons, yeah.

(MAN)

Okay, well, they can hear this too.

I'm gonna recommend that you don't go out

alone for a few nights.

We don't know where the kids went.

My money's that the two fools

just ran off together, but...

I'm not sheriff anymore, so...

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

You know, that's not the only reason

why I came up here.

- Are you still doing the Sunday hike?

- Yeah. Bright and early.

Well, good. I'll be there.

- Okay.

- Have a good night.

Good night.

Well, I'll see you all in the morning.

(TWIG SNAPS)

(RUSTLING)

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(SPEAKERS:
MAN ON TAPE)

Just cry. It's the natural way.

If you cry, you'll feel good.

If you feel good, you'll

accept who you are.

If you accept who you are,

maybe you won't have to cry anymore, p*ssy.

And so ends side "A" of Help Me Help You

Stop Hating Yourself.

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry, babe.

(KISSES)

(GUITAR)

Sorry if I offended some people

this afternoon.

Sorry I'm smoking on your porch.

It's cool.

(LAUGHS)

That works.

(LAUGHS)

So, uh, what do we do now?

What do you mean?

Like...

you know, all the small talk's over.

Chitchat.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(COUGHS)

What do we do?

We, like, enrich

each other's lives or something.

- Oh. Okay.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, how do we do that?

Okay, say the first thing

that comes to your head.

Your guitar looks like a cock.

- (SNICKERS)

- (LAUGHING)

- Yeah? Okay.

- Mmm.

You go.

Balloons look like b*obs.

- Okay?

- (GIGGLES)

And roses...

look like vaginas.

- Vagina!

- Yep. Yep.

- Yeah!

- Yeah.

- It's a great word. Right?

- It's a great word.

- Yeah.

- The best, actually.

I...

(LAUGHING)

Cool.

Are you coming on the walk tomorrow?

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

Count me in.

Cool. Oh...

Looking forward to it.

- Night.

- Yep.

- All right.

- (CLEARS THROAT)

(EXHALES, SNIFFS)

Hey, buddy.

(QUIET TAPPING)

(CHILD LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

You're that other guy.

You're the creepy guy.

You okay?

(WHISPERS)

Motherf***er.

(SHOVEL HITS DIRT)

(GRUNTING)

Marriage...

shouldn't be...

this f***in' hard.

(GRUNTS)

The f***!

What?

(SHOUTS)

Aaah!

(PANTING)

(AX HITS FLESH)

Thank you.

Anyone drink coffee?

(KNOCKING)

Hey.

Uh, we're heading out soon, so...

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Have you seen West?

So you're not fine. Uh, I don't know.

What if he left,

or ran away like those two a**holes?

Hey.

West seemed like a really capable guy.

And considering his name, I think he's got

a pretty good sense of direction, so...

F*** off.

- Did you guys get in a fight or something?

- Did you hear me, a**hole?

Well, I'm just saying.

Look, he probably went

to the bar last night.

You know, it's a long walk back.

Why don't you come with us on the hike?

And we'll probably run into him.

Yeah?

Okay. Fine.

- Cool.

- Now leave.

(WATER RUNNING)

Hmm.

Want some jerky?

I'm not gonna say no.

I don't touch the stuff myself.

But I always have extra.

Hey, Michael?

- This isn't my first hike, but...

- Yeah, I know.

It's my first.

Yeah. You okay?

Or are you trying to lose the Twinkie puff?

- You insulting the law, girl?

- No. Never.

I'm just saying, I'm a pretty good

seamstress if you need some new clothes.

Duly noted.

So, how long have you

and West been together?

We started f***ing in high school.

Found a common interest. It stuck.

So, that's romantic then.

(CHUCKLES)

You don't need romance when you have music.

What kind of band you in?

- We're called The Royal C*nts.

- (CHUCKLES)

So, what about you and Betty?

Not that I care.

Uh, we've known each other

since we were kids.

One day it was a kiss, and then...

Yeah, she's licking your a**hole.

(GAGGING)

Is she all right?

Uh, yeah. I think

the flu's going around or something.

The flu. Right.

Hope it wasn't my cooking.

I'm fine, really.

We made it to the lake.

Let's eat lunch here.

I-I picked it up, Davie. I did.

This doesn't feel right.

We had a home.

Baby, that wasn't a home.

Hey. Now, who's been looking out for you?

- You.

- Yeah.

Damn straight.

Hey.

We're gonna be okay.

- (GIGGLES)

- We are.

Just gonna be me, you and our kid.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey.

- I'll be right back, okay?

- Where you going?

I'm just gonna try to find

somewhere around here to take a piss.

I'm being active, Davie.

I'm on a hike right now.

I'll do whatever it takes.

Proactive?

- Yeah, I'm doing that too.

I'm drinking less. - Hey.

Whoa!

- I didn't mean anything.

- Nothing.

- Just somebody else on the trail.

- Have you seen Hannah?

Well, I realize I need to change.

No, I don't want to change you.

Oh, sh*t.

I just dropped my lunch.

(DUCK QUACKING)

(QUACKING STOPS)

About time.

I was beginning to get wor...

(SCREAMING)

(WOMAN, OPERATIC)

A ve Maria

- Hey, you. What the f***?

- Run, you a**hole.

- What the f***, Hannah? Who the f***

did this? - Just... f***ing... run!

- Hey! Help! Somebody, help us!

- (WAILING)

No, we gotta get this out first.

Okay? Okay?

Do it.

Do it!

(SCREAMING)

Who the f*** did this?

(GURGLING)

- How long?

- Hmm?

How long have you been pregnant?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Uh-huh.

You're pretty talented.

What's a young girl like you

doing out of school?

- Long story.

- Yeah, I bet.

- How old are you?

- (CHUCKLES)

Oh. Never mind.

- Help me. Help me!

- Rachael? What happened?

- I found Jake.

- Where?

- Dead.

- Which direction?

- There.

- You stay here with Betty. I'm gonna go...

No! I think it's Hannah.

Don't be ridiculous.

(SCREAMING)

- Stay right there!

- It's her! Shoot her!

She's literally holding a bloody weapon.

B*tch, I got a hole

in my leg because of you!

What the f*** is going on?

All I see is a murderer

and a man with a gun!

- Logic dictates... - Logic dictates

you shut your whore-mongering mouth!

- Calm down.

- That b*tch killed this girl's brother.

They aren't brother and sister.

- They look just alike.

- Who gives a f***!

Just shoot her!

Hey, you're not brother and sister,

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