Beerfest Page #3

Six dollars to touch it

while I touch your toe...

Oh, hey, Jan. How are you?

Todd. And Fink.

- Hey, looking good, Finky.

- You too, Barry.

I wish I could give you a deal here,

but my pimp's a real ball ache, you know?

So it's $ 10 for a BJ,

$ 12 for an HJ, $ 15 for a ZJ.

What's a ZJ?

If you have to ask, big man,

you can't afford it.

I got $4.

Barry, we didn't come here for a BJ...

...or a ZJ or any kind of a J.

Move along, then.

I got a mouth to feed.

Barry, wait.

Jan, hold on.

That's not such a good idea.

Barry!

There's this big beer-games competition.

We're putting a team together.

- We want you.

- Twenty-five bucks.

No, no, no. You'd be training

with us over the next year.

- Thirty bucks?

- Jan, forget it.

No, just show us some of

the old coin tricks. Come on.

Oh, please, Jan, let's get out of here.

- No. Wait.

- No?

Clearly, you've fallen on hard times.

This would be a chance

to get back to the glory days.

It's a chance to show you still got it.

You still got it, right?

You bet your ass I do.

Show them.

Watch and learn, baby diapers.

Just like college.

It's nothing to worry about.

He's shaking the cobwebs off.

I got it. I got it.

All right, here we go.

- A little sticky on the:

- Yeah.

- This guy blows.

- Come on. You can do it.

Glasses, maybe. I...

What are you looking at?

Barry, what happened to you?

Get out of here! Get out of here!

- Get out of here!

- Barry, Barry...

- Get out of here!

- Help! Help!

So, what about

Dan "The Magic Man" Dunchkowski?

He'd down a beer ball

with every meal.

He's no good.

He had that Al Roker surgery.

He went black?

Don't be a moron.

He got his stomach stapled.

Most he can fit are two Triscuits

and a glass of water.

Really?

Oh, boy.

Wolfhouses, I want on the team.

Forget about it. You're done.

You don't have any more, Badrinath.

Oh, yeah?

He's got a gun!

Unbelievable!

That's incredible.

I'm better when I'm drunk.

- I'll say.

- Of course. So is everybody.

Hey. Looks like we got ourselves a team!

- Get them in there.

- All right!

Well, boys, if we're gonna train...

...we're gonna need a training facility!

It's perfect!

It's amazing!

Look at the size of this

graduated cylinder: 2000 milliliters!

A direct-draw beer dispenser.

Half-barrel capacity,

with an anti-foaming mechanism.

These are really the coins?

Hey. I think I found us

a creepy new mascot.

Yeah, f*** it.

Yeah, give it a rim job.

Don't. That belonged to our grandpa.

Sorry.

Listen up, fellas.

The next 11 months

are gonna be tough.

As tough as anything you've ever done.

We're gonna drink beer.

And a lot of it.

If anybody here isn't up to it...

...l'm gonna give you one last chance

to walk out that door.

- That's a good one, Todd.

- Good. That's what I wanted to hear.

Because in this silver slice of

heaven here are 1984 ounces of beer.

Golden, delicious beer.

And no one leaves here until we finish

every single last drop.

All right, let's have the keys.

- All you guys. You too, big boy.

- Don't lose these.

All right, Fink, hit me.

Sorry. I'm a mathlete, not an athlete.

Hey, Barry, how about

a little warm-up match?

Good one. But I'll leave

the practicing to the amateurs.

All right, guys, let's focus, huh?

Huddle up.

All right!

Guys, those Germans

are incredible drinkers.

Better than anything I've ever seen.

Now, Fink, they've got

this thing called The Boot.

There's a secret way to drink it.

I don't know what it is.

- You'll have to figure that out for us.

- You got it, Hot Toddy.

One more thing,

I cannot stress this enough, people.

This is a super-secret competition.

You cannot tell anybody about this.

Or else what?

The guy that brought us there,

they killed him.

But let's not worry about that now.

- Let's drink some beer!

- Yeah!

- All right!

- Yeah, cheers!

Ice cold.

- Anyone else's cold?

- Really cold.

Drinking and dancing at the same time.

That's what's making it tough.

Thought there might be a bug in there.

My teeth hurt, it's so cold.

That's what makes me have to stop a bit.

- How many beers in this thing?

- About 125 beers, yeah.

A hundred and twenty-five?

Might have a cavity here.

- You're dead, b*tch.

- Oh, yeah?

Remember we made Fudgsicles out

of sh*t and Mark DeFanti ate one?

Eight points.

These big ones have

a different flight pattern.

Nobody said it was gonna be easy.

That shiner's sure starting to fade, huh?

Yeah, I kind of wish it wouldn't.

It's great motivation.

A reminder of the humiliation.

I wouldn't mind having it

while training.

Okay.

You are a good friend.

All right, here we go.

Oh, yeah.

I know you love it, Muscle Lips.

Let's go.

Lap it up, you hungry son of a b*tch.

Sorry.

Get a handle on your Frisbee, college boy.

Don't go there. You do not sully a yarmulke,

you goyim schmendrik miskayt.

I don't know why you're here.

You can't drink beer.

I'll show you how to drink

a beer, motherf***er.

F***ing man cow.

Hey, I think somebody's trying

to chug in my face!

Look out, Germans!

You got chutzpah, Fuckelstein.

- That's great.

- Hey, Todd.

About the old girlfriend thing.

Can we bury the hatchet, buddy?

- I don't know.

- It was just a one-night stand, right?

Wasn't even that good-looking.

Real dead fish, right?

I mean, she just laid there, taking it

like a plastic f*** doll, am I right?

I happen to have married

that plastic f*** doll!

Todd, no!

Hey! Get off him!

Someone's chewing my leg!

I hate you, Badrinath!

Oh, my God. Phil. Phil, honey.

Oh, my God.

Hello? Yes.

We need an ambulance immediately

at 622 Francis Drive.

Come on, Phil.

Stay with me, honey.

Oh, my God, what is that?

Ham.

Phil?

Not again.

How'd we do?

Not good.

If we're gonna drink like the Germans,

I think we're gonna need a little help.

You don't have to yell.

Don't say anything to Great Gam Gam

about the competition.

Don't talk about her being a whore.

- She's a whore?

- No, she's not a whore.

- So what if she was a whore?

- She's not.

I'm just saying, some of

my best friends are whores.

Yeah, we know.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Wolfhouse.

- Can I help you?

- Who are you?

My name's Cherry.

- Is everything okay?

- Everything is fine.

Great Gam Gam.

Cherry is here to help me

now that my Johan is gone.

Mein darling great-grandboys...

...und their delicious-looking friends.

Come in.

And summer sausage.

Just came out of the refrigerator.

Here, try this. Oh, no, wait.

Here, let me warm it up for you.

No, that's fine. We're okay.

When we were at Oktoberfest, we noticed

that the Germans were excellent drinkers.

- Oh, yeah, that is true. That is a true thing.

- How do they get good?

Well, from the time

that they are little kids...

...Germans are raised

to be excellent beer drinkers.

- How?

- Well, for one thing...

...they train high up in the Alps.

Interesting. High-altitude training.

Similar to the Kenyan marathon runners.

They are also taught to relax

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