Beer for My Horses

All right.

We'll start this next set

with a song about

the North Texas,

Southern Oklahoma,

crystal meth,

amphetamine industry.

# Strap them kids in #

# Give them a little bit

Of vodka in a cherry coke #

# We're going to Oklahoma

To the family reunion #

# For the first time

In years #

# It's up at uncle Slayton's #

# 'Cause he's getting on

in years #

# He plays that Choctaw bingo

Every Friday night #

# You know he had

To leave Texas #

# But he won't say why #

# He owns a quarter section

Up by Lake Eufala #

# Caught a great big ol'

Blue cat #

# On a driftin' jug line #

# Sells his hardwood timber

To the shipping mill #

# Cooks that crystal meth

Because the shine don't sell #

# He cooks that crystal meth

Because the shine don't sell #

# You know he likes that money

He don't mind the smell #

# He plays that Choctaw bingo

Every Friday night #

# He drinks his Johnny Walker

At that Club 69 #

# We're gonna strap them

Kids in #

# Give'em a little bit

A Benadryl #

# And a cherry coke

We're goin' to Oklahoma #

# Gonna have us a time #

# Have us a time #

It's out of here.

Wee-haw!

Well, here we go again, buddy.

Hey, Jer.

I sure like your new truck.

Get the hell out of here,

Norvel.

Or there's gonna be trouble.

See that?

It's my trailer, you cheater.

You tell your boyfriend

come on out here,

take a look at his new ride.

I told you, he ain't here.

I'll knock out

his headlights too.

Hey. I better get to this.

Whoa, Sandy. Norvel.

Get off my head.

Hey. Hey.

- Get off me.

Get your hands off me.

She's a cheater, Rack.

Hey. Hey. Settle down.

Tell me what happened.

My brother come up here today

to borrow my minnow bucket,

because he's going fishing

with Bobby Bell this afternoon.

So what?

He saw Jerry Buckey

sneaking in my trailer,

that's what!

Your brother didn't see

jack squat.

Sandy, now, let him talk.

Shut up, Lonnie.

Sandy, calm down.

Go ahead, Norvel.

Well, I raced right over here

from work,

and by God if I didn't see

Jerry Buckey's truck,

parked right here.

And I just

snapped.

Well, partner,

that ain't Jerry Buckey's truck.

It ain't?

This truck here you tore up,

that belongs to Jay Boy Simpson.

Uh-oh.

Now, is it true?

Jerry Buckey been here

with you, baby?

You know me, Rack.

I'm a lot of things

but I ain't no cheater.

I would never even think

of cheating on Norvel.

I haven't even seen

Jerry Buckey

since last Friday.

- Hey, Rack.

Now, Sandy, you know

good and well Norvel loves you.

Oh, the hell he does.

He never takes me anywhere.

Why, he was telling me

the other morning

he had big, big plans

for you this weekend.

What?

Ain't that right, Norvel?

Oh. Oh, yeah, Rack. It is.

I was gonna take here

to eat catfish.

You was?

You was gonna take me

to eat catfish?

Yeah.

And hushpuppies too?

Yeah.

Oh, Norvel.

I love catfish.

I know you do, baby.

Oh, Norvel.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry too, baby.

I love you, baby.

I love you too, baby.

Ain't love beautiful?

Let's roll.

All right, y'all,

take care.

We'll see y'all next week.

Bye, Rack.

Bye, Lonnie.

Thank you.

I don't want any thanks, either.

If he came in...

Hey, babe.

Where are we going?

"Hey, babe.

Where are we going?"

Cam, I'm late. I'm sorry.

There's late,

and there's too late.

You're the second.

I had to take that prisoner

over to Lawton.

What am I suppose to tell

the sheriff?

You tell him it's

your girlfriend's birthday

and you're suppose to be home

hours ago.

I did.

- Oh, yeah? What did he say?

He said, "Take that prisoner

over to Lawton."

You know what?

I'm just sick of your excuses.

It's always,

you're working late

or you're there with

your buddies.

You know what? I'm really glad

you're having a good time.

I'm glad you like to party.

I'm glad you like to have fun.

But unfortunately,

you never like to do it with me.

Cammie.

Cammie.

I got you something, baby.

This ought to be good. What?

Oh, it's nothing big.

It's just a little something

I wrapped up in a pair

of underwear. Threw in my pants.

Jerk!

- Damn, Cammie.

Damn, Cammie, don't.

This is crazy.

Do you remember

your birthday last year?

Let me remind you.

I put on that sleazy little

cocktail outfit,

just like that floozy-ass poker

waitress you like so much

down at the Indian casino.

You came in here,

you didn't say hello.

You sat on that couch, you eat

pork rinds, drink beer,

and you fell asleep watching

Coal Miner's Daughter.

That was real nice.

I like Coal Miner's Daughter.

Cammie.

You hit my mower.

A**hole.

What have I done?

Well, looks like Daddy's gonna

have to get him a new mower.

Oh, yeah, Rack,

looking good.

Hey, boys, what you doing?

Damn, Lisa,

you're looking good, baby.

I wonder if

she's still mad at me?

Hey, Lis.

Ooh...

Mornin', Peabody.

- All right.

Uh, hey, you got a little

donut right there on you.

Here?

No, over here.

Mornin', Rack.

- Mornin'.

I forgot to tell you yesterday,

Cammie called.

Oh, yeah?

Is she okay?

She's fine. How's George doing?

- Just horny as hell.

Well, I can see why.

- You know, that's nice.

But ever since he sold

my ThighMaster,

my ass just swelled up.

Well, cowboys

like fat calves.

I hear the hardware store

is having a sale on lawn mowers.

You might wanna get one.

What's up, Skunk?

I did it. I did it, Rack.

I taught Junior how to detect

the smell of drugs. Sit, boy.

Sit, Junior. No.

Stay.

You're gonna love this.

Drugs.

No peeking.

Okay. Here we go.

Okay, boy.

Find the drugs, Junior.

Hold on.

Come here, Junior.

Turn around.

Now get ready.

All right. Come on.

Here we go.

All right, Junior, go ahead.

Find the drugs.

Find the drugs, Junior.

Come on, Junior.

Find the drugs.

Give him a second.

- That's really good, Lonnie.

You know, he might actually

be able to find them

if you glue them to his balls.

What are you turds up to?

Uh, nothing, sheriff.

Well, we're gonna have to

change that.

You boys are working

this weekend.

Work?

- Yeah, work.

It's the opposite of what

you usually do.

Jackson County Co-Op.

You're gonna stake it out

Saturday night.

Someone's been stealing

anhydrous ammonia

from the co-op tanks

and we're gonna catch them.

Well, why would anybody

wanna steal fertilizer?

Why would anyone

name a baby Lonnie?

It's what they use

to cook meth with.

Sheriff Wells over at Altus

says it's getting to be

a big problem over there.

These smaller co-ops

are easier to hit.

Sheriff, why can't

these two guys do the stakeout?

Well, because I said so,

that's why.

Besides, these boys worked

the high school prom

last Saturday night.

- That's nice.

Least they were working

this time.

Last time they were at prom,

I believe they went as a couple.

Eat me.

- You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Ah, ah.

That's quite enough.

We'll take care

of this, sheriff.

See you boys Monday.

You get rid of that...

That damn dog, will you?

Well, it's a K9 recruit, sir.

Right. Get rid of it.

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