Bedazzled Page #6

I don't think a person

with your very limited skills...

...can afford to push the envelope.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Creep.

so teII me, how was it?

I'm dying to know.

-What are you doing here?

-Just think of me as a computer virus.

I think of you as a plague.

Now will you get off my screen?

I have work to do.

Whoa, what's this whoIe

''get thee behind me'' thing?

We stiII have business here.

No, not now. I told you,

I've got work to do.

And besides, I've only got

two wishes left.

Correction. You have one wish Ieft.

Nice try.

-I've got two more coming.

-No. Count them, baby.

-You were president.

-Yeah, okay, one.

You were a handsome, articuIate,

ceIebrated author and raconteur.

Yeah, and you turned me

into a flaming homosexual.

-Pro basketbaII pIayer.

-Three.

-The caring, artistic guy was four.

-The Colombian drug lord was five.

-I have two more.

-You forgot the Big Mac and Coke.

What? That wasn't a wish.

You said, ''I wish,'' and I got it

for you. sounds Iike a wish to me.

No! No, no, no, no.

That's not fair.

Fair? Who do you think

you're taIking to?

I don't recaII anybody accusing me

of being fair before. I'm insuIted.

What? No, this isn't right!

You can't do this!

What are you gonna do? sue me?

No! That's it! I've had it with you!

The whole deal is off.

Off!

Shut up!

Are you all right?

Not really.

I need to talk to God.

Well, that's the power of prayer.

Say what's in your heart and He hears.

No, you don't understand.

I really need to talk to Him.

Now. It's urgent.

Is it something you can tell me?

No, it's personal.

There's nothing you could say

that I wouldn't understand.

Why don't you just try me?

I sold my soul to the Devil

for seven wishes.

I've had five of them,

but the Devil says I've had six.

She's counting the Big Mac and Coke.

I don't think that's fair.

Do you?

This is so unnecessary.

-You're coming downtown.

-The Devil gypped me for a burger!

Tell your story to the sergeant.

So do you have a copy

of this contract?

No, I said she keeps it

in her office.

-At this nightclub in Oakland.

-Yes.

-And I can't tell you where it is.

-You promised the Devil you wouldn't?

No, because she drove.

Right. ln a Lamborghini Diablo.

-Look, officer.

-Sergeant.

I know my rights. I don't have to

talk to you without a lawyer.

So you either book me or let me go.

Oh, gee, are those my choices?

Oh, what do I do, what do I do?

I choose " book you."

Throw him in the lockup.

Arraignment in the morning.

Drunk and disorderly.

-Recommending psychiatric evaluation.

-It's her!

One more word out of you and

I'll pop you one, you whacko bastard.

Move it.

Spread them.

There's no point fighting about this.

You have to learn to accept

the inevitable.

We're all doomed anyway, so you might

as well just get with the program...

...wish your way out of here

and move on.

I wasn't kidding

when I said I liked you.

I do, Elliot. I think you have

massive potential.

If you're looking at

an eternity in Hell...

...let me tell you, it wouldn't hurt

to have a friend like me.

So you just think about that.

Give me a call when you're ready.

She's a devil, that one.

What?

I said, she's a devil, that lady cop.

Yeah, I guess.

What you in for, brother?

Eternity.

That's a long time. You must

have did some really bad sh*t.

Yeah.

I sold my soul.

-Hope you got something good for it.

-I got nothing for it.

That's a really bad deal,

if you ask me.

Well, I'm not asking you.

Doesn't really matter, though.

-You can't sell your soul anyway.

-Oh, really?

Why do you say that?

It doesn't belong to you

in the first place. No way, no how.

So who does it belong to?

It belongs to God.

That universal spirit that animates

and binds all things in existence.

The Devil gonna try to confuse you.

But that's her gig.

But in the end, you'll see clear

to who and what you are...

...and what you're here to do.

You'll make some mistakes along

the way, everybody does...

...but if you just open up your heart

and open up your mind...

...you'll get it.

Who are you?

Just a friend, brother.

Just a really good friend.

Hey, baby!

We love you, Elliot!

Elliot, darling.

So nice of you to drop by.

Come into my office.

Oh, don't worry about them.

They're having a fabulous time.

Pathetic, aren't they?

Everybody wants to go to the party,

but nobody wants to pay the piper.

-Are you--?

-Don't get too excited.

It's just a Halloween costume.

Anyway, darling, have you

thought of your last wish?

I hate to rush you,

but there's a time limit.

Read your contract.

I don't want another wish.

That's funny.

Do you think this halo's too much?

No. I really don't want it.

What do you mean, you don't want it?

-You get seven wishes.

-There's nothing I want.

Well, there are things that I want,

but nothing you can give me.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, last night, when I was lying

in jail, I was talking to this guy...

...and I realized that wishing

just doesn't work.

All my life I wished

to be better looking...

...richer, successful, talented.

I always thought it'd be great...

...if someone could just wave

a magic wand and make that happen.

I realized that

it doesn't work by magic.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

And I've been

starting to think that...

...it really isn't that important

how far we go in life anyway.

It's how we get there

that really matters.

You know, that is so inspiring.

So it's okay?

Well, no, Elliot.

I'm afraid it's not okay.

A deal's a deal. You get

one more wish, and I get your soul.

So let's just get on with it,

shall we?

-I'm not gonna do it.

-Oh, really?

Before you get all hinky,

I should warn you.

I'm not all peaches and cream,

you know.

I do have a darker side.

And believe me, it's not pretty.

Now you can go easy,

or you can go hard...

...but one way or another,

I will get your soul.

I'm not gonna do it. There's nothing

you can say or do that will make me.

Oh, you'll change your mind.

I'll just slip into something a little

more terrifying. See you in hell!

Wait, wait, wait!

Just wait a minute!

Wait!

Now listen to me,

you disgusting little maggot!

This is your last chance

before the big weenie roast!

Make a wish or forever burn in hell!

Okay! Okay!

I wish....

I wish that Alison has a happy life.

Oh, God.

Is this heaven?

Heaven? God, no,

it's the courthouse.

I'm just meeting a couple of lawyers

for lunch. Clients of mine. Come on.

Wait, what happened to the whole...

...you know, fire...

-...and the big, horny guy with--

-Oh, just a few special effects.

Sort of the Universal Studios

tour of evil.

It normally works pretty well,

but you weren't going for it.

Your last wish

was a deal-breaker.

-What?

-Nobody ever reads the contract.

Article 1 47, paragraph 9, section 3:

Selfless acts of redemption.

It says, " If you commit one truly

benevolent act, it voids the contract."

-So I get to keep my soul?

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