Beerfest Page #2

You get a few drinks in you

und you become the Dirty Harry.

You should go back to your strip malls

and drink your Zimas and Smirnoff Ices.

Und then you can punch each other silly.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Sounds like you guys

fancy yourselves drinkers, huh?

Ja, maybe a little.

I think we just beat the Irish, so...

- Oh, that's good. The champions. What?

- Well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you pick your best two?

Because you just opened up a can of corn.

Corn.

We are laughing.

We are laughing at you.

- Our best two? You want our best two?

- The corn.

How about our worst two, right?

Hammacher! Schlemmer!

You take the big guy.

I'll get the little one.

You ready, du kleiner Hosenscheier?

Everyone at once.

First team to finish wins. On my word.

- Let's do this.

- Ja, do it.

Hey, boys, why don't you let us

put a nipple on that for you?

I remember my first beer.

Prosit.

Allow me to introduce our grandfather:

Wolfgang von Wolfhausen.

Take a good look...

...for this is a real von Wolfhausen.

Grandpapa.

Oh, sh*t.

So you are the progeny of Johan.

I am guessing that he is the one

who taught you how to drink beer.

Now...

...where is our recipe?

What f***ing recipe?

Friends...

...this is all that remains

of a thieving stable boy...

...who ran away to America

with his whore mother!

I'm a sucker for family reunions.

Here are a couple of euros.

Go back and get a BJ

from your great-grandma, on me.

Now get out of here.

BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ!

They called Grandpa a thief

and Gam Gam a whore!

We gotta go back.

We gotta go back and beat those guys.

- Oh, come on, man, that's crazy.

- Is it? We can do this.

We can do what?

Great Gam Gam.

Mein boys. Oh, willkommen.

Honey, what happened to your eye?

I accidentally walked into a wall.

Yeah, the Berlin Wall.

I'll tell Tippy to get

some cold pig stomach.

We put that on Janny's eye.

So tell me,

was the ceremony beautiful?

Yeah. Very beautiful. I mean, gorgeous.

Was it a peaceful resting place?

Have you ever been

to the family resting place?

No, but I've been told it is wonderful.

- Quiet, lovely.

- Yeah.

And how is Herr Schniedelwichsen?

- Oh, he's fine. Great guy.

- Yeah. Good.

He says hi.

Oh, you boys have done a great thing.

Now your grandpapa can rest in peace.

She couldn't be more not a whore.

We're gonna defend her honor.

We're gonna defend Grandpa's honor!

- We're gonna put together our own team!

- Yes.

We'll get the biggest drinkers, the best

beer-gamers, the fastest chuggers.

Then we're gonna go back

and kick the tar out of those Krauts!

That's my brother!

God, I missed you.

Beerfest it is.

They want a war?

We'll give them a war

they won't believe.

So how'd you find him?

Some dude, used to work

with him at the brewery.

Haven't seen him since

Hands Across America.

Oh, that's right.

I heard that when the brewery gave

him his pink slip, he killed a guy.

I heard that too.

There he is.

You got nothing, baby.

I got everything!

You got nothing! You got nothing!

We're gonna win this thing.

Can I have your autograph?

Oh, no autographs, kids.

No, no, no. Thanks anyway.

Get you next time.

Hey, guys. Good job out there, Naka.

Hey, Landfill! Hey, big guy!

Hey, look what the cat dragged in!

I haven't seen you guys since...

Hands Across America?

We were just saying that.

We almost made it.

Couple breaks in the chain, right?

What's going on?

You disappeared for a while.

We heard you got fired from the brewery.

Goddamn brewery!

They brew 10,000 bottles of beer a day.

I drink 45 off the assembly line,

and I'm the a**hole.

Jim Tobleson said they called in

a hostage negotiator.

Jim Tobleson's a f***ing Chatty Cathy.

I did my three years up at the county pen.

Made some friends, went Muslim.

Now I'm out, praise Allah.

I heard that someone died that day.

Yeah, somebody did die that day.

Me.

I had the greatest job in the world,

brewing cold, fresh joy for thousands.

Not to mention all the beer

you could drink, right?

They took it away from me.

Yep, I'd trade all this in if I could get

that feeling back again.

What?

There he is.

Nathan Cornwell has discovered...

...pneumono-ultra-microscopic-

silico-volcano-canaisis.

Big round of applause, people.

You want that geek?

What's he gonna do, check my urine?

I met Finkelstein back in college.

He was a real brainiac, that nerd.

Studied everything about everything.

Including beer.

So shut the f*** up.

What are you doing?

Put the frog on the table.

Clean out the floxinator

or something, all right?

People, listen up. Use your thumbs.

Locate the seminal vesicle here,

the ejaculatory ducts here.

Then stroke it.

Stroke it. Stroke it hard.

Cup the gonads.

If you don't cup the gonads...

Finky!

Jan? Todd?

What are you guys doing here?

- Hey, smart coat.

- Oh, thank you. It's rayon.

What are you doing?

We're extracting frog gamete

for cloning trials.

You're jerking him off.

- Who's the hippo?

- Phil Krundel.

The name's Landfill.

Listen, Fink.

We're putting together a drinking team.

There's a competition

and we want you to be part of it.

- Come on. I'm really busy.

- We're serious.

You don't understand. I'm a respected

member of the scientific community.

Sorry.

- We can't do it without you, Fink.

- No chance. I have a job.

I've got a house with a pool

and a two-car garage. I got three Ph.D.s.

Hey! Don't do that!

- I'm published in four journals.

- What?

Toad Load Weekly?

We need you, Fink.

America needs you.

That sounds a little dramatic.

That's the part we haven't told you.

We're competing against the Germans.

Germans?

Yeah. Big, blond, a**hole Germans.

You got 15 minutes to tell me more.

- Can you move over, please?

- I like to sit in the middle.

What am I supposed to do?

You have room. You're little.

- You wanna sit on this side?

- F*** you.

Jan, who are we meeting out here?

- Jan, who are we meeting out here?

- Barry Badrinath.

- What? No.

- Who's Barry Badrinath?

- I'm putting a team together.

- Turn around.

- Who's Barry?

- Don't worry.

Who's Barry Badrinath?

Who's Barry Badrinath?

Will you shut the hell up? Shut up.

Barry Badrinath was the

best beer-gamer ever.

Best at Quarters, at Pong,

best at everything.

We should put him on our team.

Well, actually, Barry and Todd

had a falling-out.

- See, Barry doinked Todd's girlfriend.

- Yahtzee.

- Zip it, Fink.

- Sorry.

Just think about Gam Gam

for a minute, all right?

- Is this guy really that good?

- Yeah.

He's the best.

We should put him on our team, then.

- There he is.

- Where?

Right there.

Oh, my God.

What happened to him?

All right. It's a regular

hot-dog cart in here, huh?

All right, here's how it works.

One dollar to look at it.

Two dollars to touch it.

Three dollars to watch me touch it.

That's lots of nice-looking manhood.

Back the f*** up, Antonio!

My dick!

My apologies.

Five to touch it

while I touch my toes.

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