Bedazzled Page #2

You need a push

in the right direction.

I am happy!

Oh, please!

You don't have to lie to me.

I know every dark thought

in your tiny little mind.

Every night you go to

your horrible little apartment...

...you eat your little frozen dinner,

make your popcorn...

...and watch TV until you can't keep

your eyes open anymore.

And then you crawl off to bed...

...and wonder why you're alone

and nobody likes you.

Not every night.

And you cry.

Yeah, sure!

I know what's in your heart, Elliot.

You could cry right now.

I'm talking about reinvention,

taking control of your destiny.

You want to be liked?

You want to be loved?

How about respected?

How about feared?

What exactly are we talking about?

You want to see how it works, baby?

Wish for something.

-Like what?

-Whatever you want, it's yours.

Just say the word.

Okay...

...I wish I had a Big Mac

and a large Coke.

It is done.

Hi, what can I get you?

A Big Mac and a large Coke.

Fries?

No.

Comes to $3.47.

Do you have $3.47?

I left my purse in the underworld.

Oh, yes! This truly is

the work of the Devil!

And to think that I doubted you!

I'm gonna go now.

Well, what's the problem?

This doesn't prove anything!

I could have done this myself.

I even had to pay.

No such thing as a free lunch.

Didn't anyone ever tell you that?

I didn't even get fries.

I don't believe this. I'm offering

you the opportunity of a lifetime...

...and all you can do is moan

about French fries?

-Good night.

-Oh, fine! Okay.

I'm not getting through to you,

so let's just forget it.

Come on, I'll give you

a lift back to your car.

That's your car?

-It's him!

-It's Elliot!

Elliot, right here.

I love you, Elliot!

Where are we?

Just a little after-hours club I own.

We'd better get in there.

Everyone's waiting for you.

Everyone who?

All your friends.

How you doing, Mr. Richards?

Elliot, one picture!

-Hey! Hey, Elliot!

-No way! This is your club?

It sure is.

Yeah, baby!

-Hello, Elliot.

-Hello.

-Elliot, dance with me.

-No, dance with me.

No, he's gonna dance with me first.

Okay, girls, break it up.

He belongs to me.

How the hell are you?

Somebody take a picture of us.

-Hold it!

-Excellent.

I think she likes you too.

-Are you hungry?

-Uh-huh. Sort of.

-Look.

-Wow!

These look just like my grandma's.

-Try one.

-Okay.

These are my grandma's cookies!

I aim to please, handsome. Come on.

How did you--?

-You liked that, didn't you?

-What, the cookie?

Those people excited to see you.

It's nice to feel accepted, isn't it?

I can give you that.

I can make the whole world love you.

-Come on!

-You still don't believe me, do you?

Of course not!

First of all,

you look nothing like the Devil.

Oh, really? I suppose I could

have gone this way.

But it's so trick-or-treat.

It's true!

You really are the Devil!

Oh, come on, baby.

Come and sit down.

I know this has all been

horribly overwhelming for you.

-Can I ask you a question?

-Sure you can.

Ask me anything.

Just don't ask if there's a God.

I get that one all the time.

It drives me absolutely bonkers.

Yes, there's a God.

Really? Well, what's He like?

You'd think meeting me

would be interesting enough...

...but all they want to know about is

Him! Like He's so bloody fascinating.

-So He's a man?

-Yeah.

Most men think they're God.

This one just happens to be right.

Now listen, darling.

I don't want to pressure you...

...but why don't we take

a teensy look at the contract?

" l, Elliot Richards, hereafter

known as 'the Damned'"

-" The Damned" ?

-How about " the Darned" ? Better?

Don't get hung up on the language.

There's nothing sinister here.

It's all standard boilerplate.

Paragraph one states that " l,

the Devil...

...a non-profit corporation, with

offices in Purgatory, Hell and L.A...

...will give you seven wishes

to use as you see fit."

Seven? Why not eight?

Why not six? I don't know.

Seven just sounds right.

Paragraph two outlines the manner

in which you'll pay for the wishes.

What? I have to give you my soul?

-After you've had your wishes.

-But it's my soul!

-I can't give you my soul!

-What are you? James Brown?

What's the big deal?

You ever seen your soul?

-Do you even know what it is?

-Of course, it's the thing that--

No, that's-- It floats around--

Can I tell you something?

Souls are overrated.

They don't really do anything.

Has yours done anything

for you so far?

No, it's like your appendix.

You'll never even miss it.

Well, if it's so useless,

then why do you want it so much?

Ooh, aren't you the clever one?

Look, who's really making out

in this deal here?

Seven utterly fabulous wishes

for one piddling little soul?

Well, I don't know.

What have we here?

Wait. Who is--

Alison?

How did you--

She is so beautiful.

-I've waited for you.

-Who's that?

-I've waited for you.

-Who's she with?

-I want you now, my Iove.

-Why are you showing me this?

Oh, I love your hair like that.

You must go through

conditioner like crazy.

Is this real?

It could be.

All you have to do is sign.

And you promise I'll get her?

You're the one with the wishes.

But I promise I'll do

everything in my power.

Sign it, Elliot.

sign it.

PIease, EIIiot. I'm waiting, EIIiot.

Great!

Now, before you start wishing

you'll be needing this.

If your wish isn't going

the way you hoped...

...just take out the pager, hit 666,

and it'll bring you right back to me.

Why wouldn't it go the way

that I'd hoped?

I was just throwing that out

as an example.

Every wish is gonna be

But you'll find that out

as soon as you make one.

-So I should make one now?

-Well, if you don't mind.

I've got places to go...

...people to condemn to

an eternity of fiery torment.

Okay, let me think. I--

-I want to be married to Alison.

-You got it.

I also want to be rich.

Always a popular choice.

That's not all. I want to be

very rich and very powerful.

Ooh, even better.

Remember, you have to say " I wish."

Right.

I wish that I were

married to Alison...

...and that I were very rich

and very powerful.

-How's that sound?

-Sounds good to me.

Enjoy.

Roberto.

" I am is to visiting

in the Los Angeles...

...for the time of vacations."

Back so soon?

You turned me into a drug dealer!

They almost killed me!

You asked for rich and powerful.

-Not like that.

-Goes with the territory, babe.

" Root of all evil...."

Ring any bells?

But what about Alison?

What got into her?

I think it was Raoul.

Yeah! That's not what I wished for.

Hold on now, mister. You wished

that the two of you were married.

You didn't say anything about her

loving you.

You know, when two people get

married I assume that--

There's your mistake.

-May I suggest something?

-What?

Rich and powerful

wasn't really the way to go.

Everyone wishes for that,

and it never pans out.

-Really?

-The fact of the matter is...

...women aren't really attracted

to wealth and power.

-They're not?

-No, of course not.

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