Bean Page #16

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION - NIGHT.

BUCK is casually watching his screens, when suddenly, horror of horror,

the huge silhouette of a person hanging .themselves from a tree outside

appears, the shadow of the limp body thrown across the floodlit gallery

wall. BUCK frantically rushes out. And BEAN subtly slips in.

CUT TO:

EXT. GRIERSON GALLERY - NIGHT.

BUCK is looking for the body amongst the trees. He finds nothing.

Because he fails to notice the tiny ACTION MAN swinging gently in front

of one of the ground-level floodlights.

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON GALLERY - NIGHT'.

Inside, BEAN is casually pouring the entire contents of DAVID's large

laxative tin into BUCK's coffee. He also swaps two keys on the board

of keys by the desk. He then takes the opportunity to put the oven

gloves on his feet, one shaped like a pig, one like a crocodile, so he

can move silently.

BUCK returns. He sits down, and takes a long gulp of coffee. Pause.

BEAN watches. BUCK feels something uncomfortable in his stomach. He

takes a key from his rack of keys, and sets off and rounds a corner- On

a monitor screen, BEAN watches him break into a canter - as he passes

through another monitor BUCK is at full sprint. BEAN giggles.

BEAN is satisfied he'll be uninterrupted for a while. He goes to the

key-rack, borrows two keys, and sets off on his mission. The next 3

minutes of film are a sequence of cuts between three scenarios:

73

FIRST:
BUCK - his next 10 minutes are not happy ones. When he reaches

the toilet, the key he chose does not unlock it. He has to sprint

back, grab all the keys, and charge back again to the door. Then he

has to try out every single key. We never see him find the right one.

SECOND scenario - all the activities of the night shown on the security

monitors. BUCK sprinting desperately through shot - BEAN casually

going about his business and, on one occasion, BUCK running right past

BEAN, but not seeing him - he has other things on his mind.

THIRD scenario - we actually see BEAN's Big Plan.

He unlocks the merchandise shop. So he can see properly and have his

hands free, he puts the y-fronts on his head, and wedges the torch into

them, like a head-lamp. He then takes a poster of Whistler's Mother

and replaces it with the rolled-up Tennis Ball Girl. He unrolls the

Whistler and places the 4 encyclopaedias on its corners to hold it

down.

He separates the yokes from the eggs, mixes the whites with clear nail

varnish and varnishes the-poster with it. Dries it off with the hair

drier.

,With the now stiff poster, he heads up elevators and escalators to get

to the Whistler Room itself, all the time chewing gum frantically.

Once there, he unlocks the final cupboard with David's plastic key,

takes the Whistler down and removes the destroyed Mother from its

gilded frame, and its wooden support frame. He uses the chewed gum to

stick the new one down to the old frame.

He then puts the very convincing forgery back into the security

cupboard and relocks it with DAVID's key card.

The job is done. He scrunches up the old, torn picture, pops it in a

dustbin, and heads off.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET. NIGHT-

BEAN zipping along on the skate board with his suitcase.

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. UTILITY ROOM - NIGHT.

BUCK, trouserless, is sitting, reading a newspaper next to a noisy

washing machine.

CUT TO:

74

INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. BEAN'S ROOM. NIGHT. KITCHEN - DAY

BEAN lies back in bed with quiet satisfaction.

CUT TO:

INT. DAVID'S ROOM. MORNING.

DAVID wakes with a violent start.

DAVID:

0 my God. Tell it vas a dream.

The door swings open. It is Bean with a tray of coffee and toast.

BEAN:

Morning.

DAVID:

It wasn't a dream, was it. I have to go in to work and tell them

Whistler's Mother now looks like Danny De Vito.

BEAN:

Well, Ahm....

He laughs cheerily.

DAVID:

What?

CUT TO:

INT. DAVID'S CAR.

Bean is still chuckling.

CUT TO:

INT. GALLERY. CORRIDOR.

Still highly amused, BEAN guides DAVID in the direction of Whistler's

Room. David takes out his key to open the room - but the door swings

open. DAVID is shocked. There stands GRIERSON, looking straight at

Whistler's Mum. In all its untorn, unsmudged, undestroyed glory.

75

GRIERSON:

I think you're wrong, David. She looks as fine as she's ever looked.

Worth every cent of the 10 million dollar-s.

DAVID:

Ahm....

GRIERSON:

Bravo. Let's put on a good show tomorrow, shall we? Don't want

anything to go wrong.

DAVID:

Quite right, sir.

Grierson leaves. David gets close to the painting and peers ....

DAVID:

Wait a minute.

BEAN just puts his finger to his mouth...

BEAN:

Ssshhhh.

He lets out a hug smile - he can solve the problems of the world, as

well as create them.

INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. HALL- SATURDAY

JENNIFER skips down t-he stairs, carrying a trendy duffel bag, just as

DAVID enters from the kitchen.

JENNIFER:

Bye, Dad.

DAVID:

Ah ... Jennifer, I need you to watch Kevin. Jen?

But JENNIFER has already reached the front door ....

JENNIFER:

Be serious, Dad. It's Saturday.

She exits.

CUT TO:

76

EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY

JENNIFER is heading down the path. DAVID runs out of the house and

catches up with her.

DAVID:

Jen, you have to help me here! I've got to go in to work, and with

your mom away ... I really need you.

A powerful motorbike turns into the drive at speed and skids round to

face the opposite direction. JENNIFER runs over to it. The bike's

rider turns off his engine and removes his helmet. It is STINGO, the

white Rasta from the airport, with the hair extensions and the sixty

rings in his nose.

STINGO:

(to DAVID)

You.

He hands JENNIFER a helmet.

JENNIFER:

Don't worry, Dad. I'll be home. Monday, after school.

BEAN and KEVIN arrive at DAVID's side to spectre.

KEVIN:

Hey, En, nice bike'- but remember: any kids you have are gonna look

just like its handsome driver.

DAVID:

(angry now)

Jennifer! This is not - repeat, not! how we do things in this family.

I've told you never to get on one of those death traps! Please - talk

to me. I promise to be reasonable.

JENNIFER has put on the helmet and is climbing onto the back of the

bike.

JENNIFER:

Great, Dad. You promised you'd get rid of him! (points at Bean) And as

for:
"how we do things in this family. We don't have a family till you

get Mom back.

77

She slaps STINGO on the shoulder. STINGO kicks the starter lever.

Nothing. Again. Nothing ...

JENNIFER:

Come on Sting!

KEVIN:

Sting?! Sounds like something you put on a rash.

STINGO is still kicking the starter. DAVID is desperate.

DAVID:

Don't just stand there, Bean - do something.

BEAN instantly takes on the hero's mantle and runs to the bike. DAVID

is not far behind him. STINGO is still trying to kick start it. BEAN

takes out a small screwdriver and twiddles with something on the

engine.

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