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Bean Page #15
- PG-13
- Year:
- 1997
- 89 min
- 859 Views
67
DAVID:
No!
GRIERSON:
Er ... pray tell me why?
ELMER:
Because they've just cut her into tiny pieces, sir. That's why.
BEAN and DAVID die and go to hell until ELMER laughs at his own little
ELMER:
I better continue my rounds, sir..
He strolls away.
DAVID:
The thing is, sir, I've just been giving the painting a very thorough
inspection, with the help of Dr Bean here - and we feel the time's come
for Whistler's Mum to have her first face-lift.
GRIERSON:
Time taken its toll on the old girl, eh?
DAVID:
Exactly. She's in a surprisingly terrible state. Isn't she, Bean?
BEAN:
Oh yes.
DAVID:
Whistler was a great painter, but he wasn't a great chooser of paints
....
BEAN hudders at the thought of his paint-choosing.
The colours are beginning to fade. However ~ if you give me just one
little year I can restore the picture to its original glory, the way it
looked when Whistler's Mom first looked at it and said.... 0 Actually
I'm not sure you've got the hair right, darling." By the way, your hair
68
GRIERSON:
Thank you David. However, flattery will get you nowhere. Truth is, I
have a rather different plan for Whistler's dear Mama. Bernie and I
have been inspecting our books - and the long and short of it is, we
cannot survive with our current losses, so ...
DAVID:
... you have to sack me. I understand, sir. I'll go quietly. In fact
I'll go right now.
GRIERSON:
No. no, no, hold on ... We cant sustain our loses - so I've decided..
to sell Whistler's Mother.
DAVID lets out a little yelp.
GRIERSON:
Brilliant, huh? I already have a prospective buyer - the current
Governor of California, no less, who is flies in tomorrow to inspect
her and clinch the deal. Spread the news. I think decisive leadership
has done the trick, don't you?
DAVID:
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Congratulations. Marvellous thing. Bravo.
GRIERSON leaves. DAVID turns to BEAN.
DAVID:
Bean. Do you drink?
BEAN shakes his head.
DAVID:
Neither do I.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
It is very late and very gloomy. Just a couple of loners staring into
their drinks. The BARTENDER is up one end of the counter, smoking and
reading the sports pages. There is a T.V. on above the bar, showing
baseball.
69
BEAN and DAVID are sitting up at the bar. The latter has had far too
much whisky and looks the worse for it. BEAN has a tall glass packed
with fruit and paper umbrellas. We can guess how much he's had to
drink by the way he has difficulty finding the straw with his mouth.
DAVID almost, but not quite, slurs his words:
DAVID:
It's just a matter of acceptance, isn't it ... lose your job - lose you
wife ... C'est la vie. You ever been married, Bean?
He turns to BEAN who has the end of a straw up his nose.
DAVID:
I guess not.
He fills his glass from a bottle.
You know, I don't get it. The New Artist exhibition-this year - people
might not all have liked the dead sheep, but ... the place didn't look
that empty to me. It wasn't full but I saw people. I just don't
understand how the gallery can be so bankrupt they have to sell the
Whistler.
He looks at BEAN who now has peanuts in each nostril.
DAVID notices the BARTENDER looking at BEAN strangely ....
DAVID:
He's English, okay? You wanna make something of it?
BARTENDER goes back to reading. DAVID searches for his last train of
thought, taking a huge swig from his drink.
DAVID:
... To hell with the figures. I'm not a damn accountant. I'm an
artist. You know, me and Ali met in art school? I cut quite a figure
then. Far cry from the man you see before you now. Then, I smoked
Gitanes before I went to bed, to help me sort out the problems of the
world. Now, I take a spoonful of laxative before I go to bed to help
me sort out the problem with my bowels.
70
BEAN at that moment is keen to show DAVID his nut trick. He throws a
peanut high into the air - and catches it in his mouth. Then does two.
Then does it with his eyes closed. Actually, it's rather impressive.
DAVID:
Truth is, I disappointed her. I turned out to have no spine.
Spineless. A kind of medical miracle. Mr Flippy-Floppy. I just don't
seem to be able to fight - cant stick up for myself. Too nice. I
mean, I should never have let you come stay and I should be handing you
over to the police right now. Shall I tell you something, Beanie ...
Bean has been interested all this, even looking to check whether David
does indeed have no spine. But now the baseball on the TV is making it
hard for him to concentrate on-this important confidence. He raises a
finger, for DAVID to be quiet for a second. He blows a peanut from
his, nostril at the T.V. - it hits the button, and changes station to a
pleasant quiet-music station.
DAVID:
Do you want to know what the reality of the situation is?
BEAN nods his head, very curious, listening hard.
This is it. Because you moved into my house, my wife has left me. She
might have done it anyway - but you were the ten ton weight that broke
the camel's spinal column.
BEAN stares at DAVID - something is getting in he's actually
registering this.
That's point one. And point two - is that you've destroyed Whistler's
Mother, which was' the last hope for the place where I work. So within
a week, I'm going to lose my job as well.
BEAN nods, seriously dispirited.
71
DAVID:
So, you've totally and utterly destroyed my life. Do you understand?
You've put me in a position where it would have been better if I'd
never been born.
He puts his hand on BEAN'S shoulder. BEAN looks down.
Very sad. This is actually the first time in his life that he's
realised that his actions have really effected the life of another
person. BEAN looks up sadly. Sad music plays.
CUT TO:
INT. LEARY HOUSE. DAVID'S ROOM - NIGHT
DAVID is asleep in bed. The camera moves out into the hall and into
BEAN's room.
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. BEAN'S ROOM- NIGHT.
BEAN is lying, fully dressed, in the darkness, on his back. Thinking.
Worried by what he's heard. Then suddenly an idea comes into his eyes.
The music is like his brain He jumps off the bed.
There follows a version of the classic tooling up for action sequence.
But the 'tools' here are distinctly bizarre. BEAN picks up his
suitcase, and in quick cuts, rushes through the house and collects....
A TORCH.
SOME OF KEVIN'S CHEWING GUM. 6 EGGS
A COOKING BASIN:
A CUP:
A BOTTLE OF CLEAR NAIL VARNISH DAVID'S LARGE TIN OF LAXATIVE. A HAIR
DRIER:
A POSTER OF THE GIRL AND HER BOTTOM WITH THE TENNIS BALL.
TWO OVEN GLOVES:
A SKATEBOARD:
AND 4 VOLUMES OF THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA.
Fully tooled, he snaps the suitcase shut.
CUT TO:
72
EXT. GALLERY. NIGHT.
The building is floodlit by ground spots.
BEAN arrives silently, with suitcase, on the skateboard. Soon his full
plan will be revealed. The Gallery is empty, apart from the one
Security Guard, BUCK, visible through the glass front of the building,
drinking coffee, watching his 12 security monitors. BEAN swallows at
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