Beach Pillows Page #4

BUT, LIKE, IN A REALLY

TANGIBLE WAY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE...

LIKE I LOST MY WALLET.

OR A SET OF KEYS?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I TIRED

TO SELL MY SOUL ONCE.

REALLY?

YEAH, I LITERALLY

PRAYED TO THE DEVIL

FOR ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD.

- YOU DID?

- YEAH.

[CHUCKLES]

DID IT WORK?

[SCOFFS] NO.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! OHH!

- WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

[LAUGHS]

PULL UP TO THIS KID'S DOOR!

PULL UP TO THE MAILBOX.

I GOT HIM RIGH WHERE I WANT HIM, BABY!

RIGHT WHERE I WANT HIM.

HOLD ON.

SLOW DOWN JUST A F***ING

LITTLE BIT HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- COME HERE.

NO.

DUDE!

YOU BROKE MIMI'S MIRROR.

- [LAUGHS]

- YOU BROKE HER HANDLE!

WHO'S THE LOSER NOW,

YOU LITTLE SHITSUCKERS?

I F***ING BROKE THEIR MAILBOX

WITH THEIR OWN:

GODDAMN SKATEBOARD, DUDE!

OKAY, HOW DO YOU KNOW THA THAT WAS THEIR MAILBOX?

[SIGHS]

IT PROBABLY WASN'T, HUH?

- NO.

- NO.

I THINK IT WAS JUS A RANDOM MAILBOX THAT YOU HIT.

- YEAH. F***.

- ALL MY FRIENDS

HONEY, I AIN'T KIDDING

NO, I WON'T BE AROUND

ME AND MY FRIENDS

WILL BE HIGH:

FLYING O'ER THE GROUND

SO, BASICALLY...

HEY, ANNE FRANK.

CAN YOU PUT YOUR DIARY AWAY

WHILE I TELL YOU MY GENIUS IDEA?

SO, BASICALLY, IT'S JUS A MATTER OF GETTING THE PATENT.

YOU KNOW HOW TO GET ONE?

NO, I'M NOT EXACTLY VERSED

IN THE BUSINESS ASPECT OF IT.

BUT CREATIVELY, WE'RE ALL SET,

MAN. IT'S A SURE THING.

AND HOW DID YOU COME UP

WITH THIS BRILLIANT IDEA?

AS MOST SEMINAL IDEAS

ARE SPAWNED... OUT OF NECESSITY.

YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED A PILLOW

AT THE BEACH?

NECESSITY, CONVENIENCE,

LUXURY...

THESE ARE THE FUELS

THAT DRIVE THE INVENTOR'S MIND.

ANYWAY, I'M LYING THERE,

AND I THINK,

"I COULD REALLY USE A LITTLE BI MORE SUPPORT FOR MY HEAD, YOU KNOW?"

AND WHAT DOES ONE USUALLY DO

WHEN THEY'RE AT THE BEACH?

IT'S NOT RHETORICAL, GUYS.

I REALLY WANT YOU

TO PARTICIPATE.

OH, SO YOU PILE UP

SOME SAND UNDER.

RESOURCEFUL. GOOD.

NOT VERY COMFORTABLE.

MORGAN?

UM, ROLL UP YOUR TOWEL?

EXACTLY.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU DO,

AND EXACTLY WHAT I DECIDED TO DO

ON THAT FATEFUL DAY,

- WHICH GOT ME THINKING.

- TWO TOWELS.

ED, THE AUDIENCE-PARTICIPATION

SEGMENT IS OVER.

ALSO, ENTIRELY INCORRECT.

I STARTED THINKING

ABOUT PILLOWS.

AND WHY DON'T PEOPLE BRING

PILLOWS TO THE BEACH? MORGAN?

WAIT A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID

THE AUDIENCE-PARTICIPATION

SEGMENT WAS...

ED, STOP BEING A CHILD.

MORGAN?

BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A SH*T.

SAND!

DOMESTIC PILLOWS DO NOT PROTEC AGAINST THE INFILTRATION

OF SAND!

RIGHT?

BUT WHAT, MY FRIENDS,

IS SPECIFICALLY MADE,

DESIGNED TO HANDLE SAND?

YOU TALKING ABOUT THOSE

LITTLE SHOVELS WITH THE PAIL?

ED, YOU'VE GOT TO BE

THE STUPIDEST MOTHERF***ER

I'VE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WHAT COULD GO AROUND THE PILLOW

SO AS TO PROTECT IT?

TOWELS!

BEACH TOWELS!

RIGHT? YOU TAKE

A REGULAR F***ING PILLOW,

BUT YOU COVER IT...

INSTEAD OF WITH A PILLOWCASE,

YOU COVER IT WITH A BEACH TOWEL!

BING!

- TERRY CLOTH.

- WHAT?

A PILLOWCASE:

MADE OUT OF TERRY CLOTH?

NO, I'M SAYING

INSTEAD OF A PILLOWCASE,

YOU COVER IT WITH A BEACH TOWEL.

TERRY CLOTH IS WHA BEACH TOWELS ARE MADE OF.

I DON'T GIVE A F***

WHAT TERRY CLOTH IS!

THESE ARE BEACH PILLOWS, AND THEY'RE

MADE OUT OF F***ING BEACH TOWELS.

NOW, UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET KICKED OU ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF THIS THING,

YOU'RE GONNA F***ING STOP

TALKING ABOUT TERRY CLOTH.

I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW

WHAT TERRY CLOTH IS.

ED, I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU

SAY TERRY CLOTH ONE MORE TIME,

I'M GONNA DROWN YOU

IN MY MOTHER'S POOL.

- FINE.

