Bedazzled Page #5

without you. Where have you been?

Out in the Hamptons, of course.

Up to my ears in my new book.

What, another one? You've written

four books in three years.

-What's this one about?

-Oh, same old, same old.

A deconstruction of the

Neo-Romantic period in art...

...from the perspective of the

Industrial Revolution in France.

I can't imagine who reads this stuff!

Well, Elliot, the critics, apparently.

It's already won the Pulitzer Prize

and it hasn't even been published yet.

Like they say, Dr.--

--a Pulitzer Prize and $3.50

will get you a cafe latte.

So modest.

Darling, you really should get around.

Everyone's dying to see you. Mingle.

Darling, you look fabulous.

Vassily Mishka?

What a charming man.

Who is that?

Oh, that's Elliot Richards.

He's a very successful writer.

He's a very successful everything,

as matter of fact.

That's Elliot Richards?

Oh, I've read all his books.

He's brilliant.

I had no idea he was so handsome.

Why don't you go and talk to him?

-I couldn't. What would I say?

-Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

Just let him do all the talking.

It's a common misapprehension that the

word " gin" comes from the city Geneva.

But the word " geneva," small " g,"

is a corruption of genievre...

...which is French for "juniper" ...

...the berry that flavors this

miraculous libation.

Speaking of miraculous.

I'm Elliot Richards.

How do you do?

I know who you are.

I'm Alison Gardner.

I just had to tell you how much

I loved your novel...

...AIways Toujours.

I was just trying to make

a simple point, really.

Every time I reread Camus or Sartre,

I kept thinking to myself:

Why does the existential dilemma

have to be so damned bleak?

Yes, we're alone in the universe. Life

is meaningless, death is inevitable.

But is that necessarily so depressing?

I couldn't agree more.

Don't you think

secular humanism is yummy?

Oh, delish.

My, my.

They say alcohol is a disinhibitor,

and it's working very well on me.

Me too.

What an exquisite feeling.

Every cell in my body just...

...wants to reach out

and touch someone.

Yes, it's incredible, isn't it?

The physiology of touch.

Just below your epidermis,

concentrated in your fingertips...

...palms of your hands...

...soles of your feet...

...clitoris...

...nipples, penis...

...lips...

...tongue....

Thousands of tiny little

Meissner's corpuscles...

...all deliciously sensitive

to even the slightest caress...

...sending all those tiny little

endorphin-producing...

...pleasure messages

to the hypothalamus...

...the primitive brain.

I'm tingling all over.

Do you know the largest organ

in the human body?

-I can guess.

-You'd be wrong.

It's your integumentary system.

Your creamy...

...soft...

...and completely desirable skin.

Can we go to your place?

Oh, this is so perfect!

Everything here absolutely screams...

...Elliot Richards.

Actually, most of the screaming...

...takes place...

...in the bedroom.

What the hell is going on, Mary?

-Who are you?

-Don't play games with me.

I'm in no mood.

I've been out of my mind all night.

-Oh, my God.

-Hi.

-Who's your little friend?

-Maybe I should be running along.

Wait. This is a mistake.

I'm not gay.

Oh, really? And I'm Tony Danza.

-Honestly, I swear it. I'm not.

-Well, then tell me...

...who was in the Broadway cast

of The Pajama Game?

Janis Paige, John Raitt-- I assume

you mean the original cast...

...because there was a revival

in 1973 with Hal Linden--

I am gay!

I rest my case.

Wait. I can prove to you

that I am not gay. lKiss me.

Oh! This is just sad.

Will you shut up, b*tch?

Please, Alison, let me kiss you.

Remember the champagne,

the corpuscles?

All right, Elliot, kiss me.

I'm gay.

-Well, thanks for dropping by.

-Good night.

Bye-bye.

You've been drinking again, haven't

you? This is just like the night...

...you had all those Brandy Alexanders

and ran up and down Fire lsland...

...with your cute little Speedos,

singing " Evergreen" at the top--

And so the cow was returned to

its rightful owner. Okay, boys...

...tonight's homework. Algebra.

Xn + Yn = Zn

You're never gonna use that, are you?

lmperialism and the First World War.

What was done is done.

No point thinking about it now.

German, French, Spanish.

Ja, ja, oui, oui, s, s.

It's nonsense.

Everyone speaks English anyway.

And if they don't, they ought to.

So, no homework tonight.

But I want you to watch a lot of TV,

don't neglect your video games...

...and I'll see you in the morning.

Shall we say 10:
00, 10:30?

No point in getting up too early.

Elliot, darling.

What a lovely surprise!

-I hope you had a pleasant evening.

-As if you didn't know.

I'm sorry, darling. I know

it must be frustrating for you.

Maybe I can make it up to you.

Yeah, you've been a really

big help so far.

I know. I've been really

naughty, haven't I?

-A good spanking's in order.

-Is that all you think about?

-Do you think everything is about sex?

-No, of course not.

I mean, there's greed, gluttony,

sloth, anger, vanity, envy.

No, there's also honesty and hard work

and caring about people...

...and doing good for somebody else.

You're just a big Boy Scout,

aren't you?

I find that incredibly appealing.

All I've been doing

is thinking about myself.

I could be doing really important

things to help other people.

What about Alison?

I don't know anymore.

You mess it up anyway.

I know Alison's not really like that.

What exactly do you have in mind?

I want to do something great for

mankind, to help make a better world.

I want to go down in history for

doing something really important.

I want Alison to take me seriously

and treat me with respect.

I sense a wish coming on.

Yes!

I wish that I was

the president of the United States.

That is the noblest, most unselfish

thing I've ever heard.

And it's a great way to meet girls.

Bless you, Elliot Richards.

And Godspeed.

Mr. President!

Alison Gardner.

We're so honored

to have you here, sir.

No, no, no.

The actors are beside themselves

with excitement.

We're going to a play? You idiot!

I'm Abraham Lincoln.

I get assassinated at a play.

I think you'll find it quite amusing.

It's called Our American Cousin.

I think I've seen this.

I'm sure I have.

I don't think you've seen it.

-It's an entirely new play.

-Really?

I know how it ends anyway.

-Say, can we just go to a movie?

-A what?

The president.

You seem tense tonight,

Mr. President.

Oh, well, you know,

I've had a lot on my mind...

...what with preserving the Union

and my wife going crazy and all.

Can I help you find something?

Yeah, I'm looking for my pager.

-Your what, sir?

-My pager.

It's this little red plastic thingie.

It looks kind of like a cell phone,

only smaller.

I'm sorry! Sorry!

All right, no problem.

No problem! No problem!

No problem.

Wait!

Okay.

You're late.

Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.

It won't happen again.

See that it doesn't.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote