Bean Page #8

ALISON:

What is it? Jennifer!

JENNIFER:

(0.O.V.)

... There's a man ... there's a man ... there's a man in my...

DAVID:

Honey, calm down now... it's okay...

JENNIFER:

(p.o.v.)

There's a man. I woke up next to a man ...

KEVIN:

It wouldn't be the first time.

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ALISON:

Shut up, Kevin. (to Jennifer) Honey, you-re not making sense ...

DAVID:

It's okay. There's no one out here. Just open the door. Trust me.

Pause ... then a click of the bathroom lock ... Jennifer comes out.

Then there's another click. BEAN breezes out of Jennifer's bedroom,

past the family, in his pyjamas, carrying a wash bag and a towel over

his arm. He waves to them friendly, slips into the bathroom and closes

the door. The family stare in amazement.

CUT TO:

INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. KITCHEN - DAY

The family, now dressed for work and school, are having breakfast at

the kitchen table. After an uncomfortable silence:

KEVIN:

He makes Prince Charles look kind of handsome.

ALISON:

He can't stay here, David.

DAVID:

Okay. It's not a problem... Let's just sit ... I'11 talk to the

gallery ...

ALISON:

David, I'm serious!

DAVID:

I know you are. Very serious ... most of the time these days.

ALISON:

Now what does that mean? My daughter wakes up with a strange man in

her bed, and I'm supposed to think it's amusing? (looks at his tie)

That tie's God-awful. Why do you wear it?

DAVID is thrown. He looks down at his tie. JENNIFER looks grumpy.

KEVIN is eating happily.

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BEAN enters, dressed, carrying a plastic carrier bag. He acknowledges

the family with a grunt and a smile.

DAVID:

Ah, Mr Bean ...

BEAN:

Excuse me.

He moves to the phone, checks his watch and dials quickly.

CUT TO:

INT. BEAN'S BED-SIT - ENGLAND - NIGHT

The ancient G.P.O. phone starts to ring on a small table. (The

following takes place in a matter of seconds).

On the table are two, large, shiny, hard backed books, wedged up at one

end and sloping away at right angles to one another. Each book has a

pair of rulers set, parallel to one another, in Play-Doh. They each

form a canal. Between one pair of rulers sits a small box of salt.

Between the other pair is a miniature bust of BEETHOVEN. As the phone

continues to ring and vibrate the table, these items judder along the

canal, an inch at a time.

The box of salt teaches the bottom of the book and topples over the

edge of the table. ( The BEETHOVEN bust' teeters on the edge of its

book). The salt lands in a plastic funnel, taped to the top of a

bamboo stick. The bottom of the stick sits on the BBC 2 button of a

T.V. remote control. Close-up of its infrared L.E.D. as it flashes

once. The phone stops ringing.

CUT TO:
the T.V. comes on at the start of a documentary about grizzly

bears. A voice-over begins a narration.

CUT TO:
close on TEDDY sitting in his cardboard box hotel. Flickering

light from the T.V. plays on his face.

CUT TO:

INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. KITCHEN - DAY

Bean hangs up happily, then approaches the toaster, stuffs a pair of

wet socks into it and pulls down the start lever. Satisfied, he now

turns to the family.

BEAN:

Now - can I help?

They just stare, dumb-founded.

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CUT TO:

EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY

DAVID and BEAN arrive at the car and get in. DAVID heads out of the

drive at a reasonable speed.

BEAN suddenly yanks on the hand-brake. DAVID's head hits the

windshield with a sickening thud. BEAN reaches for and fastens his

seat belt. He looks to DAVID. DAVID gives BEAN a pained look. What

planet does he come from? He fastens his own seat belt while BEAN

wonders why it's all taking so long.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. CAR PARKING - DAY

It's a rather fancy building. Like a little Guggenheim DAVID parks by

a large, expensive, looking car. BEAN opens his door and it bangs-hard

against the pristine body work.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION AREA - DAY

As BEAN and DAVID enter through the swing doors they meet ANNIE, the

very bubbly girl in charge of entrance tickets at the reception cum

shop counter.

ANNIE:

Two dollars please.

DAVID:

Annie, it's me.

ANNIE:

Oh, right, yeah. (to Bean) two dollars please.

DAVID:

No, Annie, no. This is Doctor Bean. He's going to be working with us.

BEAN frowns. That word 'doctor'.

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ANNIE:

Oh, great. Usually we charge people two dollars to come in- but for

people who work here, that would be 730 dollars a year, which is like,

a lot of money, so we kinda like let them off. Hi.

BEAN smiles at her.

ANNIE:

He doesn't like to say much does he?

DAVID:

Right first time.

ANNIE:

I can understand THAT. Neither do I.

As BEAN and DAVID move on, BEAN gives ANNIE a 1ittle wave. She waves

sweetly back. She c*cks her head to one side and watches him go. She

likes Mr. BEAN a lot.

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. GROUND FLOOR- DAY

BEAN and DAVID arrive In the ground floor gallery. A few visitors are

viewing the paintings. The acknowledge ELMER, the huge, ex-army,

Security Man, sitting on a small chair by a wall, reading a newspaper.

The pass two oldish ladies inspecting a painting

DAVID:

You'll notice, our clientele is not totally young. I sometimes worry

they're not really getting to grips with the art on a deep aesthetic

level.

Stay with the ladies as DAVID and BEAN head on.

OLD LADY 1

What do you think?

OLD LADY 2

0h yes - lovely - very nice.

OLD LADY 1

And what colour would you use for the curtains?

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OLD LADY 2

Well, I thought the sort of blue in this one. (she points to a gorgeous

blue Matisse) And I thought the curtains in the bathroom would be nice

in this yellow ....

And-they head on to a Van Gogh with a nice yellow in it.

BEAN stops to admire a painting. It is Pre-Raphaelite in style,

depicting a woman reclined on a bed in a castle chamber. She is

wearing a chastity belt fastened with a small padlock, her breasts are

concealed under a draped flag. It is a tasteful and romantic picture.

DAVID:

Beautiful. 'HIS MISTRESS' by John Everett Millais, 1829 to 96. Know

it?

BEAN shakes his head. It's the padlock he's interested in he points at

it and smiles. ANNIE walks up.

ANNIE:

Excuse me. Mr Grierson called down. He's ready to see you upstairs.

DAVID:

Thanks, Annie.

ANNIE walks off back the way she came, looking at BEAN approvingly over

her shoulder.

DAVID:

Better go. Grierson hates people being late.

BEAN:

Yes. Ahm... think I'11 ...

He gestures that held like to tidy up a little. Brush his hair, etc.

BEAN waddles off after ANNIE clearly in need of relief. DAVID watches

him go.

DAVID:

Why me?

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. CORRIDOR - DAY.

BEAN is catching up with ANNIE. She notices him following and coyly

smiles to herself. She stops, turns round and grins. She thinks he

has come to say something to her.

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BEAN stops dead in front of her - then turns sharp left into the men's

washroom. ANNIE's smile fades.

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