Batman vs. Two-Face Page #2

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- why Tut would steal a biplane.

- (COMPUTER BEEPING)

The plane was

owned by Thomas Hewell.

A man who made his fortune

through Egyptian cotton.

Holy hieroglyphics! It's so obvious now.

I can't believe I missed that.

You have to think like the professor, and

the professor thinks he's King Tut reborn.

Great Scott. The company that

sponsored tonight's midnight tour

is the Nile Double-Decker Bus Company.

That has to be

Tut's next target!

And we just sent Alfred and

Aunt Harriet in our stead.

To the Batmobile!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(GLASSES CLINK)

(GRUNTING)

(ALL GASP)

Stop!

Good gravy, that's unexpected.

- Oh, my!

- (ALL CLAMORING)

Silence, plebeians. It is...

(CLEARS THROAT)

- It is I. King Tut! And I...

- (ALL CLAMORING)

- I command you to... I...

- (ALL SHOUTING)

- Ah, shut up!

- (ALL GASP)

(MAN WHIMPERS)

Proceed, Tutlings.

There it is, Batman.

- Activating Bat-autopilot.

- (BEEPING)

(WHIMPERING)

(GROANS)

Hand over the dough and

fancy rocks, grandma.

Heavens...

- (GROANS)

- Mrs. Cooper.

Now, see here, you ruffian.

Oh, a tough guy, huh?

BATMAN:
Citizen, duck.

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

Egads! The Caped Crumbums!

Surrender, you poor deluded fool, and

throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

You'll be begging for mercy

when we get through with you.

Tutlings, ho!

(GRUNTS)

(BEEPS)

Alfred, get the patrons to safety.

At once, sir.

(MAN SCREAMS)

Quickly now. Watch your step.

WOMAN:
Age before beauty, I suppose.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ALFRED GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

That'll teach these thievin' thugs.

Indeed. Now for Tut.

Nuts to you, Masked Morons.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Fangs dipped with

a fast-acting knockout venom.

- Holy hypodermic!

- (BOTH GROAN)

I always knew you'd make

an asp of yourself, Bat-boob.

(LAUGHING)

(STRAINING) What are these things, Batman?

Canopic jars, Robin.

Used by the ancient Egyptians to store

and preserve the viscera of their owner

for the afterlife.

Holy entrails! But why?

Simple, Boy Birdfeed.

Once entombed in the foundation of the

soon-to-be-erected Pyramid Tower,

the Dynamic Dunderheads

will be preserved for all eternity.

Fitting, no?

You... You fractured pharaoh.

Hit it, boys!

Batman and Robin trapped in yon urns,

awaiting their fates as the cement churns.

Their clipped wings can't fly.

So, alas, they'll die.

And all the crooks of Gotham shall say,

"That Tut was one heck of a guy."

(LAUGHING)

It's already hardening, Batman.

Follow my instructions precisely.

Press the back of your soles

against the side of the jar.

The heat from the chemical reaction of

the cement might trigger the Bat-jets.

(RATTLING)

(BOTH STRAINING)

(STRAINING)

(MEN GRUNT)

Your reign is over, Tut.

A pox on thee

and all your ancestors! (GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Oh! (GROANING)

Huh. Oh. Where am I? Batman.

But if you're here that means...

Oh. Tut again?

I'm afraid so, Professor.

(SIGHS) Having a split personality

can be so inconvenient at times.

The boss's scheme is

falling into place.

Two-fold. Too bad

about the professor.

Eh, just grab the bag, and let's

get out of here. On the double.

The stolen loot was missing from

the crime scene, Caped Crusaders.

And no sign of

the biplane either.

Holy Amelia Earhart!

Where do you hide a biplane?

Tell us what you know, Professor.

PROFESSOR McELROY: Oh, I wish I knew,

gentlemen. Honestly, I do.

You expect us

to believe that malarkey?

Remember, Chief, King Tut committed

the crime. Not this poor pathetic soul.

When he's knocked on the head,

he forgets everything he did as Tut.

I think I get your meaning,

Boy Wonder. (CHUCKLES)

Ow. How dare you

assault my royal presence?

Where'd you hide the goods,

you felonious pharaoh?

Fie on thee!

My secrets are as impenetrable

as any vault in the Great Pyramids.

Ah! Ah-ha!

Ow!

What's happening?

Even the pyramids were

eventually pried open, Tut!

Ow!

You'll have to chase me through

the 12 gates of the afterlife,

and you still won't get

me to talk, flatfoot!

Ow!

Oh, my head.

Why does it hurt so bad?

I won't give up that easy!

That's enough, Chief.

Our only recourse is to wait for

the professor to see his day in court.

And if I have any say,

he'll leave a free man.

Lucilee Diamond, public defender.

Now, if you'll kindly leave,

so I can advise my client.

Of course, Ms. Diamond.

Well, Harvey, do you have a case?

Looks like it, Commissioner.

Despite my winning streak since returning

to the DA's office, half of me

hoped the poor devil would confess

and save the expense of a lengthy trial.

I have faith that a jury of his peers

will have pity on a sick man, Mr. Dent.

Good day, gentlemen.

Chief, have you ever known

this poor professor

to break the law

when he was not King Tut?

Ms. Diamond, I'm not sure.

You'd have to ask Batman.

So when not suffering

the effects of a concussive state

that brings on

the King Tut identity,

he is a mild-mannered,

harmless member of society?

You'd have to ask Batman.

I object. Counsel is

confusing the witness.

Not hard to do.

Overruled.

And did you not try

to extract a confession

by bludgeoning this poor man

to recreate that concussive state?

Objection. Tut is on trial here,

not the professor.

It's true. All true, I confess.

(SOBBING)

(ALL GASP)

(MURMURING)

No further questions.

Thank you, Chief.

It's my honor to serve.

- (GROANS)

- Judge, I'd like to call my next witness,

Batman.

HARVEY:
Batman, in all your

dealings with King Tut,

how would he rate as

criminal masterminds go?

King Tut's one of my

most deadly adversaries.

But I believe with

proper rehabilitation,

Tut can someday be

a productive member of society.

So you are saying the only hope to ridding

Gotham of the scourge of King Tut

is to send him to prison where he can

get the help he so desperately needs?

- Well, I...

- No further questions.

Your Honor, I'd like to call

Professor McElroy to the stand.

(GASPS)

Professor, you stated for the court that

you have no memory of your actions

when King Tut takes over.

None whatsoever. No one is more

horrified by King Tut's actions than I.

But isn't it true that without

your expertise in Egyptology,

Tut couldn't commit his crimes?

Well, I suppose that's true,

but...

Thereby making you the real

mastermind behind his schemes.

Homina homina homina.

No further questions, Your Honor.

(GLASSES CLINK)

Fifteen years with possible

time off for good behavior.

Tough break for the professor.

Yes, poor devil.

Still, justice was served.

At this rate, you'll be lead

DA again in no time, Harvey.

Batman nabs the super crooks,

and I send them to the state pen.

The same place Batman sent you.

Why, Dick, I hope you don't feel like

a third wheel when I'm around.

After all,

I'm only Bruce's best friend.

You're his ward.

But the truth is,

if it wasn't for Batman's help

or Bruce's friendship during my dark time,

who knows where I'd be right now?

Robbing a bank?

Oh, my! Two handsome bachelors who are

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