Beach Pillows Page #6

- HEY. YOU'RE PULLING MY HAIR!

AS YOUR BIG BROTHER,

CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

- YOU CAN DO BETTER.

- [LAUGHS]

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, DON'T F***

ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.

SEND IT!

I THINK WE'RE WONDERING

THE SAFEST APPROACH.

- SHOULD WE BARGAIN?

- BARGAIN? SURE.

I DON'T THINK

WE NEED TO BARGAIN.

DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO JAIL?

IS LIFE EASIER THERE FOR YOU?

NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING

TO SAY ABOUT IT.

- KICK IT!

- THANK YOU, LARRY.

OH, THERE'S NO NEED

TO THANK ME, RITA.

IT'S MY JOB... THE LAW.

COME ON, KICK IT, EVAN!

SEND IT!

OKAY, SO, UM, YOU...

YOU HEAR THEM COME IN.

YOU START PANICKING.

YOU'RE WORRIED. YOU...

- WELL...

- NO, NO, NO.

I'M NOT TRYING

TO UNDERSTAND MOTIVE HERE.

I'M JUST TRYING

TO ANALYZE THE FACTS.

- THERE WERE DRUGS INVOLVED.

- YES, I-I READ THAT.

SEND IT!

SEND IT!

YOU KNOW, I THINK,

REALLY, HONESTLY,

THE BEST BET HERE

IS THE INSANITY DEFENSE.

- JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH.

- SERIOUSLY? INSANITY DEFENSE?

HEY, HEY, HEY.

LISTEN TO THE MAN.

HE KNOWS:

WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

NO, LISTEN, I-I WEN INTO THE WRONG APARTMENT.

I WAS WAITING FOR CAMPBELL.

I HAD THE GOLF CLUB IN MY HAND.

UH, THE GUY WALKED IN

AND STARTED FREAKING OUT.

I MEAN, THE GUY WAS A MADMAN.

TRYING TO PROTECT HIS KIDS.

I WASN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO...

- MEN USE THEIR HANDS...

- JUST LET ME F***ING FINISH?!

YEAH, WELL, I THINK

WE JUST SHOULD PONDER INSANITY

FOR THE TIME BEING, SHALL WE?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

OKAY, BRING IT ON IN!

LET'S TAKE A BLOW, EVERYBODY!

NICE PRACTICE!

GOOD JOB, GUYS!

YO, MORGAN, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

UH... I DON'T KNOW.

DITTO, FROM SCHOOL.

WEASEL JAM.

WHAT?

OH, HEY. UH...

UH, DITTO, WHAT'S... WHAT'S,

UH... WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?

IS YOUR...

IS YOUR BROTHER PLAYING?

NAH, MAN. I'M JUST TRYING

TO MEET WITH LARRY,

TAKE CARE OF THIS BULLSHI POSSESSION CHARGE.

- OH, COOL.

- HEY.

THANKS.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?

- JUST BREAKING AND ENTERING.

- YEAH?

AND POSSESSION.

- NICE.

- THANKS.

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED

TO YOUR FACE?

AH, SOME MARK-ASS B*TCH

STEPPED TO ME.

- YEAH?

- YEAH.

WORD.

HEY, LISTEN, YOU STILL HANG OU WITH THAT DUDE NICK?

UM... NO, NOT REALLY.

GOOD.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T SEE...

I DON'T SEE HIM.

OKAY, UH...

IT'S GOOD SEEING YOU, DITTO.

JUST, UH, GOOD LUCK

WITH EVERYTHING.

- YEAH, YOU TOO, MAN.

- OKAY, YEAH.

YO, LARRY!

WHAT THE F***?!

- [BEEP]

- HEY, SWEETIE, IT'S "KAR."

I DIDN'T HEAR FROM YOU

YESTERDAY.

JUST WONDERING WHAT'S GOING ON.

YOU KNOW,

IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER

IF YOU STILL HAD A CELLPHONE,

BUT I GUESS THAT GOES AGAINS YOUR WHOLE MONASTIC SENSIBILITY

OR WHATEVER.

SO, YOUR CAR'S

OUTSIDE MY PLACE.

WERE YOU IN JAIL?

FORGET IT.

JUST CALL ME BACK.

LOVE YOU. BYE.

[BEEP]

[SIGHS]

- HEY, MOM.

- HEY, MORGAN.

JUST IN TIME.

FOR WHAT?

DINNER.

- C*NT.

- WHAT?

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'M TRYING TO GET A FACEBOOK

ACCOUNT FOR THE STORE.

THIS LOW-LIFE SON OF A B*TCH...

HE KEEPS ASKING ME

WHAT SCHOOL I WENT TO!

OKAY, RELAX.

I'M NOT ON IT.

JUST LET ME IN HERE.

GET IN THERE.

"MIDWOOD FURNISHING...

UNIVERSITY."

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S COOL.

NOT BAD, RIGHT?

SCHOOL'S NOT GONNA BILL ME

FOR THIS, ARE THEY?

I DON'T THINK SO.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW I WANT TO GOOSE SOMEBODY.

HOW DO I...

HOW DO I GOOSE SOMEBODY?

NO, IT'S NOT GOOSE, DAD.

IT'S POKE.

YEAH, POKE. I WANT...

I WANT TO POKE SOMEBODY.

POKE.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW WE'RE TALKING.

I WANT TO POKE YOU,

YOU SON OF A B*TCH.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING

IN MY BED?

I WOULD ASSUME SLEEPING.

HE SEEMED REALLY TIRED,

POOR BOY.

