Bedtime Stories Page #2

[Ray Anthony and His Orchestra:

The Hokey Pokey]

All right, everyone finished

at the pottery table,

bring their art to the kiln.

The man with the rescue donkey's

leaving in five minutes,

if you haven't gotten a ride, hurry up.

Thank you, Principal Duva.

Oh, I'm not a principal

at this party. I'm a mom.

Hey!

I notice no one's eating

the gluten-free wheatgrass cake.

Come on. Trust me,

you just got to get past the smell.

What? The clown died?

- What's in that bag?

- Oh, chocolate chip cookie.

- Food!

- [All kids] Food!

- Slow it down, slow it down.

- Hey, sissy.

Why do you bring sugary, chemical-filled

crud to my house every time you visit?

What? Every time? You haven't

invited me here in four years.

What are you talking about?

It hasn't been four years.

You were here for

The Fourth of July barbecue

when you punched my husband?

Yes. That was four years ago.

I wanted to give him a wedgie,

but his underwear had holes in it.

I knew he'd be your ex-husband.

You should be happy.

All right. Let's not start.

How are the kids handling

the old divorce anyways?

They're both kind of off right now.

Bobbi's been really quiet.

Why don't you go say hi.

I'm gonna pay the donkey guy.

- Is that what stinks in here?

- No, it's the cake.

What did she make, donkey cake?

- [Kids laugh]

- I smell manure.

Hey, you guys. Remember me?

Uncle Skeeter.

Man, you got big.

Haven't seen you in a while.

Happy birthday there, Bobbi.

I'm Patrick. She's Bobbi.

Oh, my bad.

Got you a little something.

Happy birthday, Bobbi.

Here you go.

Picked it up at the hotel.

How's school going?

- Skeeter?

- Yeah.

Getting called to the principal's

office. Look at that.

Have fun with the gifts. And...

Yes, yes.

Shampoo?

And a soap?

Hanger and a towel.

Do not talk about school with them.

What's going on with the school?

- They're closing it down.

- No.

- I'm getting laid off.

- You?

You're like

the classic school principal.

I mean, you're, you're scary

and bad with people.

Children are nervous around you.

That doesn't sound right, but,

I'm just saying, what else could you do?

Maybe, Cuban dictator? Or the bogeyman.

You could be the bogeyman.

- Anyway...

- What, what?

I've got some interviews

set up in Arizona,

which is kind of what I wanted

to talk to you about.

Uh-oh.

I need you to watch the kids...

for a week.

No! No, they don't even like me!

It's not going to be difficult, Skeeter.

My friend Jill

is a teacher at my school.

She'll bring the kids in with her

and watch them till dinnertime.

All you gotta do is the night shift.

Why can't your stupid friend do that?

She's got night school. Skeeter!

My husband left me.

I'm getting laid off.

I, I have to move.

I need your help.

So you need me.

This is good.

I'll do it.

But you got to say,

"Skeeter is the coolest.

I am a nerd."

"Skeeter's the coolest.

I'm a nerd?"

Yeah, you are! Whoo!

OK. Hey, you guys.

I'm going to hang out with you

this week. All right?

Maybe we can go... fishing.

I'd rather you didn't.

Patrick's not a strong swimmer.

OK, we'll stay inside.

How about, uh,

we play some poker?

- I can teach you that.

- Gambling? I don't think so.

OK, how about we

just take walks in the park

- and catalog plant species?

- Now you're talking.

I don't know anything about plants

except you try to make cakes

out of them!

He liked that one.

I'm gonna end with a laugh.

Give me some. Huh?

I wasn't gonna hit you.

I was trying to do the fist thing.

You don't know the fist thing?

OK, I was just...

That's what, uh, the children do.

Hey, yeh, yeh.

Oh, this your truck, chief?

Yes, it is, ma'am.

You realize you're taking up

two parking spaces?

It's a big truck, ma'am.

It's not that big, sir.

You could fit into one spot.

I had to park

all the way down the block.

Well, next time park in that box.

Plenty of room in there.

Anyway, here's the situation.

This is not really my truck,

this is the hotel I work for's truck.

So if I get a scratch on it,

they take it out of my salary.

So two parking spaces

provides me with what I call

"a cushion of protection."

Wait, a hotel? Oh, wait.

You're Wendy's brother.

- Yeah.

- I'm Jill.

- Who's that?

- I'm her friend,

the one helping take care of the kids.

I'm the day shift.

OK, June. You plan on being

this hostile the whole time?

Jill. My name is Jill.

Do you plan on keeping that

haircut the rest of the time?

Oh, haven't you heard?

Goofy's the new handsome.

[Engine splutters]

- That sounds good for the environment.

- Oh, we can't all have Priuses.

How do you know I drive a Prius?

Your whole aura reads Prius.

[Bubbling sounds]

Anyways, you're in my

cushion of protection right now.

I want to back up, so if you

could just zing-zang up there,

- that would be helpful.

- Yeah.

You might want some Cinnabons.

You'll need it.

- Food!

- [Kids shouting]

Give it back!

Somebody owes me six bucks!

So why didn't you demand that he make

you the big boss of the new hotel?

He promised your dad.

I wanted to.

It just wasn't the right time.

Let me tell you how it works.

The big man's giving the job

to Kendall

because he's dating his daughter.

That's the way it works,

keep it in the family.

He gets the girl, he gets the job,

he gets everything.

And I get nothing.

[Cell phone ringing]

[Ringtone screeches]

- Hello?

- [Jill] Where are you? Still there?

I'm still where?

Who's this?

Look, I've got to get to class.

The kids are waiting for you, OK?

Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah,

I'm sorry.

[Stammers] I forgot.

I'll be there in like 20 minutes.

[Phone beeps off]

I'm gonna baby-sit

my nephew and niece tonight.

Oh, God.

Got any advice for me?

Yes, I do. Sometimes I baby-sit

my cousins, right?

And what I do is

I let them style me hair.

Like put beads into it and braid it,

make me look all real sexy.

Like Milli Vanilli, stuff like that.

You should try that.

Braid my hair? That's a good idea.

Can I have some French fries?

Of course you can.

You're my best friend.

[Gasps]

Ah! Actually, I really like

ketchup on my face

because it's

rejuvenating for the skin.

So who's the real victim?

You are.

Mmm! Delicious.

Do you think these signs will help?

Well, miracles happen,

you know?

You mean like Dad coming back?

Um...

- [door closes]

- [Skeeter singing]

[Laughing] Hey!

Sorry I'm late.

So, um, their pajamas

are on their beds,

and I will be back, um,

at 8:
30 to pick them up, OK?

- All right.

- Here is my cell phone number.

And call me if there's

any emergencies.

All right. Have fun at night school.

- [Jill] Bye, guys.

- Bye.

All packed up here.

I got my, uh, toothbrush

and, uh, and the toothpaste.

Some clean underwear.

Well, maybe not that clean.

You guys want to watch TV?

We don't have a TV.

[Cell phone rings]

- Hello?

- [Skeeter] Emergency!

They don't have a TV.

Wendy doesn't let them watch TV.

You didn't know?

I don't know a lot of things

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