Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders Page #2

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by better crooks than you.

Watch your tongue.

No one challenges

the Princess of plunder.

It will work, I guarantee it.

Now, quickly...

No doubt

he's already on his way.

Feisty feline.

Soon you'll be a diva declawed.

With those four felons possibly

hiding in wait for us,

we don't dare

use the front door.

Really feeling the burn

in the legs, Batman.

That ballet practice

took a lot out of me.

Thus supporting my suspicion

you've been focusing too much on your

upper-body strength during workouts.

Gee whiz, I have been spending

a lot of time on my biceps.

A frozen TV dinner factory.

Appropriate, as you'll all soon be put

on ice in Gotham state penitentiary.

Show yourselves.

Oh, stop me if

you've heard this one, Batman.

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

Because they

crack each other up.

You need new material.

Fools! Get them.

One last time, Catwoman,

I implore you to turn

yourself in without a fight.

You will be

gentle with me, Batman?

You have my assurance I will handle you...

Personally.

That sounds divine.

I'd like that very much.

Shall we go, then?

But first, may I fix my hair?

I always like

to look good for the judge.

A woman as beauteous as yourself

should be allowed

to look her best.

You've earned that much

for doing the right thing.

Holy noxious gas!

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Rise and shine,

my winged warriors.

It doesn't have

to be this way, Batman.

You're right.

It's not too late to renounce

your evil ways, Catwoman.

You are the one

who will renounce his ways,

my dutiful do-gooder.

Granted, you've been known

to cloud the minds of men,

but I live by a set

of immalleable principles.

Oh, that's where this comes in.

After a dose, I think you'll

find your principles less rigid.

What did you do to him,

you sinful succubus?

Observe.

Kiss me, Batman.

I...

- I...

- Batman, no! Don't do it.

- Will...

- Don't do it.

Will...

Not!

Don't worry, old chum.

My moral fiber is stronger than any

substance this she-devil might concoct.

Oh, well, no use

crying over spilled milk.

Ah! I told you

it wouldn't work.

Never mind, Pengi...

Magic potions

may not affect Batman,

but I'm sure good

old-fashioned fire does.

Our most hated foes are about

to become a human TV dinner.

Huzzah! Huzzah!

Fiends! I swear by all that is

just, you will rue this day.

The only roux here

is in the gravy.

Come, my capricious cronies

in criminality.

It's starting to heat up,

Batman.

But, we do smell delicious.

The smell of death, Robin,

I'm afraid.

Guess this is our

last meal, Batman.

Then this is one time I would

advocate starting with dessert.

I suppose it doesn't matter

if we ruin our appetites now.

No, Robin.

The dessert is a lemon tart.

Holy citric enzymes!

Lemons are acidic.

Correct, Robin.

Now if I can just cover my

ropes with this lemon filling,

the acidic content might be

enough to weaken my bonds.

Hurry, Batman!

Holy entree, Batman!

We were almost done for.

Well done, to be precise.

Though I find it quite

distasteful they got away.

At least Catwoman's play

to turn you evil didn't work.

True.

Now we still have to uncover

what those malicious miscreants

have planned

for the replica ray.

Can you believe it?

Those Bolsheviks in Belgravia

have launched

another manned space flight.

Shameful indeed, chief.

It seems when it comes

to the space race,

we've fallen

even further behind.

Watching television

while on the job?

I certainly don't

condone that, commissioner.

Oh, uh, of course, Batman.

So sorry.

We were just...

It's not me

you need to apologize to.

It's the law-abiding

taxpayers of Gotham city.

You're quite right,

caped crusader.

Begorra! I've never been

so ashamed.

Enough sniveling, gentlemen.

We're here

on more pressing matters.

The joker and his crooked

cohorts got away.

We're sure they're causing mayhem

to Gotham city. But where?

Strangely enough, we haven't heard

a peep from them, boy wonder.

Not a peep?

How unlike those fiends.

Harriet Cooper,

you know this is Bruce's

hallowed and forbidden

no woman's land. Oh!

But I just know

he's hiding something.

A red phone.

My, how unique.

Mustn't touch, aunt Harriet.

The oil from your fingers

can ruin the finish.

Bruce! I...

- I was just...

- Leaving?

Yes. Of course.

Land's sakes!

How did I end up in here?

Wayne manor is so big, it's

easy to get turned around.

Toodle-oo boys!

Gosh, that was close.

Too close, I'm afraid.

- Alfred!

- Sir. -Aunt Harriet almost uncovered

our most intimate of secrets,

our true identities

as crime fighters.

It's your job to keep her

away from this study.

Deepest apologies, sir.

It won't happen again.

No, it won't.

You're dismissed.

For the night?

Forever.

Bruce, surely you don't mean it.

It's quite all right,

master dick.

Master Bruce, it has been

an honor to serve you.

Goodbye, Alfred.

I'm sure you'll continue

to make me proud, master dick.

Goodbye.

Gosh, Bruce, he's been

with you since you were a boy.

It wasn't that big of a deal.

An entire city depends on us.

Clearly, Alfred had gotten

too comfortable here.

I suspect a change

would be best for both of us.

Now, enough sentimentality.

There's much work yet to do.

To the Batcave!

Now!

Holy dragnet! We've

looked everywhere, Batman.

Downtown, uptown, in the bay...

It doesn't make any sense.

Maybe they've given up.

I mean it's either that

or they're not on this planet.

Great Scott, that's it, Robin!

Lex Parsimoniae.

Latin for "law of parsimony"?

Good job. Your grasp of the

dead languages has improved.

No language can be dead

if it lives in your heart.

Quite true.

Law of parsimony.

Also known as Occam's razor.

When you have

two competing theories,

the simplest one

tends to be true.

So I ask you,

did the most depraved,

evil, cold-hearted individuals

throw in the towel?

Or is it something simpler?

We can't find them because they're

no longer on this planet.

- Holy Trojan horse!

- Yes, Robin.

I contend those thieves hitched a

ride on that Belgravian rocket

that was just

launched into space.

Approaching

space station, comrade.

Prepare to dock.

Oh, pardon me, boys,

but could you direct me to the

powder room in this tin can?

No?

Then I'm afraid

you'll have to take a powder.

Pengi?

Sweet dreams,

my comatose cosmonauts.

To the Batrocket!

Gosh, Batman.

I never thought we'd need the

Batrocket on one of our cases.

An intergalactic spaceship is just another

tool in a crime fighter's arsenal.

Now, Robin,

space travel is the most dangerous

endeavor man has ever embarked upon.

I need to know if you

have the right stuff.

If brave men weren't

willing to take bold risks,

we wouldn't be able to move

forward as a society.

Then we take a bold risk now,

for Gotham city.

Initiate bat-countdown.

- T-minus 10 seconds.

Fire booster rockets.

Adjust bat-radar dish.

Open launch doors.

T-minus five...

Four... three...

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