Bedtime Stories Page #3

about these kids.

I wasn't allowed over here.

Their old man didn't like me.

OK, listen, you don't need a TV.

You can, um, play a game, do a puzzle.

I'm sure you can figure

something out. OK?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Should I let them

braid my hair or something?

Would they like that?

I don't think anyone

should touch that hair.

Hey, what do you say we go...

next door and toilet paper

your neighbor's trees?

No? OK, bedtime!

[Thunder, rain falling]

OK, so you guys cool?

You have to read us a bedtime story.

Yeah, all right. You have any?

Whoo! What do you got here, anyways?

"Rainbow Alligator Saves the Wetlands"?

Mmm, no.

"The Organic Squirrel

Gets a Bike Helmet"?

I'm not reading these

communist books to you guys.

Don't you got any real stories?

- Like what?

- Like what?

Like, like cowboys? Or dragons?

Or aliens? Or... What the heck

is on my head right now?

That's Bugsy, our guinea pig.

- Why do you call him Bugsy?

- Because of his eyes.

Let me see them.

[Squeaking]

Wow! Those eyes would be big on a cow.

[Squeaking]

Are those eyeballs

or bowling balls?

Can't keep my eyes off of them.

Just get in there so I don't have to

look at them anymore. Goodbye.

Anyways, uh,

you guys want me to, uh,

make up a story for you?

Like, like my old man used to do for me?

Maybe I could be good at this.

All right, um...

Here goes.

Once upon a time,

in a magical, faraway kingdom...

Once upon a time,

in a magical, faraway kingdom...

... there was a brave

and noble knight.

Strikingly handsome.

Who lived in a grand castle

that weary travelers from near and far

would come and visit.

Now, this knight had been

working his butt off for years.

You'd think he'd be a shoo-in

to rule the castle, right?

- [Patrick] Right.

- [Skeeter] Wrong.

Actually, he wasn't

even a knight at all.

[Neighs]

Oh, no.

[Skeeter] He was, in fact,

just a lowly peasant.

And even though he was the son

of the late, great Lord Marty...

- [indistinct]

- Thank you.

... and knew everything there is

to know about running a castle,

everyone just took him for granted.

His name was Mr. Underappreciated.

What's "underdemeciated"?

- Under de-what?

- Underdemeciated.

That's right,

I forgot you were six.

His name was Sir... Fix-A-Lot.

But alas, the kingdom

where Sir Fix-A-Lot lived

did not place much value on dedication

or hard work, I guess.

Because the superstar in all

the land was Sir Butt-Kiss.

And he spent all his days

kissing everybody's butt.

[Kissing sounds]

- Boo!

- [Giggles]

And my lord, yes,

of course I can get you

front row house seats

to The Lion King. [laughs]

And Sir Fix-A-Lot had

a best friend, Friar Fred,

who was not right in the head.

She never! No! Not our queen,

I won't have that.

- Were there any kids in the kingdom?

- [Skeeter] Yes, yes. Of course.

There were two young pages.

Mistress Stinky

and Master Smelly.

Hey-oh! And don't forget...

Jillian! The queen of the fairies!

[Skeeter] Queen of the fairies?

I mean, if she has to be there,

let's just make her an angry raven.

[Caws]

Parking spot!

[Patrick] She should be

a mermaid teacher.

[Bobbi] Yeah. The best

mermaid teacher in the world.

Children, open your books to page 16.

Yes, Miss Mermaid.

Let's begin.

All right, she's a mermaid.

Whatever you want.

Anyways, back to the story.

One day the king invited

all his subjects to the castle.

I bring glad tidings.

For on this day

I have chosen a champion

who will run this castle

and be my closest advisor

and bestest buddy.

My new champion is...

...Sir Butt-Kiss!

[Cheers, applause]

Thank you.

Poor Sir Fix-A-Lot had been passed over.

So, Sir Fix-A-Lot

moved into a giant shoe,

got a bad case of athlete's face,

dove into a moat...

Ah, what the heck.

[Shouts]

... and got eaten by crocodiles.

[Shouting]

The end.

The end? That can't be the end.

- Why? Why not?

- It's not happy.

There aren't happy endings in real life.

Sooner you know that, the better.

- It's not fair!

- What? What's not fair?

I mean, shouldn't Sir Fix-A-Lot

at least get a shot to be champion?

- A shot? Hmm...

- If Sir Fix-A-Lot is better

than Sir Butt-Kiss, he should

get a chance to prove it.

OK. Yeah, yeah,

Bobbi, good.

[Bobbi] What the king

really said was...

On second thought,

there is another worthy man

in my kingdom,

and it wouldn't be fair

unless he got a shot, too.

Sir Fix-A-Lot!

[Skeeter] And then the crowd went nuts.

[Journey:
Don't Stop Believin']

But, Sire, Fix-A-Lot

is as common as muck.

Boo!

[Skeeter] And Friar Fred

drop-kicked a booing goblin.

- Boo!

- [Man shouts]

And the mermaid teacher did one of those

weird tail dolphin moves.

And Stinky and Smelly

did the fastest Irish jig ever.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[Laughs] Yeah. Right on.

Prince Bugsy busted out

some fancy moves.

[Squeaking]

And then... and then...

It started raining gumballs.

Raining gumballs?

Why not? It's a bedtime story.

Anything can happen.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess in a story.

I just wish it was like that

in real life. I really do.

[Bell chimes]

- What was that?

- Bugsy.

- [Chitters]

- [Skeeter] Oh.

He rings that bell when he's hungry?

No, when he needs to go to sleep.

[Gurgling sounds]

[Yawning]

OK. As you wish,

Your Highness.

All right, you guys, have a good sleep.

You, too, uh, weird eyes.

- [Bugsy chitters]

- [Skeeter makes chirping noise]

[Skeeter] Well, I don't

have much to work with,

but I will make us

a delicious breakfast

that I know you will enjoy.

Yes, some banana

on the rice cake,

and then what do we call this?

Wheat germ.

I was told germs are bad for you,

but here goes.

I like it.

A rice cake-banana-wheat germ sandwich.

And what do we got?

This is terrible.

Doesn't your, your mother

have taste buds?

What are we doing here?

We got nothing to use in this house.

Hang on.

A little flavor.

It's good because, now we don't

have to brush our teeth.

There you go. At least we got

a little mint going on. Guys want one?

- [cell phone rings]

- Hang on.

- [ringtone screeches]

- Hello!

Bronson? The television set

in Mr. Nottingham's room

is broken and it needs

to be fixed right away.

I have a situation here.

I'm watching my nephew and my niece.

I'm sorry. Are you having

difficulty hearing me?

Mr. Nottingham wants

to watch television now!

I hear you.

I speak trollinese, don't worry.

- There's a leprechaun behind you.

- [Squeals]

- Gotcha.

- [Phone beeps off]

Thanks a lot, gentlemen. OK.

- Wow.

- It's pretty, huh?

Whoa!

I got to go fix my boss' television set,

but I need somebody to watch you two.

[Paparazzo] Violet!

Right here. Give a smile.

Hang on.

Violet! Skeeter Bronson,

the handyman from the other day.

Oh, right. Yes.

Listen, uh, I got some kids

with me right now.

My nephew and niece. But,

I gotta fix your father's TV.

Could you watch them a few minutes?

Huh?

[Bell dings]

- Yeah, yeah. All right, I'm going.

- [Gasps]

Rate this script:3.5 / 2 votes