POOR BOY?

HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN HERE?

ALL AFTERNOON,

BUT HE'S JUST BEEN UPSTAIRS.

OKAY, IS THERE A REASON

WHY HE'S HERE?

APPARENTLY, VERONICA'S

NEW BOYFRIEND STARTED YELLING.

HE WAS DOING DRUGS.

IT'S UNFAIR WHAT SOME PEOPLE

PUT THEIR KIDS THROUGH.

- OH.

- DINNER!

- [DOG BARKS]

- WOW.

MY MOM AND THIS F***ING A**HOLE

BOYFRIEND OF HERS COME HOME,

FIND ME LYING ON THE FLOOR

IN MY UNDIES, COVERED IN BLOOD,

WITH A GRAVITY BONG IN THE SINK.

THIS MOTHERF***ER'S

SUPPOSED TO BE A DOCTOR.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

F***ING QUACK THINKS

I'M SMOKING METH OR SOMETHING.

[CHUCKLES]

F***ING BASTARD PRESCRIBES

PRESCRIPTION PILLS ALL DAY LONG,

PEDDLES THEM OUT, RIGHT?

GETS PAID HANDSOMELY FOR IT,

REVERED BY ALL,

YET I GET KICKED OU FOR EMPLOYING A NATURAL HIGH,

SELF-MEDICATING.

I'M TAKING BUSINESS AWAY

FROM THIS MOTHERF***ER.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON HE EVEN

F***ING CARES ABOUT THIS SH*T.

HIPPOCRATIC OATH, INDEED.

[DOG BARKS]

HEY!

- HEY, MORGAN!

- YEAH?

NOW I'M IN A TOUGH SPOT,

AND YOU'RE WALKING AWAY.

YOU'RE...

YOU'RE IN A TOUGH SPO FOR THE SAME REASON

THAT I'M IN A TOUGH SPOT...

'CAUSE YOU'RE A F***ING IDIOT.

DON'T F***ING CALL ME THAT.

- I MEAN, YOU WERE GETTING HIGH.

- YEAH, IS THAT AGAINST THE LAW?

[Laughing] YES.

YES, IT IS, F***ING IDIOT!

YEAH, WELL, IT SHOULDN'T BE,

SO DON'T F***ING THROW STONES,

ALL RIGHT?!

YOU KNOW WHAT SHOULD BE

AGAINST THE LAW?

SOMEONE WHO'S GOT EVERYTHING...

A FAMILY WHO LOVES THEM,

FRIENDS, A DEGREE, HIS HEALTH...

SOMEONE LIKE THA WHO MOPES AROUND ALL THE TIME

LIKE HE'S GOT F***ING CANCER.

THAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M RIGHT.

AND MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH

A SAD SACK OF SH*T ALL THE TIME,

KARLA WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN F***ING

CAMPBELL FOR THE LAST MONTH...

AND A HALF.

DO IT.

COME ON, DO IT!

YOU F***ING P*SSY.

COME ON!

DO F***ING SOMETHING, MORGAN.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

SO, THE PILLOW IS ACTUALLY

WRAPPED IN A TOWEL?

COMPLETELY ENCASED, SIR.

WHICH MEANS YOU CAN CLEAN IT.

YES. IT'S REMOVABLE.

LIKE A PILLOWCASE?

KIND OF BUT WITH BUTTONS,

VELCRO,

POSSIBLY LACES:

TO KEEP OUT THE SAND...

WHICHEVER YOU PREFER, REALLY.

IT'S BRILLIANT.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW "BRILLIANT."

[CHUCKLES]

NO, IT'S A NEW

AND REVOLUTIONARY IDEA.

IT'S LIKE WHAT EINSTEIN SAID.

HE SAID, "I ONLY HAD ONE OR TWO

GOOD IDEAS MY ENTIRE LIFE.

THE REST IS PERSISTENCE."

AND THEN WHAT DID HE DO?

HE BLEW UP THE ENTIRE WORLD.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO, US

TOGETHER... BLOW UP THE WORLD.

THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO SAY.

NOW, TYPICALLY, I KEEP TO THE

INTERIOR SIDE OF THE BUSINESS,

BUT THIS BEACH PILLOW...

I MEAN, IT WILL BRING US

IN A NEW AND EXCITING DIRECTION.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE'S LIVES

MORE COMFORTABLE, YOU KNOW?

SO, THIS IS WHAT YOU TWO

HAVE BEEN WORKING ON?

HERE.

BLESS US, O LORD,

AND THESE THY GIFTS,

WHICH WE ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE

FROM THY BOUNTY,

THROUGH CHRIST OUR LORD. AMEN.

I'M HAVING TROUBLE SEEING

THE DOWNSIDE, HERE, PAL.

THEN AGAIN, THAT'S NEVER

REALLY BEEN MY STRONG SUIT.

[CHUCKLES]

GO F*** YOURSELF.

THAT'S PARTICULARLY HARD

FOR ME TO DO, MORGAN,

BECAUSE I THINK THIS COULD

BE HUGE FOR BOTH OF US, MAN.

DUDE, I HAVE NO INTENTION

OF LEAVING YOU OUT IN THE COLD

ON THIS.

AND GIVEN THE RELATIONSHIP

ME AND YOUR DAD HAVE DEVELOPED,

I CAN GET YOU BACK ON THE STAFF

IN NO TIME, YOU KNOW?

I'M SORRY I DIDN' TELL YOU ABOUT KARLA.

IT MADE ME SICK.

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