Bean Page #10

DAVID:

Goodnight Annie.

ANNIE:

Night.

BEAN does not even notice her. As DAVID heads for the exit, BEAN

suddenly sneezes.

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He reaches for ANNIE's love message and blows his nose on it. He drops

the tissue in a bin as he exits.

ANNIE sighs her disappointment.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. BY PARKING LOT - DAY

(About 5 p.m.) BEAN and DAVID head for the parking lot. On the way,

BEAN's interest is drawn to the MIME ARTIST we met before in his

Clinton mask, performing his heart out in front of the Dead Cars

sculpture. BEAN lingers.

The MIME accosts a woman, pretending to brush dust from her clothes,

comb her hair etc. The MIME is a bit of a pain in the ass really. The

woman quickly moves on.

BEAN is intrigued. The MIME mimes climbing a ladder. BEAN goes up

next to him - and looks up. There's nothing there. He decides the

MIME is a bit of a tricky. This is confirmed when the MIME pretends

he's locked behind a pane of glass. BEAN simply pokes his finger

through the imaginary glass wall, and hits the MIME's nose.

CUT TO:
DAVID watching bemusedly some way off.

The MIME is however delighted someone is taking an interest at last.

He takes a handkerchief from BEAN's pocket, and gets BEAN to guess

which hand the hanky's in. It's not in the left. Not in the right.

BEAN isn't the slightest bit impressed - he just reaches round and

takes the hank-y from where it's tucked into the MIME's trousers - and

heads away. As he moves off, the MIME touches h' on the shoulder.

BEAN turns and the MIME starts a mocking gun duel. He draws his guns.

BEAN is pretty unimpressed.

The MIME turns his back and walks the 10 paces to draw. 4 He turns ....

But now BEAN decides to settles it once and for all. In a brilliant

piece of big mime, he puts together the biggest gun ever seen outside

an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. He sets up a pedestal - opens a case ~

lifts out a hugely heavy gun - then the 7 bits that click on that gun.

Then opens another case, and takes out the huge artillery shell to load

it.

The MIME is getting very frightened. Then BEAN pulls up an imaginary

stool to sit behind his mega-Gatling Gun. The MIME begins to run away.

BEAN twirls in his imaginary seat, and lines up his sights, following

the terrified MIME.

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Finally, in a BOOM that almost knocks BEAN out of his imaginary seat,

he fires. 10 seconds delay, and the MIME falls in a very dramatic

death, 50 yards away.

BEAN is happy - and heads back to the parking lot where DAVID, arms

folded, leans against his car. DAVID gets into his car. BEAN opens

the passenger door and thumps it loudly into the side of the expensive

car next-door (same as this morning).

CUT TO:

EXT. SHOPPING MALL. PARKING LOT - DAY

DAVID parks next to a beaten up convertible.

DAVID:

Okay. I'll get some steaks. Alison loves steak ... Wine - good.

Candy? No candy. Alison hates candy. We gotta do this right, Bean,

or ... (looks at Bean) Just stay out of trouble, okay?

BEAN nods. DAVID gets out and heads for the mall. Nearby woman tramp

(BAG LADY) goes through a trash can.

BEAN tries to control himself but weakens. He plays with all the

buttons and switches on the dashboard; windshield wipers, lights. Then

he notices a throbbing noise ... He gets out of the car to investigate.

BEAN swiftly locates the throbbing sound. The e-empty convertible has

its engine running. BEAN notices the keys in the ignition. How stupid

of someone. He turns off the engine and takes out the keys. There are

several people returning to their cars with groceries. BEAN offers the

car keys to them as if to say: "Are these yours?"

[The following should take place at quite a speed, real drama.]

Then suddenly, A ROBBER dashes towards BEAN from the direction ' of the

Mall, weaving in and out of parked cars, with a small white carrier

bag, assumedly full of money. He wears jeans, a black polo-neck and,

much to BEAN's delight, a PRESIDENT CLINTON face-mask. As far as

BEAN's concerned, this is his old friend, the MIME.

ROBBER throws the bag of money on to the back seat of the convertible

and gets in - but he cant find the keys to start it. He frantically

searches all his pockets ...

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BEAN leans into shot. He holds out the keys, grinning.

ROBBER:

Gimme the keys!

BEAN runs away with them. Or doesn't! He is in mime mode - And runs

on the spot, getting faster and faster. The ROBBER approaches this

obvious madman. He is quite a tough, scary, and scared individual.

ROBBER:

I said, give me the keys!

BEAN turns and holds out two hands, just like the MIME did to him. The

perplexed ROBBER picks one hand. Wrong one. He then.... pulls a gun

and puts it hard to MR BEAN in BEAN's face. Passers-by scream and fall

to the ground, the bag lady amongst them. Sudden harsh reality.

But not to BEAN. He simply takes the gun, and waves it in the ROBBER's

face, ticking him off for breaking the rules.

ROBBER:

OKAY, OKAY - TAKE IT EASY!!!

BEAN gestures the ROBBER to turn around. He does, sure this sicko is

going simply to shoot him in the head. But instead BEAN puts his back

to the ROBBER's back, and starts to count

BEAN:

1,2,3,4, 5, 6,7,8, 9,10

He turns and gestures to the ROBBER it's time to draw. By this time a

crowd has gathered.

ROBBER:

But I haven't got a f.....

BEAN:

Ssssh!!!!

He points out a small child, watching from behind a trash can.

CUT TO:

INT. SHOPPING MALL. EXT. COFFEE SHOP ~ DAY

DAVID is hurrying back to the parking lot, with a bag of groceries, and

a big bunch of red roses.. He stops dead in his tracks as he spots

something ...

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ALISON and CHARLES are sitting up on stools, in the window of a coffee

shop. ALISON laughs at something that CHARLES says. Their body

language suggests a certain closeness. DAVID is saddened. He hurries

away.

CUT TO:

EXT. SHOPPING MALL. PARKING LOT ~ DAY

BEAN waves the gun at the ROBBER.

ROBBER:

I haven't got a gun.

But BEAN is pushing him to draw. Finally...

ROBBER:

Okay, okay, I'11 do it!

He draws. BEAN draws too. They fire. And BEAN really fires. To his

amazement. Onlookers scream. BEAN throws the gun away in startlement.

The ROBBER lunges for it ~ BEAN kicks it away, trying to help him avoid

such a dangerous implement.

The ROBBER lunges at BEAN who throws the keys away over his shoulder.

The ROBBER has to scrabble under a car for them- BEAN thinks of final

joke - and niftly swaps the ROBBER's bag, for one of the Old BAG LADY's

bags. A few dollar notes spill out of it.

When the ROBBER emerges with the keys, BEAN 's waiting to escort him to

his car. He opens the door - then spots a tourist hiding and puts his

arm around the ROBBER and gets him to take a photograph of them. BEAN

removes the ROBBER's mask as the picture is taken. Forgetting himself,

the ROBBER smiles for the camera.

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