- ONE MORE TIME. JUST SAY IT.

FINE, A BEACH TOWEL.

WHAT IF IT GETS WET, THOUGH?

WELL, LIKE MOST PILLOWCASES,

IT'S REMOVABLE.

HEY, MORGAN, BABY,

BE A SWEETHEART.

GRAB ME ANOTHER SANGRIA.

SANGRIA!

TIME TO BRING ME A SANGRIA!

SO, WHAT,

DOES IT HAVE A ZIPPER?

REALLY? REALLY?

YOU THINK SAND WORKS WELL

WITH F***ING ZIPPERS?

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

[SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

["MAINE" PLAYS]

[SIGHS]

AHH, AHH, AHH

MY PRIDE IS COMING ALONG

IT KEEPS ON:

FOLLOWING ME HOME

IT'S GONNA GET TO ME SOON

[TIRES SCREECH]

IT'S COMING

I'M GOING HOME AGAIN

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING.

WE ALREADY ATE,

AND I-I DIDN'T KNOW.

IT'S FINE.

I CAME TO SEE YOU GUYS.

WELL, WE JUST HAD DINNER, AND YOU

DIDN'T CALL. I'M SORRY, BUT...

THAT'S OKAY.

I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY.

I'LL HEAT SOMETHING UP, BUT IT'S

NOT GOING TO TASTE THE SAME.

OKAY.

I'M COMING HOME AGAIN

I'M COMING HOME

I'M COMING HOME

WE MEET WITH A LAWYER TOMORROW.

OH, YEAH?

- WHERE'D YOU FIND HIM?

- IT'S LARRY FUMUSO.

- CHRIS FUMUSO'S DAD?

- [SIGHS]

OH, COME ON, MOM.

HE COACHED ME IN SOCCER.

WE NEVER NEEDED A LAWYER

BEFORE.

HE GOT AN OFFICE SE FROM YOUR FATHER.

IT'S FINE.

IT'S FINE.

DID YOU ASK HER?

NOT YET.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

UM, IT JUST...

IT HASN'T BEEN THE RIGHT TIME.

WELL, YOU BETTER HURRY UP BEFORE SHE

FINDS SOMEONE WHO THINKS IT IS.

LET ME SEE IT.

IT'S AT MY PLACE, MY OLD PLACE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOURS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHERE IS IT?

I LOST IT AT JONES BEACH

WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE.

PRAYED TO SAINT ANTHONY,

BUT I GUESS HE CAN'T SWIM.

[BOTH LAUGH]

HOW DID I NEVER...

WHY DIDN'T YOU GET A NEW ONE?

COULDN'T AFFORD IT AT THE TIME,

AND THEN WHEN WE COULD...

I DON'T NEED A RING

TO KNOW YOUR FATHER LOVES ME.

SPEAKING OF,

HE'LL TAKE YOU BACK.

JUST A LITTLE HOT AT THE MOMENT.

I'M NOT SURE I WANT TO GO BACK.

YOUR FATHER CAN'T WORK FOREVER,

MORGAN.

THE STORE COULD BE YOURS

WITHIN 15, 20 YEARS.

15 TO 20?

WOW.

YEAH, THAT'S... JUST NOT FOR ME.

I KNOW HE'S UPSET NOW,

BUT TRUST ME.

IT'S FOR YOU.

SOMETHING GOING AROUND?

DIRT.

[SNIFFS]

WHY ARE ALL THE, UH,

PLAQUES AND STUFF ON MY BED?

OH, WE HAD TO TAKE THEM DOWN

WHEN WE GOT THE HOUSE RESIDED.

OKAY.

BECAUSE OF ALL THE BANGING.

GOT IT.

NO REASON TO PUT THEM BACK UP.

- I'M GONNA GO.

- OH, WHAT'S THE RUSH?

THANK YOU, MOM.

JUST GOT A LOT OF STUFF

I GOT TO WORK ON WITH NICK.

[DOOR SLAMS]

I'M READY.

FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

WHAT?

NO, NOT FOOTBALL.

I'M READY FOR SOME [GULPS]

I'M READY TO LET MY GOOSE LOOSE.

OH, YEAH.

HAVING THE SAME GIRL

FOR NINE YEARS?

- YEAH, THE SAME P*SSY.

- THE SAME P*SSY.

- ONE P*SSY.

- ONE P*SSY, NINE YEARS.

- FOREVER.

- FOREVER, YOU'RE RIGHT.

- FOREVER. I AM RIGHT.

- I MEAN, ONE P*SSY FOREVER?

- THAT'S NOT ALL UPSIDE.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THAT'S CONSIDERED CAPITAL

PUNISHMENT IN SOME CULTURES.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE THAT'S WHA A P*SSY'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE.

I'M SURE IT ISN'T.

LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

WAS IT AN UNDERNEATH

OR AN UP-FRONT SITUATION?

- UNDERNEATH OR UP FRONT?

- IT WASN'T AN OUTIE, WAS IT?

- I DON'T...

- WAS IT AN OUTIE?

- HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS STUFF?

- I'M A C*NT-OISSEUR, MAN.

LOOK, LET'S NO GET INTO SPECIFICS.

TONIGHT'S YOUR NIGHT,

AND YOU SAY YOU'RE READY,

AND, BROTHER, YOU BETTER BE.

I'M F***ING READY.

HEY!

WHAT'S GOING ON OVER HERE?

THE...

ONE...

WITH...

THE...

WAGGLY...

F*** THAT SH*T.

DRINK.

- WHAT?

- WHAT? I SAID IT.

WHEN YOU SHOULD BE SINGING IT,

AND WITH THE PROPER INFLECTION.

I'M NOT GONNA COMPROMISE

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