Bean Page #15

67

DAVID:

No!

GRIERSON:

Er ... pray tell me why?

ELMER:

Because they've just cut her into tiny pieces, sir. That's why.

BEAN and DAVID die and go to hell until ELMER laughs at his own little

joke. GRIERSON laughs too.

ELMER:

I better continue my rounds, sir..

He strolls away.

DAVID:

The thing is, sir, I've just been giving the painting a very thorough

inspection, with the help of Dr Bean here - and we feel the time's come

for Whistler's Mum to have her first face-lift.

GRIERSON:

Time taken its toll on the old girl, eh?

DAVID:

Exactly. She's in a surprisingly terrible state. Isn't she, Bean?

BEAN:

Oh yes.

DAVID:

Whistler was a great painter, but he wasn't a great chooser of paints

....

BEAN hudders at the thought of his paint-choosing.

The colours are beginning to fade. However ~ if you give me just one

little year I can restore the picture to its original glory, the way it

looked when Whistler's Mom first looked at it and said.... 0 Actually

I'm not sure you've got the hair right, darling." By the way, your hair

is looking great today, sir.

68

GRIERSON:

Thank you David. However, flattery will get you nowhere. Truth is, I

have a rather different plan for Whistler's dear Mama. Bernie and I

have been inspecting our books - and the long and short of it is, we

cannot survive with our current losses, so ...

DAVID:

... you have to sack me. I understand, sir. I'll go quietly. In fact

I'll go right now.

GRIERSON:

No. no, no, hold on ... We cant sustain our loses - so I've decided..

to sell Whistler's Mother.

DAVID lets out a little yelp.

GRIERSON:

Brilliant, huh? I already have a prospective buyer - the current

Governor of California, no less, who is flies in tomorrow to inspect

her and clinch the deal. Spread the news. I think decisive leadership

has done the trick, don't you?

DAVID:

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Congratulations. Marvellous thing. Bravo.

GRIERSON leaves. DAVID turns to BEAN.

DAVID:

Bean. Do you drink?

BEAN shakes his head.

DAVID:

Neither do I.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

It is very late and very gloomy. Just a couple of loners staring into

their drinks. The BARTENDER is up one end of the counter, smoking and

reading the sports pages. There is a T.V. on above the bar, showing

baseball.

69

BEAN and DAVID are sitting up at the bar. The latter has had far too

much whisky and looks the worse for it. BEAN has a tall glass packed

with fruit and paper umbrellas. We can guess how much he's had to

drink by the way he has difficulty finding the straw with his mouth.

DAVID almost, but not quite, slurs his words:

DAVID:

It's just a matter of acceptance, isn't it ... lose your job - lose you

wife ... C'est la vie. You ever been married, Bean?

He turns to BEAN who has the end of a straw up his nose.

DAVID:

I guess not.

He fills his glass from a bottle.

You know, I don't get it. The New Artist exhibition-this year - people

might not all have liked the dead sheep, but ... the place didn't look

that empty to me. It wasn't full but I saw people. I just don't

understand how the gallery can be so bankrupt they have to sell the

Whistler.

He looks at BEAN who now has peanuts in each nostril.

DAVID notices the BARTENDER looking at BEAN strangely ....

DAVID:

He's English, okay? You wanna make something of it?

BARTENDER goes back to reading. DAVID searches for his last train of

thought, taking a huge swig from his drink.

DAVID:

... To hell with the figures. I'm not a damn accountant. I'm an

artist. You know, me and Ali met in art school? I cut quite a figure

then. Far cry from the man you see before you now. Then, I smoked

Gitanes before I went to bed, to help me sort out the problems of the

world. Now, I take a spoonful of laxative before I go to bed to help

me sort out the problem with my bowels.

70

BEAN at that moment is keen to show DAVID his nut trick. He throws a

peanut high into the air - and catches it in his mouth. Then does two.

Then does it with his eyes closed. Actually, it's rather impressive.

DAVID:

Truth is, I disappointed her. I turned out to have no spine.

Spineless. A kind of medical miracle. Mr Flippy-Floppy. I just don't

seem to be able to fight - cant stick up for myself. Too nice. I

mean, I should never have let you come stay and I should be handing you

over to the police right now. Shall I tell you something, Beanie ...

Bean has been interested all this, even looking to check whether David

does indeed have no spine. But now the baseball on the TV is making it

hard for him to concentrate on-this important confidence. He raises a

finger, for DAVID to be quiet for a second. He blows a peanut from

his, nostril at the T.V. - it hits the button, and changes station to a

pleasant quiet-music station.

DAVID:

Do you want to know what the reality of the situation is?

BEAN nods his head, very curious, listening hard.

This is it. Because you moved into my house, my wife has left me. She

might have done it anyway - but you were the ten ton weight that broke

the camel's spinal column.

BEAN stares at DAVID - something is getting in he's actually

registering this.

That's point one. And point two - is that you've destroyed Whistler's

Mother, which was' the last hope for the place where I work. So within

a week, I'm going to lose my job as well.

BEAN nods, seriously dispirited.

71

DAVID:

So, you've totally and utterly destroyed my life. Do you understand?

You've put me in a position where it would have been better if I'd

never been born.

He puts his hand on BEAN'S shoulder. BEAN looks down.

Very sad. This is actually the first time in his life that he's

realised that his actions have really effected the life of another

person. BEAN looks up sadly. Sad music plays.

CUT TO:

INT. LEARY HOUSE. DAVID'S ROOM - NIGHT

DAVID is asleep in bed. The camera moves out into the hall and into

BEAN's room.

INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. BEAN'S ROOM- NIGHT.

BEAN is lying, fully dressed, in the darkness, on his back. Thinking.

Worried by what he's heard. Then suddenly an idea comes into his eyes.

The music is like his brain He jumps off the bed.

There follows a version of the classic tooling up for action sequence.

But the 'tools' here are distinctly bizarre. BEAN picks up his

suitcase, and in quick cuts, rushes through the house and collects....

DAVID'S PLASTIC KEY CARD

A PAIR OF Y-FRONTS

A TORCH.

SOME OF KEVIN'S CHEWING GUM. 6 EGGS

A COOKING BASIN:

A CUP:

A LARGE PAINT BRUSH

A BOTTLE OF CLEAR NAIL VARNISH DAVID'S LARGE TIN OF LAXATIVE. A HAIR

DRIER:

AN ACTION MAN DOLL

A POSTER OF THE GIRL AND HER BOTTOM WITH THE TENNIS BALL.

TWO OVEN GLOVES:

A SKATEBOARD:

AND 4 VOLUMES OF THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA.

Fully tooled, he snaps the suitcase shut.

CUT TO:

72

EXT. GALLERY. NIGHT.

The building is floodlit by ground spots.

BEAN arrives silently, with suitcase, on the skateboard. Soon his full

plan will be revealed. The Gallery is empty, apart from the one

Security Guard, BUCK, visible through the glass front of the building,

drinking coffee, watching his 12 security monitors. BEAN swallows at

the sight of BUCK - he is a massive gorilla of a man.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes