Because I Said So

Look at you.

Look over here. Okay, great,

great. All right, let's do this.

Do you like my new dress?

Okay, ready?

All right, say "cheese. "

Cheese... Oh, wait. Excuse

me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's just me, but can

I just say, why "cheese"?

I know it's not your fault, obviously

you didn't make it up, but please,

it makes us look like

pod people.

How about something

more snapshot like?

Au naturel.

That's good. I think we've

got it, though, don't you?

I'm living the dream

over here.

Honey, did you see that young

man Cousin Dougy brought with him?

He's been staring

at you all afternoon.

Don't destroy the cake.

I used fresh tangerines.

Can you taste it

in the frosting?

Has he really? It's delicious.

Yeah, God, his eyes are gorgeous.

They're kind.

And they're gorgeous. Go on.

I'll go over.

You will?

Yeah.

Okay. All right.

Oh, but, honey.

Just don't do that thing

you do. What thing, Mom?

Oh, you know that little

thing. It's no big deal.

That, you know, when you're

insecure, you're self-conscious,

that little very loud,

nervous laugh?

Honey, it's adorable, but...

Oh, God, look, there she goes.

Oh, look.

Oh, I know,

we see it.

She only buttons the part

she can see in the mirror.

At least she shaves more than the front of

her legs now, she's got almost the whole...

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, it's going...

It's okay.

Yeah.

Uh-oh. Kiss of death.

It was so...

You're beautiful.

Are we going to do the picture?

All right, let's do this.

Let's just do it, okay?

Okay.

This time I think

we should pose.

I think we should

pose for one.

Oh, wait a minute, wait. Hold on for

just one second, okay? Where's Mil?

Oh, God, how did we

lose her?

Milly? Where are you?

I'm upstairs,

with Uncle Harold's nephew.

The politically-active

open-hearted journalist?

Mil, let me get your sisters

in on this.

Maggie, what do you do?

You hit "Speaker," Mom.

No, no, I know.

Okay, I knew that, but...

No, but the one

that says "speak. "

Mil, we're here, we're all here. Hi.

So how's it going?

It's good.

It's good.

Okay.

The only thing is

I think he may have

a hot dog with a bun.

Are you having a picnic? What?

No. Uncircumcised is back in.

You know that guy I dated

before Derek, he had a...

And I preferred it because

it was so much more dramatic.

When it finally made its

appearance, you were like...

What's in there?

Just stop it for a second.

Just a little...

This is your wedding.

All right.

Honey, just remember, he's

accomplished and he's considerate.

And don't forget, you have one

breast smaller than the other.

Thank you, Mom. God.

Wait, didn't he get back

together with his wife?

Oh, no.

Well, Milly, congratulations

on your first wedding.

Let's hope it's the first

of many. Cheers.

All right.

A little thyme, remember?

For hope.

And they say lavender

for remembrance.

But my grandmother

preferred marigolds

'cause she said it made you

remember only the good stuff.

I feel like making love to you

My God. All right,

we gotta cut off the champagne

and get some food in their

stomachs before there's an encore.

Let's go ahead and get the

entres ready, all right?

Thank you.

Not a good time.

Honey, I was just thinking

about that brilliant

but went-overboard- with-the-teeth-bleaching

flute player from Ohio.

Yup, he actually stopped

by work to surprise me.

Hey.

How sweet.

He's getting to know

my staff as we speak.

I guess I was wrong.

I mean, I had him pegged

for one of those guys who

wants you till he's got you

and then doesn't think twice about

sleeping with your best friend.

You know, that kind of guy.

No, no, Mom. He's great.

Beautiful, beautiful.

You know, Mom, I gotta go.

We're about to serve the entres.

And I wore those shoes

that we just bought,

no wonder they were on sale,

my feet are killing me.

I'm gonna call you when I get

home, okay? I love you, bye.

Milly.

You have no messages.

Oh!

That's it, Cooper.

Whose idea was this? A Korean spa?

Mine.

Oy.

Ma, why do you wear

the high-tops?

I just got these.

What's wrong with these?

They're just kind of

depressing.

They're kind of something

you would wear in a hospital.

Wait a sec, I'll have

you know, young ladies,

that this underwear

enhances the female form,

highlighting the elegance of the waist

and making the legs appear longer,

instead of the...

Well, I'm sorry to say this,

but the awful, you know,

foreshortening aspect of a thong,

which breaks up

the body disproportionately.

Mom, come on, for your 60th

birthday, we're gonna break you down

and we're gonna buy you

something beautiful,

something that Grandma Moses

would not wear.

Yes, you are.

And speaking of your birthday,

we've talked about possibly,

like, a really small party. We

feel you should have a party.

Not a big one.

Just intimate.

Elegant...

Something very sophisticated.

Because it's a really big

milestone for you, Mom.

No. Misses, no. Absolutely no. Misses...

No, I'm not going to talk about it,

we're not going to think about it

and certainly I'm not gonna not celebrate

the fact that my life is basically over.

Ma.

But I did find a recipe

for a butterscotch buttercream

cake that is to die for.

We got her.

Totally got her.

Massage naked.

Take all clothes off.

No. Not now, pal. No.

No.

Whose idea was this?

Which one of you could possibly

think that I would ever enjoy this?

No, it was not. It was so you.

Just you wait.

No.

Hi, babe.

Okay.

Honey, I'm worried about you.

It's not sad sobbing. I

promise, Mom, I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's just the pressure point

reflex thing.

Pardon?

What kind of oil

would you like?

Oh, wakana oh yulike

to you too.

Mom.

What? It's a greeting.

Hey, wait. What are you...

What are you...

What are you doing here now?

Hey, that's the head. That's...

Soft to hard. Soft to hard.

God damn it.

Oh, my God.

Girls, she's not back

with Rafferty, is she?

She doesn't want to

talk about it, Mom.

I knew it. I thought we got rid of that

pathologically ambivalent narcissist

three years ago when he almost

stood you up at Mae's wedding.

Well, you know what, Mom?

He's never gonna

stand me up again

because he's been sleeping

with my ex-boyfriend.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I could kill him.

Oh, God.

You deserve somebody

who wants you,

somebody who's as good

and as kind as you are.

Why do you always

have to put me down?

I'm not putting you...

Yes, you are.

Love is supposed to make you

feel good about yourself.

You shouldn't have to

settle for crumbs.

Okay, okay. I know.

I'm an idiot, okay?

I'm done. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, no. No.

All right. You're the

psychologist in the family.

What do you think we should do

about your sister?

I swear, with men,

she's like psychotic flypaper.

They're either gay, married,

unavailable or out of their minds.

No, Mom, you have to leave her alone.

You have to quit making her so insecure.

She had the least

amount of time with Dad

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