Beerfest Page #4

the muscles of the throat.

Germans can pretty much

stick anything down there.

I myself can probably fit in at least...

Oh, at least nine inches.

- Here, let me show you.

- No. You don't have to demonstrate.

What else do the Germans do?

They also practice by drinking

the urine of a ram.

- The what?

- They drink ram's piss.

- Because of the pH balance?

- No.

Because if you can drink ram's piss,

f***, you can drink almost anything.

- She said "f***."

- Gam, who's drinking piss, honey?

No, I was saying it was a tradition

back in the old country.

Damn, that's nasty. The old country

must have been f***ed up.

Now, come on, baby,

it's time for your nap.

- Come on.

- Okay. Well...

See you boys later.

I always sleep better

when I have a little sausage in me.

Look, if you ask me...

...l'd have to say the whole whore thing

is a real possibility.

Bavarians have been warming

sausages like that for hundreds of years.

Would you say

it's their oldest profession?

Shut up, Landfill.

All right, but more importantly,

where are we gonna find a ram?

I'm gonna f***ing puke.

That's the most

disgusting thing I've ever drank.

I doubt that, playboy.

Oh, God, is there anything better?

Not right now.

You know, fellas,

maybe training alone on a rooftop...

...drinking ram piss isn't the way to go.

Maybe we should get out there and

mix it up with some randoms, you know?

- Smart idea, college boy.

- Go test our mettle.

Yeah, challenge somebody.

Challenge ourselves.

Let's get bombed!

Yeah!

Hey. Who ordered

the Queer Eye makeover?

We're the party brigade.

We're here to play

some drinking games.

Drink. You're rowing on the wrong side.

You've gotta drink.

I've got one.

I never made out with Tommy Mullarky.

My turn. I never fooled around

with Coach Gerber.

This one's called the Strikeout.

What you're gonna do is take a hit...

...chug your beer, do a shot,

then blow out the smoke.

Here goes nothing.

Careful, dude. It's gonna f*** you up.

That's not bad at all.

"Strikeout," right?

That's nothing.

Don't...

...really, however, see what...

...all the...

...fuss is about.

- Oh, yeah. Way to go Dr. Finklestein.

- Do I know you?

- Yeah. It's me, Jerry, your paperboy.

- Hey, Jerry.

While I have you here, you forgot

my Sunday supplement last week.

Wake up, Finky. Wake up.

Cops, cops, cops!

Dude, aren't you like 40?

I'm 33.

Hey, what the hell?

Help!

What a great morning.

Night, ladies.

- Night, Todd.

- Bye, Todd.

Say hi to the missus.

All right, guys, come on.

- One, two, three.

- Go.

My glasses!

Two, three, go.

Maybe we'll move to mugs tomorrow.

He's so strict.

Hey, Finky...

...how you doing with The Boot?

- Not there yet.

I have figured out the problem,

I just don't know the solution yet.

Check this out.

Hey, fellas, gather up.

Here's the thing.

When you drink, the shape of the boot

causes an air bubble to form in the toe.

The bubble.

This air bubble

shoots around the heel...

...and explodes towards your face

while drinking.

In your face, it explodes.

- It's impossible to handle.

- It's impossible to handle.

It's unavoidable.

The Germans know how.

I find the whole thing frustrating

because I can't figure it out.

It's frustrating.

It's frustrating.

It's frustrating.

It's frustrating. It's frustrat...

Can you get the puppet off of me?!

- Hey, it's Popo.

- Sorry.

You knocked his head off.

Wait, wait. There's something in there.

Hey, what is that?

- Looks like it's German.

- Aren't you guys German?

- Yeah, so?

- Give me that.

I used to work

on a German cruise ship.

Yeah, it's a beer recipe.

- Really?

- What recipe?

Must be the old German beer recipe.

Those Germans said our grandfather

stole their family recipe.

- lf he had it, why didn't he brew it?

- Hebrew?

- Maybe he didn't know it was in here.

- It supposed to be good?

If this is the recipe, this used to be

Germany's greatest beer.

Okay, we want three cups.

That's right. Good.

Pour it on in, pour it on in.

Okay, good. Let's have a little...

- How is it, Jan?

- Tell us.

It's...

It's beautiful.

- It's magical.

- It's laughing at me.

I wish I could brush my teeth with it.

- I wanna put my dick in it.

- I want it to put its dick in me.

I wish it were winter, we could

make it into ice and skate on it.

Then melt it in the springtime

and drink it.

Hey, what's the matter, Jan?

This means Gam Gam

really was a whore.

It is good, it is good.

I can't serve it fast enough.

- Hey, buddy.

- Go with God.

Hey, Wolfie. Give me a Schnitz.

- Nice bottle.

- Hey, Landfill.

Look at this guy! He's getting better.

Dude, you want a Schnitz?

Do you want a tip with that?

Yeah.

Good one.

- Give me six Schnitzes.

- What the doctor ordered.

Drink, drink, drink!

Good, good, good.

Special delivery!

I have this special delivery

for Herr Baron.

Can't you see we are training?

I am so sorry, but this package

comes all the way from America, ja...

...and look, it is marked:

"Most urgent."

What is it, Grandpapa?

They have the recipe.

- Who else knows of this package?

- Absolutely no one.

Only me. It's just me.

- Dispose of him.

- Wait!

No, no, no! What about

"Don't shoot the messenger," right?

We're not going to shoot you.

Boys, prepare your things.

We are going to America.

To get our recipe!

Hasta la vista, messenger boy.

Up your nose mit the rubber hose!

I don't really have a move

except this one.

Are you out?

Finish your beer, a**hole.

A**hole!

A**hole! A**hole! A**hole!

Eat that tomato in one bite, a**hole.

A**hole! A**hole! A**hole!

- Good job, a**hole.

- Oh, no.

- Where you going?

- Get out of here.

Watch out. He's coming your way.

See you later, a**hole.

Hey, Jan.

- You all right?

- That's a good shot.

Like the love.

Yeah.

Looking good, Barry.

Looking good,

you handsome motherf***er.

We gotta get you out of those

wet clothes and into a dry martini.

- What?

- I said, "Out of the martini?"

- Get away from me.

- All right.

Two shots, please.

How about a little Sex on the Beach?

I think my place is closer.

- You wanna get out of here?

- You looking for a little slap and tickle?

Oh, yeah. Something like that.

I'm gonna go grab a taxi, baby.

Okay.

- Yeah?

- Barry, what are you doing?

You kidding me? She's hot as hell.

I'm looking for

a little slap and pickle.

You sure you wanna do this?

You're drunk.

I'm drunk. You're drunk.

Everybody's drunk!

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, Mama.

Damn, that's nasty.

Come here.

I'm gonna butter your bread, baby.

Nice and toasty, please.

- You wanna get out of here?

- Looking for a little slap and tickle?

Something like that.

I think I dropped my monkey.

How many licks does it take

to get to the center.

I'm gonna rock your world.

I am going to break your dick off.

Suck them.

Lick them clean, Daddy.

Suck them. Suck them.

Lick them clean. Yes!

Suck them! Suck them!

Now, don't peek.

Quit squirming!

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