Bean Page #13

DAVID:

As you can see, security's pretty tight in this section. Nobody gets

past Elmer here. Isn't that right?

ELMER:

Not in one piece anyway. I see Mrs Whistler as kind of ... like my own

dear mother. I'd kill any man that tried to interfere with her. The

Vice President here will vouch for that.

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DAVID:

You've known me five years Elmer. When do you get to calling me David?

ELMER:

Not my place, sir. It would only be a matter of time before I'm

calling you Dave. Then where would we be? By next year, you're my

Sweety-Pie" and I'm "Coochie-Coo". I'11 be back in 15.

He salutes, glares at BEAN and walks away. BEAN and DAVID enters the

room. BEAN looks warily back at ELMER

DAVID:

You think he's tough you should see the size of the hunk that works the

night shift.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. THE WHISTLER ROOM - DAY.

The room is very dark, only tiny lights in the corner.

DAVID:

Stay there. Keep your eyes closed. One final lock, one final key.

DAVID unlocks double doors in a wall with a plastic key card. Buzz -

click! The camera holds on BEAN, his eyes tight shut. The lights go

up on BEAN's face, a magical golden glow.

DAVID:

Right. Open now.

Cut round - and there is this beautiful and very famous painting,

lovingly shot. Music. Atmosphere. Glory.

BEAN opens his eyes and looks at the painting.

BEAN:

Mmmmm. Nice.

DAVID:

I'11 leave you with her for a few minutes. I'm sure you'll want to

give her a proper inspection. But whatever you do, don't leave the

room. Megasecurity, okay? Catch you.

BEAN nods. DAVID leaves him. BEAN is still for a while and then goes

up and inspects it closely.

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He tuts disapprovingly as he spots dust on the bottom of the frame. He

blows it away fussily. He steps back to admire the painting. There is

dust up his nose and... SNEEZE - all over the painting!

He takes out his handkerchief and wipes the spittle off in panic. Then

looks back at the painting. Unfortunately, there now seems to be a big

blue mark right across Mrs Whistler's face..

BEAN checks his handkerchief. Yes, there's wet ink all over it. He

finds the leaking pen in his pocket. 0 God. He takes out his shirt,

spits on it and tries to wipe the painting, but he can't make the shirt

reach it. He takes the painting down from the wall and has another go.

NO GOOD! The ink just spreads right over Whistler's Mother's pure

white collar.

BEAN now looks round in panic. What the hell can he do? He goes to

the heavy door - and looks out into the corridor. He hears someone

coming, hides and sees a young girl from the catering staff wheeling a

slightly squeaky trolley past, covered with a white cloth.

He goes back in - and has an idea. He goes to a little table in the

corner and begins to take thing off it.

CUT TO:

INT. GALLERY. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY.

The door opens, and BEAN emerges, pushing what appears to be a trolley

covered with a white cloth. Although, if you look carefully, this

trolley actually has no legs. It is the painting covered with the

table cloth. To make it a bit more convincing, BEAN makes an apt

squeaky noise.

He proceeds along the thin corridor - and then sees another exactly

similar trolley coming right towards him.' A problem. As they get

close, BEAN suddenly pretends he sees something astonishing behind the

on-coming man.

BEAN:

(silently mouths)

What the ... !!!

When the man turns, BEAN just twists his painting sideways and shoots

past him. We see the face of the deeply perplexed trolley-pusher when

he looks back and BEAN is no longer there. He turns round to BEAN, who

turns back to him with a totally blank and innocent look. BEAN sees an

elevator and heads for it.

CUT TO:

60

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. ELEVATOR - DAY

Inside the elevator, BEAN relaxes for a moment. He leans the painting

against the wall and presses the third floor button. The bell dings.

ELEVATOR VOICE:

Second floor.

BEAN manages to get the painting into trolley position before the doors

open to a group of six very fat middle aged people. They all wear

large badges declaring them to be members of a 'Diet Club'. They

squeeze into the elevator along both sides of BEAN's trolley. There is

a very, very, THIN WOMAN behind them who can't fit on.

THIN WOMAN:

I guess I'll see you up there, guys.

The doors close. As the painting is wedged against the fat people's

stomachs on both sides, BEAN is able to let go of it and make a great

show of checking his watch. He nonchalantly, drums the fingers of both

hands on the top of the trolley'. The bell dings.

ELEVATOR VOICE:

Third floor.

The doors open. BEAN flips the painting onto its side and strolls out

of the elevator. The 'Diet Cub, members stare, after him.

BEAN heads on, squeaking - and at last sees what he's looking for. A

men's room.

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. MEN'S ROOM - DAY

BEAN enters, relieved. It is small, just a little sink, a towel and a

toilet. About a yard wide - but the picture fits in.

BEAN starts to wash the painting very carefully and lo!! The ink

starts to come off. Massive relief. Then, alas, someone tries the

handle of the door. BEAN speeds up. A knock. He peers out the

keyhole. There are now 4 people waiting. BEAN is very worried.

CUT TO:

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INT.-GRIERSON GALLERY. OUTSIDE MEN'S ROOM - DAY

Pause. Then out comes BEAN, drying his empty hands, miming, "Sorry,

Sorry.". We see into the toilet. nothing there. No sign of the

painting. BEAN turns sharply left.

CUT TO:

EXT. GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY

DAVID is talking to BERNIE in the grounds. We can see the side of the

whole gallery in shot as they talk.

BERNIE:

I was hoping DU. Bean might take a look at my computer project today.

DAVID:

Yes. I'11 mention it to him. But ... he's kind of his own guy, you

know?

BERNIE:

Howls he getting on with the family?

DAVID:

Ah. Fine. It's good. It's great.

We will be slightly distracted by the observation that Whistler's

Mother, America's most valuable painting, is at this moment balanced on

a very thin ledge three floors up - where Bean has put in, outside the

Men's room window. A bird and then a couple more birds perch on it.

BERNIE:

And howls Alison?

DAVID:

She's ... well, she's good.

BERNIE:

Saw her at the movies the other night with that boss of hers. Nice

guy. Good looking.

DAVID:

Yes, isn't he.

BERNIE:

It's great when people who work together can become real friends.

DAVID:

Isn't it?

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BERNIE:

I like to think that's what's happened with you and me ... even though

you're kinda my boss. Still maybe it won't always be that way, huh?

DAVID doesn't quite see what BERNIE is getting at but smiles politely.

Now we see BEAN's plan - he has emerged at a nearby window. He can't

reach the painting at first. So he stretches further and further out

the window. No good. Finally he has to go out on the ledge. He shoos

away the birds, who then decide to settle on him instead. Finally he

gets a hand on the painting. As he does so, he loses hold. He just

manages to grabs a window before he falls.

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