Bean Page #14

DAVID:

Look, I've left Bean on his own. Nice to chat though Bernie - always a

subtle joy.

BERNIE:

Thanks, David. Always a pleasure.

Period.

BEAN is slowly managing to claw his way back towards the open window

with the painting. It is an extraordinary piece of acrobatics. DAVID

turns to go.

BERNIE:

By the way. Don't know what you think, Mr Vice President, but I've

been hinting to the old man that someone's got to have the balls to

take some sort of emergency measures around here - or we're all in the

crap house. What do you think?

DAVID:

'Emergency measures, in your book means sack people right?

BERNIE:

Not necessarily. That's where this ... ( POINTS TO HIS BRAIN ) comes

in. No, I've had a better idea than sacking people. You'll hear soon

enough.

BERNIE grins and walks away. Bean does one final swing, and ....

CUT TO:

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INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. STOREROOM - DAY.

A small storeroom where Bean's wriggling bottom is just coming back

through the window. He has the picture and is safe.

He sets the picture down on a table. Darn! The birds have done their

business on it.

He maniacally rummages through various dusty cans and bottles on a

shelf. He chooses a can, too rusty to read its label, takes off the

lid and sniffs. This smells like the right sort of stuff. He pours

the liquid on to a rag and rubs it on the face of Mrs. Whistler. The

solvent effortlessly removes the ink stain. Whistler's Mother looks as

good as new.

BEAN is so, so, relieved. But then he notices something else

happening. The liquid did not stop with removing the stain. It is now

busy removing Whistler's Mother's face entirely. As Bean watches-in

frozen horror, America's most famous painting turns back to a blank

canvas.

BEAN thinks for a second - and then has a desperate thought. Removing

the pen that started all the trouble, he decides to try to draw back on

Whistler's Mother's 'face. He doesn't have much time. It shows.

Where once was a sublime oil painting, is now a biro line-drawing which

looks a little like Danny de Vito.

Bean lifts it against the wall to check how it's worked.

Unfortunately, there's a nail there. The picture tears, Bean panics -

it tears even more. Total destruction.

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. CORRIDOR - DAY.

BEAN Hurries down the corridor with his pseudo-trolley again, and a

vaguely mad look on his face. He spots ANNIE at a drinks machine. She

smiles sweetly (here comes her man) BEAN takes a sharp left into an

adjacent corridor. ANNIE is hurt.

ANNIE:

True love can be very hard.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. THE WRONG ROOM - DAY

Close on the double doors (identical to those of the Whistler Room)

BEAN enters with the Painting, under the

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cloth. He closes the doors and rests a moment to catch his breath. He

takes a step into the room and freezes.

The very fat 'Diet Club, people are seated at easels, paint brushes

poised. The very THIN WOMAN is standing in the centre of the room in

her underwear with a Greek urn perched on her shoulder. All eyes are

on BEAN, who exits very quickly.

CUT TO:

INT. INNER SANCTUM. WHISTLER ROOM DAY.

BEAN gets back to the right rooms and closes the door desperately

behind him.

He stands frozen for a second - and at that moment, a hand tries the

door. BEAN leaps at it and stops. the handle turning. Then there's a

knock. BEAN moves the big table in front of the door - he's

barricading himself in. There's a famous Rodin sculpture in there - he

shoves it along to block, the door as well. When he's succeeded, he

leans hot and sweaty against it - and a door on the other side of the

room calmly opens and .... DAVID walks in.

DAVID:

Seems to be a problem with the door.(PAUSE) Where's the picture gone?

BEAN:

Ahm.....

DAVID:

What? What?

Pause. Pause. BEAN finally shows it. Not a pretty sight.

DAVID:

Oh Jesus. Oh God. Oh Jesus God. Oh Mary Mother of Jesus. Oh Jesus of

Nazareth.

BEAN:

oh dear.

DAVID:

What happened?!!!

BEAN:

Ahm.... (setting himself up for an interesting, comprehensive answer).

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DAVID:

Don't bother (panicking) Oh my god.....

He rushes to the door he just came in - and locks it.

Wait a minute - why am I worrying about this? I did it. I just go out

and tell them what happened - you're a madman from England and you did

this terrible thing and it's not my fault. That's right, isn't it?

BEAN nods, knowing he deserves his doom.

Perfect - and then they say - who left him alone with the picture?" And

I say - "me". And they say "you're fired". And I say ' right'. And

so I get fired and you go to jail and no one's any happier.

BEAN shakes his head.

And then they say, "firing David isn't enough - let's prosecute him for

negligence. And they prosecute me and it turns out I was negligent and

I go to jail, and my wife leaves me and my daughter becomes a

prostitute and I end up on Death Row sharing a cell with Butch McDick,

the infamous gay rapist - or worse, I end up in the same cell as you!

BEAN looks hurt.

No, no...Now, let's just be calm let's think about this calmly. (he

tries - and fails ... ) Oh Godigodigod! Okay, now wait. Let's have

another look at it.

BEAN shows it to him.

Jesus!!! I'm already thinking back to 5 minutes ago as paradise. 5

minutes ago - just walking along, shooting the breeze with my old pal

Bernie.

BEAN then he has a brilliant idea. He hangs the painting back up in

the security cupboard and closes the doors. Then he removes from his

pocket a small note book.

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He scribbles something on it, tears the page out, licks it and sticks

it on the cupboard door. It reads 'OUT OF ORDER'.

DAVID:

Brilliant. Brilliant. Problem solved!

BEAN is delighted.

Apart from the tiny drawback that the first person who opens the

cupboard will say -"Look, someone's totally destroyed Whistler's

Mother- let's kill them".

BEAN is less delighted.

No - the most important thing is tbat no-one sees it.

Ever again!

He locks the cupboard with his plastic card key-

That's the first thing. Then ... that's the first thing.... Next ...

next is the next thing which is... obviously... ritual suicide. Look,

let's get out of here. Try to act natural.

The let themselves out and go into the corridor- BEAN acting his

version of 'natural' - very liquid.

CUT TO:

INT. CORRIDOR. DAY-

They bump straight into GRIERSON and ELMER.

GRIERSON:

Ah, David. Showing Dr. Bean our good lady?

BEAN:

Actually I'm not a...

DAVID:

That's right - Whistler's Mother. Looking at his mother - not his

father - not interested in his father, Couldn't give a flying doughnut

for his sisters or brothers - just his mother. Yes.

GRIERSON:

Well, good - think I may go and look at her myself...

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