Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders

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1

First position.

Second position.

Third position.

Fourth position, open.

Fourth position, closed.

Very good, dick.

You'll be doing multiple

double tours in no time.

Gosh, Bruce,

kids don't ballet dance.

I mean, I feel ridiculous

in these tights.

The discipline of ballet promotes

balance, flexibility and strength,

all useful things in our

never-ending fight against crime.

Gee Willikers, I never

thought of it that way.

Now, that's enough practice

for one night.

Gotham palace is on,

and even crime fighters need

mindless entertainment sometimes.

Gosh, yes!

It's my favorite show.

Welcome to everyone's

favorite variety show,

the Gotham palace.

And here's your host,

that international starlet

of stage and screen,

Miranda Monroe.

Thank you.

Thank you.

On tonight's show, we have

those singing sensations,

the mop tops with the mostest,

Hector and the ho daddies.

Those aren't the ho daddies.

No, it's that mocking mountebank

of malice, the joker.

Oh, sorry, kitties,

but the ho daddies have decided

to play a smaller venue,

the broom closet backstage.

Bruce, look!

It's that black-hearted bearer of a

billion bumbershoots, the penguin.

Careful, you

pre-pubescent pipsqueaks,

or I'll give you a taste

of my penguin umbrella.

And the prince of perverted

puzzles, the Riddler.

Riddle me this. What kind

of band doesn't play music?

Answer.

A band of thieves.

And of course,

that dominatrix of deviltry...

Catwoman needs no introduction.

Holy unholy alliance.

Our greatest foes have reunited.

Quick, gang, we have to hold these

creepy crooks for the cops.

I do love a captive audience,

but we must be going.

Let us away, let us away.

It's the bat-signal, sir.

Yes, Alfred, no doubt the

commissioner is already calling.

Oh!

Mercy alive.

Why, you'd think you were Batman

and Robin, rushing out like that.

We were just going fishing,

aunt Harriet.

At this hour?

Land's sake!

You two sure do fish a lot.

We find it's a great way

to relax

from the pressures of being a millionaire

playboy and his teenage ward.

Indeed. Now, if you'll

excuse us, aunt Harriet.

Can you believe the lengths those

two go to keep their little secret?

- Secret, ma'am?

- Why, Alfred!

You really don't see it?

No, I do not.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I believe the upstairs

doorknobs need polishing.

Good day, madam.

No need to explain,

commissioner.

We saw the whole sordid affair.

Those criminals

will be brought to justice,

or I'll know the reason why.

We're on our way.

Hurry, caped crusader.

Whoever you may be

under that cowl of yours,

you paladin of virtue,

you're our only hope.

To the Batcave.

"Poor people have it, rich people

need it, if you eat it, you die."

- What is it?

- Nothing.

I can't come up

with anything either, Batman.

No, chief, the answer

is "nothing."

How can "nothing" be a clue,

when it's not even a thing?

In this case, "nothing"

is certainly something.

- Robin?

- Let's see...

Zero. Zilch.

Goose egg.

Precisely.

Farmer Jones delivered

a shipment

of his prizewinning goose eggs

to the local market

just last week.

They're after eggs?

It's not what was delivered,

commissioner, rather when.

Last Tuesday, which was also the

night of the total lunar eclipse.

You see, it's really

quite simple.

The atomic energy laboratory, headed

by our old friend, professor Nichols,

just opened a new wing dedicated to

the science of total lunar eclipses.

And I'll bet my cowl

the laboratory is where

those felonious fiends

are going to strike next.

Of course, how could

I not see it myself?

Come on, Robin, there's

a bad moon on the rise.

To the Batmobile!

What would we do

without him, commissioner?

I shudder to even

consider it, O'Hara.

Not so fast, old chum.

But we're in a hurry, Batman.

Jaywalking is extremely

hazardous, especially at night.

As duly deputized

officers of the law,

it is imperative

we follow the rules.

Gosh, yes, you're right, Batman.

No one's above the law, even when

you're trying to enforce it.

Quickly, Robin,

to the crosswalk!

The replica ray has

the ability to scan an object

and create an identical version.

Observe.

As you might imagine, the

applications are endless.

Does anyone have any questions?

I do...

Riddle me this.

What is black and blue

and red all over?

Answer. You, if you

don't hand over the ray.

You heard him, knave.

Never!

It's too important to give to filthy

criminal types such as yourselves.

Oh! You dare defy us?

You must be insane.

And here's the proof!

Why, you're practically

certifiable.

Scientists, head for cover.

The only things these fiends will

be multiplying with that device

is their prison sentences.

Great quivering jellyfish,

the dynamic dunderheads!

Into the fray, my fitness finks.

Oh, Batman, give up this life of

excessive do-gooding and join us.

A man of your skills

could be quite useful to me.

Us...

When heck freezes over,

you shameless Bathsheba.

Let the grownups talk,

boy bird-brain.

Tag! You're it!

We could have a lot of fun.

What do you say?

I say, renounce

your evil ways, Catwoman.

Cease this infernal flirting.

Three Catwomen!

- Is that so bad?

- Of course it is!

Now he has to pick just one.

Perhaps not!

Batman, they're getting away

with the replica ray.

Ironic, since I'm seeing triple.

They won't get far.

To the Batmobile.

Holy crumbling infrastructure!

Robin, time to use

our trusty Batzooka!

Holy trench warfare!

Tin foil?

What does it mean, Batman?

We were foiled, Robin.

A taunt from

our arrogant adversaries.

But in their hubris, they may have left

a clue to the location of their lair.

This machine contains the information

of two sets of encyclopedias.

It'll be able to collect and

analyze data in mere seconds.

Holy Einstein!

That's a lot of brain power.

Amorphous

semi-crystalline layers.

Starch.

More precisely, gravy.

So what does it mean?

Take all the clues together,

the foil, the gravy...

Holy Salisbury steak!

- That could only mean...

- Right again, old chum.

The Fitzsimmons TV dinner factory

is where they're holed up.

Let's go.

I say!

It is patently preposterous,

you pretentious poser!

With this ray we can multiply

money, diamonds, females... heh...

I wouldn't expect you to

understand, you boorish bird.

Only those who view crime as

an art form have true vision.

Right, joker?

Oh, don't drag me into your

tedious tete-a-tete.

As long as the punch line

is funny, I don't care.

Enough caterwauling.

None of it will matter if Batman

stops us, like he always does.

Oh, dear me.

Someone's being a touchy tatty.

Ooh! Why the bad humor,

Catwoman?

I'm just saying we need Batman on our

side if we want to truly thrive.

My greatest joy as a super crook

is confounding that cowled clod!

Still, you do have a point.

But how do you turn

a bat into a rat?

I call it Batnip.

One scratch, and mass muscles

will be mine to manipulate.

That's been tried before,

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