Batman: The Movie Page #2

-Prepare our submarine for sea.

-Yo-ho!

-Yo-ho what?

-Sir!

Holy Merlin magician!

Get set for a shock.

The Batcamera was aimed at the yacht.

BATMAN:
My hunch was right.

-l don't get it--

Think! As you remarked,

no one can make...

...a seagoing vessel

simply disappear.

Provided it was ever

really there at all.

-You mean--?

-Precisely!

The yacht we thought we saw

was a mere illusion.

A tricky projection akin

to the common desert mirage.

It deceived our naked eyes...

...but was blocked

by the Batcamera's Batfilter!

I know where

that projection came from.

-Observe that bell buoy.

ROBlN:
What about it?

The coordinates of our position

were 1 0.3 by 69-B.

Feed those figures into

the navigational aid computer.

Roger.

No legal bell buoy at that position.

As l surmised, an illegal projection

buoy cleverly camouflaged.

Maybe the crooks left fingerprints!

Good thinking, let's find out.

To the Batboat, fast!

-One thing l don't dig, Batman.

-Oh?

If that ship was a mirage,

where's the real one?

Taken to some secret island hideaway

with every soul aboard, save one.

-Commodore Schmidlapp?

-Precisely.

For some reason

the hijackers needed him...

...or his invention

as part of their criminal scheme.

Keep an eye on the scope.

Watch for suspicious vessels.

It looks like we've got

the whole ocean to ourselves.

Diving planes, Mr. Bluebeard,

three degrees.

Hoist three degrees.

I hope you know

what you're doing, Penguin.

Mr. Riddler, I ignore

your insipid insinuation, sir!

Mr. Joker, you're leaning

on the control!

Don't sound so bossy, if you please!

As the poet says:

"On land, you may command.

At sea, it is me!"

Now hear this. This is your captain

speaking, my fine pinioned pirates.

We're approaching the buoy.

There may be skullduggery ahead!

MAN:
Yo-ho!

-What? What?

Unidentified small craft, bearing 1 1 3.

Mr. Bluebeard, hold her steady!

Up periscope!

Great quivering icebergs!

Just as I hoped.

BATMAN:

Watch your step, Robin.

An underwater shark cage.

The source of that fish.

What cruelty!

Stuffing a poor shark with deadly TNT!

Nothing's sacred to those devils.

Torpedoes! What are we waiting for?

Chain of command, Mr. Riddler.

The Penguin runs the ship.

Mr. Joker.

Load the torpedo tubes!

Yo-ho!

Load torpedo tubes!

Salt and corrosion.

The infamous old enemies of

the crime fighter. No prints here.

Look here, Batman.

That tricky mirage projector

must be behind this plate.

Wow! What a set of superpower lenses!

No wonder we were fooled.

Look, Robin.

ROBlN:
Holy Long John Silver!

A periscope!

He spotted us! Set torpedoes

to automatic homing.

Set torpedoes to automatic homing!

You crazy bird.

Fire them off, quickly!

Activate the remote control

Penguin magnet inside that buoy.

Yo-ho!

Holy glue pot! What's going on?

The fiends! They've converted

this buoy into a gigantic magnet!

It's got us by the metallic objects

in our utility belts.

Torpedo tubes armed!

Batman! We're helpless

in this monstrous, invisible grip!

-Steady, Robin. l see one hope.

-What, Batman?

If l could just pry loose

my utility belt transmitter!

-Mr. Joker, are you ready to fire?

-Yo-ho, ready to fire!

Five, four, three, two.

-Fire 1 !

-Fire 1 !

Torpedoes!

If l can just reverse the polarity,

send out waves of super energy.

-What happened?

-Mr. Joker, fire 2!

Fire 2!

Here comes another one!

You and your reconditioned

surplus torpedoes!

He must be using a super energy

reverse polarizer! Mr. Joker, fire 3!

Fire 3!

Here comes a third one!

Confound it, the batteries are dead!

This one's getting through!

It is. lt's getting through.

[TORPEDO EXPLODES]

Surface, Mr. Bluebeard!

Let us feast our eyes

on the watery remains!

Gosh, the nobility

of the almost-human porpoise.

True, Robin.

It was noble of that animal...

...to hurl himself into

the path of that torpedo.

He gave his life for ours.

Operator, give me the Pentagon,

Navy department.

Too bad.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Admiral Fangschliester's office.

Hello, Batman speaking.

Oh, hello.

-Who is it?

-Batman.

Oh, Batman.

Hello, Batman. Ahoy!

What can I do for you?

Hello, admiral.

A routine question.

Have you recently sold surplus

submarines? lf so, to whom?

Just a moment,

I'll have to look that up.

[WHlSTLES]

Keep practicing.

Answer:
affirmative. We disposed

of a surplus submarine on Friday.

A pre-atomic model.

To some chap named P.N. Gwynne.

-P.N. Gwynne?

-The Penguin!

Did this P.N. Gwynne leave an address?

Just a post office box number.

Would you like it?

No, thank you, admiral.

You've been very helpful.

Your tone sounds grim.

We haven't done anything foolish?

Disposing of submarines to persons

who don't even leave their addresses?

-Good day, admiral.

-Gosh!

The Penguin in command

of a pre-atomic submarine!

-Grave situation, Robin.

-lf only we knew what he was up to!

[RUMBLING]

Holy Polaris!

From that submarine, no doubt.

That missile, it's written something.

ROBlN:

A riddle, in the form of a joke!

Let's race back to headquarters.

You know what this means, don't you?

Our fear is confirmed. Penguin,

Joker, Riddler, their forces combined.

-Heaven only knows the objective!

-lt may be worse.

Worse?

-Saints alive, how can that be?

-Look at this pair of riddles.

"What does a turkey do

when he flies upside down?"

-He gobbles up.

-Of course.

-And number two.

"What weighs 6 ounces,

sits in a tree and is dangerous?"

-A sparrow with a machine gun.

-Of course.

Now, combine both answers.

What kind of creature would

gobble up a bird in a tree?

Heaven protect us, a cat!

Yes, the criminal catalyst

in this entire affair...

...our old archenemy, Catwoman.

Penguin, Joker, Riddler

and Catwoman too!

The sum of the angles

of that rectangle is monstrous.

We've been given warning.

They work to take over--

-Gotham City?

-Any two of them might try that!

-The whole country?

-lf it were three, l'd say yes.

But four?

Their minimum objective must be...

...the entire world.

CATWOMAN:

The United World building, comrades.

Our objective, the Security Council.

Sitting like fat birds in a tree

just waiting to be snatched.

And you bungled it!

The Dynamic Duo escaped our trap!

Passing porpoises

which intercept torpedoes!

There ought to be

a piscatorial statute!

Time is short! We've got

to get Batman before he gets us.

I could lure him into

a giant exploding octopus--

After one of your fishy explosions,

they're still in one piece.

I suppose they'll be broken up

by your moldy jokes!

Shut up, all of you!

I see the way to do it.

We'll play each of our treacherous

trumps in one hand.

And we'll do it right here!

-How?

-How?

The end.

The end of....

We shall spring them from

the Joker's jack-in-the-box...

...through that window,

out over the sea...

...and into the waiting arms

of the Penguin's exploding octopus!

The trigger? One of my riddles.

And the bait? You, Catwoman.

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