Bean Page #9

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. WASH ROOM - DAY

BEAN comes out of a booth. He tidies his hair and tie in a mirror. He

pushes down the pressurised tap to wash his hands. It splashes

terribly. The whole front of his trousers are soaked. The last thing

you want when about to meet your new boss. Damn!

There now follow a quick, complicated piece of business.

1/ BEAN spots a paper-towel dispenser. He turns towards it at just the

moment a man exits from a booth - BEAN turns back to the sink to hide

his trousers, as the man swiftly does his hands, goes to the paper

dispenser, and takes the last towel. Damn again.

2/ BEAN now puts his hope in a rolling towel. But it's rather high.

He has to jump to try to reach the trouser. At which point Another Man

enters. Jumping BEAN has been caught in a very weird position. He

pretends he has .chosen the Men's Room as the place to do his rather

energetic exercise routine.

3/ As the man leaves, he then tries to blow the patch dry with his

mouth. Another Man enters. Again, BEAN is 1 compromised - pretends

it's even more exercises. That man also enters a booth.

4/ BEAN suddenly notices the hand drying machine! He turns it on. A

healthy blast of warm air. Annoyingly, it's also rather too high. He

tries jumping and bouncing to get his waist to the right height. It's

not going to work. Brainwave! He climbs up on two sinks. Now the

drier is blowing in exactly the right place. BEAN sways to let the air

cover the whole area. It's working excellently.

5/ At which moment, one of the men exits from a booth and sees him in

the mirror. BEAN is in an immensely compromising sex-with-machine

position. He pretends he's there to change the light bulb above, which

he takes out calmly and polishes. The man leaves, BEAN smiles. But as

he exits, BEAN's face transforms - he's totally scalded his fingers on

the scorching bulb.

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6/ BEAN rushes to the sink, puts his fingers under the tap, pushes on

the water - and soaks himself all over again. At which moment, DAVID

enters, exasperated.

DAVID:

Come on! Let's go!

BEAN exits uneasily hunched to hide his wet patch. They enter the

corridor, and he spots a newspaper.

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON'S OFFICE - DAY

BEAN and DAVID enter. It's a warm, formal. office. On the wall behind

the desk is a full-size, framed poster of Whistler's Mother. On a

white background, at the base of the poster, a caption reads: 'THE

GRIERSON GALLERY, HOME OF WHISTLER'S MOTHER'. Elsewhere, the walls are

full of paintings.

GRIERSON and BERNIE look up from a computer screen at DAVID and BEAN,

who is, rather weirdly, carrying a newspaper in fronts of his flies.

GRIERSON approaches David, and shakes his hand.

GRIERSON:

Ah, David. Finally. (CHECKS HIS WATCH DELIBERATELY ) And this must be

our professor from across the sea.

DAVID:

Yes, this is Doctor Bean.

BEAN:

Actually I'm not .... er ...

GRIERSON:

This is Bernard Schimmel. Bernie the Doctor.

BERNIE offers his hand. BEAN has to do a nifty handchange to free up

the correct hand for the handshake. The newspaper stays firmly in

place.

THOMAS GRIERSON:

Ah ~ the Tribune - mind if I just ....

He reaches out to borrow the newspaper. BEAN has to squeeze in right

next to the desk and sit behind it, before he can hand the paper over

thus ensuring the continued invisibility of the wet patch. GRIERSON

studies the paper for a second.

GRIERSON:

Take a seat, gentlemen..... although before we settle - feast your eyes

on these.

GRIERSON goes to a painting on a wall. DAVID and BEAN follow ~ BEAN

about one inch from DAVID's back, walking in perfect rhythm.

GRIERSON:

Arthur Rackham. Originals of course. Got four of them. Check this

out ... Venus and the Cat, Aesop's Fables. Isn't that something?

He heads towards said illustration on adjacent wall - and BEAN and

DAVID follow, still totally glued together. A strange sight.

DAVID.

They're beautiful, sir.

GRIERSON:

Maybe. Hell of a price, I'11 tell you. Anyway - down to business.

They head back to the desk - but Bean, in a momentary lapse of

concentration fails to follow. He's now stuck on the wrong side of the

room, unable to turn around.

GRIERSON:

Bernie was just showing me his new ideas for a cross-gallery computer

system. Dr Bean - would you like to look at this? Very exciting stuff

....

BEAN:

Ahm ... NO.

GRIERSON is slightly surprised. But they persevere.

BERNIE:

What I'm doing, Dave, is developing the ultimate user-friendly,'

interactive public guide to the gallery.

Punching buttons on the computer, he reveals wonderful maps of the

gallery, and when clicking on sections of the map, graphic explanations

of each rooms contents.

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Meanwhile. Bean has spotted a fan on the other side of the room. He

moves around the room, always facing straight to the wall. When he

reaches the fan, he switches it on: unfortunately it's a rotating fan -

so to keep the wind on his trousers, BEAN has to do a strange, rhythmic

dancing movement, following the arc of the fan.

DAVID:

It's very good Bernie.

BERNIE:

But the particular glory of the system... is that it can also work oh

large screens in each individual room - so we can network the program

to every room in the gallery.

GRIERSON:

Not bad, eh? What do you think, Doctor? Ah.... Doctor Bean?

BEAN turns, shocked to have been observed. He looks down at his

trousers and, HOORAY!, they're dry at last. He's delighted, and moves

back across the road towards them, hands in pockets, in a big,

confident, groin-thrusting, dry-trouser boasting walk.

GRIERSON:

Well, thanks for dropping by. Enjoy your stay with our Vice President

and his family. They're simple people.-.but warm, yes, Doctor?

BEAN:

I'm not actually... um...

GRIERSON:

... Settled in yet. I know. Plenty of time. Bernie, perhaps you'd

like to take Dr. Bean on a tour of the gallery.

BERNIE:

Absolutely. This way, sir.

BEAN displays his crotch proudly one last time before he and BERNIE

exit. GRIERSON tries to fathom the strange man who just left.

GRIERSON:

He's a genius, right?

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DAVID:

Ah... He certainly has something, sir.

GRIERSON:

Very pleased you've taken him in, David. At a time when no-one's job

is safe, it really identifies you as a team player.

DAVID:

Yes, although, I really..... thank you. Yes, it's great to have him

with us. The whole family's very excited.

GRIERSON:

Glad to hear it. Tell poor Mr Larson to come through, will you?

DAVID:

You're not going to ....

GRIERSON:

Sack him? David, what else can I do? This business is not, repeat,

not breaking even. And David ... notice anything this morning?

DAVID frowns then sees.

DAVID:

You've tinted your hair? It takes years off you, sir.

GRIERSON beams.

MIX THROUGH TO:

INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION AREA - DAY

End of the day.. ANNIE perks up at the reception desk as DAVID, but

especially BEAN, approaches from the gallery area. She has a pile of

tissues near-by and draws a heart on one of them. She arranges it on

the counter-top where BEAN could not fail to see it on his way to the

exit.

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