Bedazzled Page #3

They couldn't give

a fig for all that rubbish.

What you need to figure out is

what she wants in a man.

How do I find that out?

Easy.

I'm not with her!

Where are we?

A place you never would have seen

without my help. Alison's bedroom.

We can't be in here.

This is breaking and entering.

I know.

It's fun, isn't it?

I'm sure we're gonna find the answer

somewhere around here.

What if Alison catches us?

Don't worry.

She won't be able to see you.

Besides...

...she's in the shower.

Naked.

Right behind that door.

Go on, go ahead.

Take a peep.

No!

Oh, come on.

We both know you want to.

You must think I'm

really perverted, don't you?

You think I'm a sad, desperate,

twisted, pathetic loser.

Yes.

In that case,

I'll take a quick look.

Focus, Elliot.

Remember, we're here to find out

what kind of man she wants.

How do we do that?

Well, she keeps a journal.

And here it is!

I'll find some information

here that you'll find useful.

Hey, that's private stuff.

Is it ever!

Listen to this.

" Last night was the most

incredible night of my life.

I never did find out any of the guys'

names, but I brought them here...

...and all five banged me

like a Salvation Army drum."

What?

-Give me that!

-Just kidding.

I could have been a writer.

She could bump into you

and she wouldn't feel it.

Now this is good.

" I meet many attractive men

who are interested in me and...

...while many of them are handsome

or clever or very successful...

...I find myself turning away

from them and...

...searching the horizon

for someone else.

I don't know who he is or where

I'll find him. I only know...

...that he is a sensitive man.

He's a man who's in touch

with his emotions.

He's a man who's not afraid

to share his fears...

...his disappointments and his tears.

'Where are you, my sensitive man?'"

Did you see that?

She passed right through me.

We were one person for a split second.

Just like in Ghost!

I've got an earthquake

in eight minutes.

Any chance of making a wish here?

Yes.

I wish I were the most sensitive

man in the world.

Right. Okay.

Wait!

I wish I were the most emotionally

sensitive man in the world.

I was hoping you wouldn't catch that.

I could have had a lot of fun.

And I want her to love me.

You know what?

I have a great feeling about this.

-You do?

-Yeah, but...

...what do I know?

I'm back, my love.

Where did you go?

I went to make a garland of beach plums

to place atop your glorious head...

...like a crown.

But then I caught sight

of that sunset and....

I don't know.

Something stirred inside me

and I had to stop...

...and weep.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, it is.

There I go again.

-Tissue?

-No.

I never wipe my tears away.

I'm not ashamed of them.

I wear them proudly.

Like small, wet, salty

badges of emotional truth.

Elliot, there's something that

I think we should talk about.

We've been together for, what,

about three weeks now?

Three magical weeks.

Three magical weeks.

I don't think that I've ever met

a man who's been more in touch...

-...with his feelings.

-I love you.

So very much.

I love you too.

I'm sorry, they're such little devils.

Come on, you naughty boys. See you.

I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Do you need comforting on any level?

No, no, I'm fine.

Have I done or said anything to make

you feel less good about you?

No, no, I'm fine.

Would you like something to eat?

I made a Salade Nicoise...

...with dolphin-safe tuna.

Oh, well.

What is it?

It's that sunset again.

And I worry about the dolphins.

I wrote a song about them.

Like to hear it?

Now? I....

-I have to stop.

-Good. I mean, why?

I'm looking at you, and I'm seeing...

...all the beauty of the world

shining at me, through your eyes.

Mind if I sketch you?

I didn't now you could draw.

I'm not an artist, per se.

There's something that

I think I really have to say.

Elliot, that's amazing!

Compared to you, it's nothing.

Compared to your smile and...

...the blush of your cheek, your voice

as it floats on the evening breeze....

Compared to you, that sunset's just....

When is that thing gonna set?

-Maybe we should go.

-No, wait!

There's so much that I want to say

to you, but I can't find the words.

I have an idea. I would like...

...to improvise a sonnet

about your hair.

How wonderful my fair one's face--

Excuse me, fellas.

Might I ask you to take the horseplay

down to another part of the beach?

No.

You know, rather than

get confrontational...

...why don't we all

sit down together...

...have some salad with dolphin-safe

tuna, and start a dialogue.

You know, I had a feeling that

you were gonna--

Okay, guys....

I'm gonna have to ask you to respect

the moment that my woman friend...

...and I are sharing,

because it's a celebration...

...of love and caring...

...and unique spiritual

and emotional understanding.

Want to get a beer?

Sure.

Excuse me, but I thought that

this was our time together.

It's just a beer.

I'll be back soon.

My place is, like,

Fine.

Where's your car?

-It's a van.

-Great.

Alison! I respect your

uniqueness and your individuality...

...and you're your own person. If you

want to go with our new friends...

...I won't stand in your way.

Thanks, Elliot.

I knew you'd understand.

No, wait!

Don't go! Don't go!

I can't handle this rejection.

Why don't you want to stay?

You want to know why, Elliot?

Because you're just too sensitive!

I'm about to go out of my mind!

It's been wonderful,

and God knows I love you...

...but enough is enough!

I want to be with a man who'll

ignore me and take me for granted.

Who pretends to be interested

in who I am and what I think...

...so he can get into my pants.

That would be me.

Oh, thank you!

Let's get out of here.

Alison? Wait!

Alison!

I'll get into your pants!

Oh, Elliot, get out of there,

you silly boy.

Man, you are so bad!

Why, thank you.

You're not very good at this whole

instant-travel thing, are you?

I'm sorry. Now then,

what were we talking about?

Oh, your next wish.

Don't think I don't see

what you're doing.

I make wishes, and you think up

ways to ruin them!

I ruin them?

How can you say that?

I'm not perfect, you know!

Do you think I enjoy this?

I'm stuck in this horrible job

for eternity. Everybody hates me.

When I try to help someone

they turn on me...

...like I'm supposed to be God

or something!

For your information,

my life is a living hell!

I work hard!

I try to look good for you!

You do look good.

You look very good.

I just wanted you to like me!

I do like you. It's just, I'm

feeling a little frustrated here.

Don't give up on me, Elliot.

I'm not giving up on you.

Nobody gets it totally right

right away.

You're doing great. Really.

-I am?

-Yeah. You are.

I'm so sorry your wish

didn't work out.

Friends?

Sure.

I'm sorry if I said anything

to upset you or make you feel bad.

And I'm gonna try to be more

sensitive next time.

Oh, I think you're

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