Beautiful Girls Page #4

- Grow up. Do it.

- You don't have to.

I don't know, let's see. Face...

- We need a frame of reference.

- I thought I was vile.

- You gotta do it proper.

- Who?

Kelly Norman.

All right. Let's see.

Kelly Norman - face, six;

body, eight and a half;

personality, four.

Yes, sir.

- Jennifer Colton.

- Jennifer Colton?

Face, one;

body, two; personality, three.

- OK, I got it, so...

- Wait!

Carmen Swisher.

- Who?

- Carmen Swisher, man. Porn star.

- I don't know her.

- Yeah, you do.

She's in Fistful Of Vixens.

The one who gets all of her orifices

penetrated by those circus midgets?

Oh sh*t, that's her?

That's her name? She's good.

- Very talented girl.

- Very talented.

Face, seven;

body, nine and a half...

and personality -

well, the sky's the limit.

Those midgets

got a real kick out of her.

Exactly.

So do Tracy now.

Tracy.

Face - good, solid...

seven and a half.

Body - good, solid...

seven and a half.

Personality - good, solid...

seven and a half.

- Sounds excellent, man.

- When's she coming in?

He has the puck! He shoots,

he scores. Yes! Two nothing.

Tommy, would you mind pulling over?

I have to go to the bathroom.

What? We're gonna be

at the restaurant in five minutes.

No, it's gonna take longer than that.

We could just pull in here.

The VFW? We'll be at the restaurant

in five minutes.

I'm not feeling good.

I just need to go in quick.

Did you eat today?

Did you eat anything?

- I ate.

- What did you eat?

- What did you eat?

- It doesn't matter what I ate.

You never eat, then get stomach pains

and wonder why.

- Cos you didn't eat.

- I did so.

You can't do this.

It's eight o'clock...

- Stop it.

- All right. Forget it.

- Good.

- I'm concerned, that's all.

Surprise!

That's nice.

Happy Birthday, Birdy.

- Did you know?

- I had no idea.

Let's get the party started.

- I'm DJing.

- No.

Paul, no. No Jethro Tull.

Hey, you're looking great.

- He didn't know.

- It was beautiful.

- Second course.

- That's right.

- Yo, what's up, guys?

- What's up, man?

Spider, let me explain.

This is my domain.

Let me explain something, my friend.

This is my domain. I don't want...

It ought to be Stinky's - big sign...

Our motto - "Go ugly early".

I like that. Stinky's.

It would look good on the matches.

You know what I was thinking?

We planned all this in the salon...

Congratulations to all of us.

You're happy, I'm happy, Sharon.

Hey, Darian.

- What the f*** is she doing?

- Your boy's f***ed now, buddy.

- Holy sh*t!

- Oh, Christ!

Food for the hungry,

drink for the thirsty...

- Sh*t.

- The odds just increased.

F***, man. Who told her?

It's all right. I'm sure

she's just gonna walk right back out.

Darian.

- Hey.

- Happy birthday.

- That's really nice. Thanks.

- I got this for your birthday.

- I mean this is for you and for me.

- Thanks, guys.

- It's too much.

- Somebody should go over.

You smell good.

- Let's get outta here.

- You wanna go?

- We're going!

- Fine. I'm ready to go.

She polluted the air,

as far as I'm concerned.

- Don't even think twice about it.

- Get home early. Pay the sitter.

- Do you like it?

- I don't know.

- I put the bow on.

- It's really nice.

- Should we do something?

- What?

What the f*** is that?

- I don't understand.

- I have no idea why she's here.

But it's classic Birdman.

It's not funny, but it is true.

- Steven's in New York.

- That's great. Great.

Kristen's with my folks.

Uh-huh.

It was your special night, Tommy.

Why couldn't I share

in your special night?

Because...

Good night, Darian.

I want you to come inside.

I'm not goin' inside.

Come on, Tommy.

I have to give you your real present.

What you gave me is fine, OK?

Darian, come on.

Come on.

You can slip into

something more comfortable.

Like what?

Like me.

- Come on, Darian. I gotta go.

- Come on, Tommy. Grow up.

I gotta go. Just go inside, will you?

Just get out.

We always gotta do this, don't we?

Just go inside.

OK. F*** it.

Stupid truck.

All I'm saying is

you have this amazing thing,

you got his person with all

that potential, all that future...

This girl... is gonna be amazing.

She's smart,

she's funny... she's hot...

- She's 13!

- I know. Get over it.

It's not a sexual thing. This is...

- I could wait.

- What?

In ten years, she'll be 23,

I'll be 39, it won't be a big deal.

Willie... you're scaring me here.

This girl is gonna be amazing.

Great.

I was actually jealous

of this little kid on a bike,

this short little kid on a bike,

cos he gets to be her age now.

I get to be some vile old man,

like... What's his name?

- Roman Polanski.

- No, like... Nabokov.

Like some Nabokov character.

Like some old fat, hairy, fat,

stinky, putrid man.

And...

I don't know. You just want to say

to her in all sincerity,

"Take me with you when you go."

Willie, the girl was a zygote

when you were in the seventh grade.

So what? What are you saying?

That this is my way

of postponing the inevitable?

My way of saying

I don't wanna grow old?

No, I think it's your way

of saying you don't want to grow up.

I just want something beautiful.

We all want something beautiful.

Hi, Mrs Cassidy. I know it's late.

I'm sorry. Is Sharon home?

- She's sleeping, Tom.

- Can I see her?

- She's sleeping.

- OK.

I'm sorry. Could you just tell her

that I stopped by?

You should know Sharon put a lot

of planning into tonight, Tom.

Mom, it's all right. Go to bed.

Hey.

I just... I want to apologise.

You don't have to. I'm fine.

I feel that I should explain.

You know what, Tommy?

It's a little late.

Yeah. OK.

All right.

Willie C. What's up?

- Hey, fellas.

- What's goin' on?

You never went home last night?

Came here. Pike is runnin'.

Haven't caught a thing.

- Guess what I did this morning.

- What?

Made a phone call to Stinky's cousin,

the lovely Andera.

- What happened?

- She's going out with me. Thank you.

Like on a date?

We didn't get into specifics.

Jealous?

- Well...

- A little bit.

Come on, Elle. Let's get some air.

Jesus!

Is that Mo?

F***in' Mo has got it wired, man.

He's like a retard

that doesn't know any better.

He doesn't desire new experiences,

new women, nothing. Look at him.

He's like the mental patient

that doesn't know he's mental.

So he's perfectly content.

- I gotta go take a piss.

- I'll see you later.

Hey!

I'll see you later.

What the heck are you doing here?

My friends are ice fishing

in the shack over there.

Those guys are your friends?

- You know 'em?

- They're here every Sunday.

We call them the Drunken Dry-heavin'

Cheese-eatin' Outhouse Boys.

They're your friends?

- They're acquaintances, really.

- Right.

- So, where's Scooter?

- Who?

What's his name? Billy? Tiger?

Pookie? The kid on the bike?

- Andrew?

- Andrew, that's it. Where is he?

He dorked out on me.

I'm not into him any more.

Ah. So you got someone new?

Yep. You!

What?

You. You're my new boyfriend.

You up to it?

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