Bean Page #17

The bike sparks into life and does a wheelie before speeding out of the

drive and down the road. BEAN stands, hands on hips, looking very-

pleased with himself indeed.

DAVID:

To BEAN ) Right! Right! You get inside and look after Kevin! (not

such a good idea) Uh --- Right! Kevin. You get inside and look after

... uh... (that would be a worse idea) Right! Get in the car! Both of

you. Jesus!

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION AREA - DAY

DAVID, BEAN and KEVIN at the reception desk.

ANNIE:

So, Kevin. How's it going?

KEVIN:

Badly. You wanna adopt me?

ANNIE smiles cutely at BEAN. DAVID is still rattled.

ANNIE:

Big day today, huh?

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DAVID:

Uh ... yes ...

DAVID looks askance at BEAN. BERNIE hurries up and takes DAVID to one

side.

BERNIE:

Great day. At last we can start getting out of debt and concentrating

on the future.

DAVID:

Yes, look, I wanted to talk to you about this. I'm sure we haven't

been doing as badly as all that.

BERNIE:

You're an innocent and an optimist David - that's why I love you. (he

hugs him and laughs). Jesus - what a terrible tie- Come on, the

Governor's coming at 3. And before then I have a little surprise for

you and the Boss.

DAVID calls to ANNIE.

DAVID:

Annie ... would you look after Kevin? And Kevin - you look after Bean.

He heads off with BERNIE. Back at the counter. BEAN, KEVIN & ANNIE.

KEVIN:

My Dad told me all about you.

ANNIE:

Did he now?

KEVIN:

He says you've got a babe count of ten out of ten, and a brain cell

count of about two and a half.

ANNIE:

Yeah, I'll go with that. I'm kinda, like, dumb, intellectually. (to

Bean) But I'm great in bed.

BEAN is unsettled by this. He gives a shudder and heads for the

gallery.

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KEVIN:

Catch you later, babe.(goes after Bean) Come on, Beanie - there must be

a computer here somewhere. I hate paintings. They don't do anything.

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON'S OFFICE. DAY.

BERNIE, DAVID and GRIERSON. BERNIE looks very confident at a computer

monitor. A painting is in fact 'doing' something, on the computer

screen, as the girls in a Toulouse-Lautrec painting actually dance the

can-can.

GRIERSON:

Well, congratulations. Isn't that great, David?

DAVID:

Certainly is.

BERNIE:

We'll be able to start this afternoon. I'11 pipe the guide to every

video screen in the gallery. Now, that'll impress the Governor.

GRIERSON:

Well, bravo! What with you and Whistler's Ma - I think I've got a

winning team.

DAVID slightly embarrassed not to be included in the winning team. He

looks to the poster of Whistler's Mother behind GRIERSON's desk.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. BERNIE'S ROOM - DAY

KEVIN and BEAN have found a computer, also showing BERNIE's Gallery

programme. The monitor shows the interior of the ground floor of the

gallery. KEVIN clicks, and up comes the same Toulouse Lautrec picture.

As KEVIN works the mouse, BEAN hums the catchy tune from 'GOBLINS 21.

It's play time again.

KEVIN:

This is way cool, Beanie.

He clicks again, and a tiny talking Toulouse Lautrec starts to explain

the provenance of the painting.

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CUT TO:

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. THE WHISTLER ROOM. DAY

DAVID is overseeing things. There's a burgundy rope, keeping people a

bit away from the case in which Whistler's Mother is contained. ELMER

brings in two large flower displays. BERNIE enters.

BERNIE:

Jesus! Hurry up you guys. Am I the only person round here who

actually gets things done.

He exits. BERNIE is growing in confidence - and getting nastier by the

minute. DAVID pulls a face at ELMER.

DAVID:

You arrange those flowers yourself?

ELMER:

Sure did.

DAVID:

They're pretty. Learn it in the army?

ELMER:

No - but when you've torn out a man's throat with your bare hands, you

learn to appreciate the beautiful things in life.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY

The final touches in the preparation for the big visit to up-tempo,

"we're getting ready" music.

1.Gardeners gardening, window cleaners cleaning, polishers

polishing etc. And someone empties a dustbin, in the midst of which we

glimpse something which might be a scrunched up old Whistler painting.

2.BERNIE watches as someone plugs in a plug - and a huge video

screen in the gallery flickers and starts up.

3.ANNIE at her counter, reading a book called 'The Art of

Conversational. She shakes an imaginary hand and rehearses a keen

conversation with an imaginary V.I.P.

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4.ELMER, in the men's room mirror, trims his hair around his peaked

hat with scissors. He has a row of war medals on his chest. He

polishes them proudly with his sleeve.

5.GRIERSON watches through the front glass - a red carpet rolls

itself out from the gallery's main entrance to stop by the rear door of

a black car.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY

Close on the bottom of the black cars rear door. It opens and a pair

of legs, wearing black shoes and charcoal trousers, step out onto the

red carpet. As they walk purposely up the carpet, the camera pans up

their owner's body, to reveal that this is BERNIE. It's a rehearsal.

He is met with a hand shake by GRIERSON at the main entrance.

GRIERSON:

What a pleasure, Governor Reynolds. I'd like you to meet some of our

staff here. (checks a prompt card).

BERNIE:

And that's where you introduce me to the Governor.

GRIERSON:

Right. Got it.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Gallery staff wait, all wearing name badges. GRIERSON leads BERNIE to

the reception counter. ANNIE steps out from behind it and shakes

BERNIE's hand.

ANNIE:

Good day, Governor Reynolds. I'm Annie ...

BERNIE:

Curtsy.

ANNIE:

Curtsy? Are you kidding? This is 1990s America. Women don't curtsy,

they run the damn country!

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GRIERSON:

Alex, please!

ANNIE:

That's Annie, sir.

GRIERSON takes BERNIE on to ELMER who is next in line.

GRIERSON:

This is Elmer, our longest serving...

BERNIE:

Hey. Let's junk the medals, Elmer. This is not a Veterans' reunion.

We wanna make the Governor feel at home. Not remind him of piles of

dead people wearing uniforms.

ELMER puts on a defiant face. DAVID shakes his head disapprovingly.

GRIERSON moves BERNIE to meet DAVID. They

'Shake hands.

DAVID:

David Leary. I'd like to echo my colleagues welcome to you and thank

you for your patronage ...

BERNIE rudely cuts him off.

BERNIE:

Okay, that'll do. The Governor's here in half an hour. We have to be

totally ready then. No excuses. Period!

GRIERSON:

Thank you Bernie. Well done. Now, If you'll excuse - I have a little

smartening up to do myself.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. BERNIE'S OFFICE - DAY

BEAN at the computer. He's actually quite enjoying himself now. In

fact, he's rather hogging the thing. This is, after all, an animated

catalogue - his area.

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