Bedazzled Page #4

sensitive enough already.

-You think?

-You kidding? You went for me crying.

Were you faking me out?

Because--

I was 100% sincere.

It's not easy being the Barbra

Streisand of evil, you know.

What have we learned so far?

Well....

I think women really

don't know what they want.

Amen!

They say they want sensitivity,

but you saw how fast she went...

-...for those tough dudes on the beach?

-Which tells you...?

That...?

It tells me that I want to be

big and strong.

I want to have a great body.

Tall and, like....

Good. Go on.

I want to be athletic.

And I want to be rich too.

For something that I like doing

that people really like me for.

Great! This is getting

really specific. Let's see:

Big, strong, rich, athletic.

Something you like.

Lots of fans....

-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-I hope so.

In the form of a wish?

I wish I could play

professional basketball!

Then I'll just say the magic words:

Dennis Rodman!

Just kidding!

Michael Jordan.

The fans are going nuts here

at the Forum in Los Angeles.

The score, 135 to 85.

Elliot Richards has totally dominated.

If you're just tuning in, you've missed

one of the best shows...

-...in the history of sports.

-Absolutely, Jerry. Absolutely.

People say basketball caught fire with

the ascendry of Michael Jordan.

But after what we seen here tonight,

a lot of people are gonna be saying:

" Michael who?"

Right from the get-go, the fans

took a look at Elliot Richards...

...and a few women fainted and a few

fellas, well, liked what they saw.

Absolutely. He's a

big fella and an imposing fella.

He's enormous.

He's listed at 7'6" , but I say...

...he plays like he's 11 feet tall.

I don't think he's that big.

No, I'm saying the game

he plays is....

Is that of some Viking giant...

...with a basketball in one

hand and a club in the other...

...standing 10, 11 , 12 feet tall!

It's obviously Elliot Richards who'll

control this game from the tip-off.

Right from the get-go, Elliot is a

dominating force in tonight's game.

He was " phi-slamma-jamma,"

rubbing stink all over him...

...with rib-tickling jumps of

double vanilla funk.

Let's take a look.

Here's a pass worthy of John Elway.

For the dunk!

Just a beautiful play.

Here he is, lining up for the 3,

and, " Ricola," it's good.

Here's his patented over-the-shoulder,

no-look, three-pointer....

And nothing but net.

Here he is...

...soaring through the air

like a man on a flying trapezius.

Bam! That's what I'm talking about!

Destroying the backboard and the glass!

He's an animal.

Let's take another look.

And boom!

Humpty-hump, dump-dump!

I love this game, folks.

I sure enough do!

Elliot Richards spitting

glass at your ass!

Bob is courtside with

Elliot Richards now. Bob?

Elliot, you must be one

very proud young man this evening.

That was a staggeringly dramatic

display of athletic ability.

You go out there and you give

You hope you play good.

I think we played pretty good tonight.

ln sports terminology, and l

don't mean to sound contrary here...

...the word " good" falls short

of encompassing the virtuosity...

...of your performance.

Well, you know, there's no " l"

in the word " team" ...

...and this is a team effort,

and I want to say I'm proud...

...to be associated with

these fine individuals...

...that I have had the

pleasure of working with.

I would never want to dis your

teammates, but you realize that...

...you smashed WiIt Chamberlain's

record of 100 points in a game...

...set in Hershey, Pennsylvania

many years ago.

Oh, man, you just gotta play one game

at a time and give 1 10% ...

...you gotta show you want it more

than they do when the chips fall.

Thank you very much.

Back to you, Jerry and Dan.

All right!

Diablos!

Number one, yeah!

Elliot.

Hi.

Alison Gardner.

The sporting News.

It's nice to meet you, ma'am.

God, I can't tell you how

thrilled I am to meet you.

I was wondering if there

was a possibility...

...if you might consider doing

an exclusive with me...

...for the magazine.

You know, maybe more intimate,

one-on-one.

Just the two of us.

Yeah, right, I'd kill you one-on-one!

Shoot!

God, it's so exciting to be here.

I mean....

You must have an enormously huge...

...talent to do what you do.

Well, you know, you go out there

and you give 1 10% .

And...

...you hope you play good.

And you want to play good.

We played pretty good.

God, you were incredible tonight.

Watching you...

...I just kept thinking

how unbelievably big your...

...ego must be after a game like that.

Well, not that big, really.

I bet it's pretty big.

Well, it gets a little bit bigger.

It depends on how happy I am!

Want to go back to my place?

I'll show you my bottle cap collection.

Oh, God, that would....

That would be tremendous.

All right! Well....

I should....

I should get dressed.

I can't wait.

Oh, my God!

What the hell?

God, there's this--

Damn!

Oh, heck!

Oh, God, I remembered there's this...

...teeny, tiny thing to do.

-What's teeny?

-No, no.

-Just something I have to write.

-About me?

Yeah, just a little, short,

itty-bitty blurb...

...about tonight's game.

Well, can I see you

after the road trip?

I would love to, but

I'm working on a really big...

...huge, enormous story on the NFL...

...so I probably won't have time.

Shoot, I understand.

You gotta give 1 10% .

Stay within yourself.

Thanks for your time.

So long.

What the hell!

Oh, damn the Devil!

Damn the Devil to Hell!

Shoot! Darn it!

Where the heck did I put that...?

Now what are you doing?

You seem so upset. Do you want

something to help you relax?

You bet I'm upset. You gave me

this little, teeny-weeny winkie.

Well, that's easily fixed, you know.

Now then, let's see.

There's some M&M's for room 320.

Red Hots for 31 6.

You're giving them candy?

Placebos. They work as well as the

real thing. It's a scientific fact.

You can't give sick people Tic-Tacs.

Sick people have bad breath.

I'm performing a public service here.

Now, about your next wish....

All right, okay.

Well....

I want to be smart.

No, I want to be really smart.

I want to be able to talk good.

"Well."

What's the word?

" Articulate" ?

Articulate!

Yeah, I want to be articulate.

And I want to be witty

and sophisticated.

Charming. I want to know everything

about everything and....

I want to be popular.

I want to be good-looking.

No, make that great-looking!

And I want Alison to fall...

...head-over-heels in love with me.

Anything else?

Like what?

Like winkie-wise?

Oh, right.

Yeah, well....

I want to be big.

Not like practical-joke big, but....

You know, sort of....

Yeah, is that clear?

Crystal. You just say " I wish"

and I'll fill in the rest.

I wish that I was

witty and articulate--

Blah, blah, blah.

You got it, smarty-pants.

Take two of these

and call me in the morning.

Oh! Elliot!

Oh, it is so wonderful

to see you, darling!

New York has been so deadly dull

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