Beautiful Girls Page #3

Well, I got offered this sales job.

It's got a pretty good base salary,

plus commission and...

I don't know. They'll let me know.

- That sounds great.

- Yeah, it could be.

Yeah.

You... I'm gonna go get the video.

- Of this? See him fall in... Yeah.

- You're gonna love it.

What?

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

- That's bogus.

- Why?

Cos you get that job, you won't have

any time to play the piano.

Mo, listen, it's not happening.

It's just not happening.

I'm getting older

and I gotta think about the future.

You would be

the worst salesman ever, OK?

I deal with salesmen every day

and you... you are no salesman.

Well, thanks

for the vote of confidence.

What the hell do you know

about office equipment?

What do you know about kids?

You're raising two just fine.

- Dad!

- Sarah?

See these guys?

Husky Pete, Rizzo and Sammy Bean?

They work all day, drink all night

for 40 f***ing years.

Two weeks out of the year,

they take a vacation.

What do they do?

Drink all day and drink all night.

Does this little observation

contain anything resembling a point?

Yes, Tom.

If we don't step it up,

we'll wind up just like Husky Pete

and Rizzo and Sammy Bean.

Cool.

Cool?

Holy sh*t!

- Hi, Frank.

- Hey!

Oh, it's good to see you.

- What is that?

- That is unbelievable.

- Stink, who's the vixen?

- It's my cousin from Chicago.

- No way.

- No way does she share your blood.

Yes, she does, and she is not only

hot, she is also completely cool.

- Unbelievable.

- Does she have a boyfriend?

What do you think? A girl

like that's born with a boyfriend.

I'm gonna go say hi to Stanley.

- Stanley?

- Hey, you.

- Good to see you.

- Good to see you.

I got some friends

I want you to meet. Come here.

Oh, man, this should be fun.

Andera, this is Tommy...

- Kev...

- Hi.

- Paul...

- Hi.

- Willie.

- Guys...

- Hey, Stink.

- I'm sorry. And Mo.

- Hi, Mo.

- Hi.

Guys, Andera.

Hi.

I'll be here if you need me.

So what part of Chicago you from?

- Do you know Chicago?

- Yeah... I know Soldier's Field.

That's a football field.

- She said it.

- So what do you do?

- I'm in advertising.

- Advertising! That's great.

- What do you guys do?

- What do we do?

- Well, Paul and I have...

...a business.

- Construction...

- Painting...

- Kevin works for me.

- I work with him.

- Mo works in a textile plant.

- I'm plant manager.

And Willie here's a musician.

- What do you play?

- Piano.

- Would you play something?

- No, no...

- Hey, Will, play something.

- No...

Come on.

- Come on. You never play any more.

- I know.

- He's good.

- I need a shot.

- Do you guys want to do a shot?

- Shots? We love shots.

- Er, woo-woos, melon balls?

- Chicks like num-nums.

- Whiskey.

- Whiskey, yeah. Whiskey it is.

- Stan, six shorts.

- Who's Stan?

You got it.

Thank you.

Gotcha.

Irish.

So, Willie,

you gonna play something or what?

All right. All right.

All right.

Hey, buddy.

Why'd you mention the piano?

We can't compete with that.

Show her how you spread mulch.

That's sexy.

Stinky's cousin. He's related!

What's this song?

You don't know this?

Take it, buddy.

I'm done speaking to both of you, OK?

You're both f***ing insane.

You know what your problem is? MTV,

Playboy and Madison f***ing Avenue.

Yes. Let me explain something to you.

Girls with big tits have big asses.

Girls with little tits have

little asses. That's how it goes.

God doesn't f*** around. He's fair.

He gave the fatties

big, beautiful tits

and the skinnies

little, tiny niddlers.

It's not my rule.

If you don't like it, call him.

Hey, Mitch.

Thank you.

Oh, guys, look what we have here.

Look. Your favourite.

Oh, you like that?

- I can go with that.

- Nice? Well, it doesn't exist.

Look at the hair.

It's long, flowing - like a river.

Well, it's a f***ing weave, OK?

And the tits. Please!

I could hang my overcoat on them.

Tits, by design, were invented

to be suckled by babies.

Yes, they're purely functional.

These are silicone city.

And look - my favourite,

the shaved pubis.

Pubic hair being so unruly and all.

This is a mockery, a sham.

This is bullshit.

Implants, collagen, plastic,

capped teeth, the fat sucked out,

the hair extended,

the nose fixed, the bush shaved...

These are not real women.

They're beauty freaks.

They make us normal women

with our wrinkles,

our puckered b*obs - hi, Bob - our

cellulite, feel somehow inadequate.

Well, I don't buy it.

But if you think there's a chance

you could get one of these women,

you don't give us real women

any commitment - it's pathetic.

What do you think you'll do? You'll

end up drooling in some nursing home,

then you'll decide that it's time

to settle down, have kids?!

You gonna find a cheerleader?

Charge it, Mitch.

- You're oversimplifying.

- Oh, eat me!

Look at Paul - models on the wall,

dog named Elle MacPherson.

He's insane! He's obsessed.

You're all obsessed.

If you had an ounce of self-esteem,

of self-worth, of self-confidence,

you would realise that as trite as it

may sound, beauty is truly skin deep.

And if you did hook a model,

I guarantee you'd be sick of her.

Yeah, I suppose I'd get sick of her

after about, what, 20 or 30 years?

Get over yourself. Thank you, Mitch.

Say hello to Gertrude.

No matter how perfect the nipple,

how supple the thigh,

unless there's some other sh*t

going on besides the physical,

it's going to get old, OK?

And you guys have got to get a grip,

otherwise the future

of the human race is in jeopardy.

What was that?

I have to wait for you, Pete?

I don't know.

- Great ass.

- Nice tits. Come on. Let's go.

- Hey.

- What's up?

Nothing.

Who's the guy?

- Andrew Willis. He's in my class.

- Oh. He your boyfriend?

I don't know. I guess. He's OK.

He seemed a little short.

- He's 12 years old, Willie.

- Oh, right.

So, he's not really... Right.

Are you OK?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm... Why?

- You seem a little flavoured today.

- No! No, I'm cool.

Cool.

Yeah.

So, tell me something.

What do you kids...?

What is it you do, kids your age,

on the weekend?

Well, what we've been doing lately

is smoking massive amounts of drugs,

bingeing on Entenmanns

and listening to Pink Floyd.

Really?

You are flavoured today.

- Oh, you're kidding?

- The Entenmanns part was true.

Oh. Wow.

So... you like this guy Andrew?

He's OK. He's into male contraception

which is nice for a change.

Joking.

You really got to chill, Will.

Right. Right.

I'm gonna go inside.

- You sure you're OK?

- I'll be OK.

Good.

Hey, Marty!

Yes?

Ah, forgot what I was going to say.

See you around.

Bye.

- I owe you five bucks, right?

- I think it's more than that.

- This controller's broken.

- Shut up.

- My X button doesn't work.

- You always say that.

It's not fair. Hey, was that Tracy?

Yep.

- Is she hot?

- She's nice.

Ascribe a numerical value -

face, body, personality.

I'm not gonna do that.

- Come on. Do it.

- Don't be vile.

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