Beerfest Page #5

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, you dirty motherf***er, right there.

Come on.

I knew it the whole time.

I'm better than you!

Somebody had the pig snouts over here?

Who ordered the pig snouts?

Gentlemen...

...it appears it is time to initiate

Operation Recipe Retrieve.

Is that the title we all agreed on?

I kind of like Operation Stein Grab.

Or what about Brauheist 2006?

- Oh, that's a good one.

- It's kind of spunky.

- Ja, it's fun.

- One second.

- What if it takes longer than a year?

- Ja, I was hoping to be done by 2007.

That's true. I have big plans for 2007.

Ja, we should take a vote, because

I never liked Recipe Retrieve either.

This is not a democracy.

We always waste so much time

arguing about names.

I'm sick of it.

I came up with Operation Recipe Retrieve,

and that's the name!

- Okay, fine.

- I like it now.

I'm sorry.

It's just that I start to feel

so cooped up in these U-boats.

I had a bad experience once.

Thank you.

Now, let's go get what belongs to us.

Battle stations.

Landfill! Landfill! Landfill!

Watch out. Okay, here comes

the bubble. Get ready.

Damn it! It's the bubble!

I know. No, it's a b*tch.

Don't worry. Come on.

You're getting better. Next time.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Krista.

- Can I try that?

- Honey, we're practicing.

- Hey, fill her up, okay?

- Practicing for what?

- Nothing.

- No, seriously.

You said you were practicing.

Practicing for what?

Hey, honey, let's go take a look

at the glockenspiels.

No, I don't wanna look

at the goddamn glockenspiels.

- They're really shiny. Come on.

- I don't wanna.

Well, hello, Dirty Harrys!

Holy cameltoe.

Ja, the last time we saw you...

...you were wearing

your grandfather's ashes as a hat.

You have one minute

to march out that door.

We have come for our recipe.

That's our recipe.

We figured you would say that.

Despite your thievery, we are prepared

to buy it from you, right now...

...in cash.

Big deal.

A suitcase full of Monopoly money?

Come on, those are euros.

What's that, like pesos?

Yeah! Come on.

That is legal European tender.

We should have brought deutsche marks!

- But they are so hard to find!

- They're not!

No, there's five ATMs.

No, there's a Quickie Mart

right around the corner.

Enough!

Here is 500,000 American dollars.

It's not for sale.

Well, why don't we make it interesting?

You seem like sporting fellows, no?

I am so sorry. I'm really sorry.

How about a match?

You win, you keep the recipe

und the money.

We win...

...the recipe is ours.

- Give me that thing.

All right, Barry. It's showtime.

Yeah, there's something

I haven't quite told you yet.

I don't play Pong anymore.

What are you talking about, man?

You're the best. Here, let's go.

- Come on. Let's go kick their ass.

- I don't f***ing play Pong!

Jesus, calm down.

Pull it together.

You're acting a little crazy here.

Your wife didn't think I was crazy when

I double-teamed her with "Silo" Johnson.

- The double-team.

- The double-team.

Yeah, that's right.

Never knew it was a three-way, did you?

- With the Silo?

- Yeah.

Let me tell you something:

- He wasn't storing corn in that thing.

- Son of a b*tch!

F*** it! I quit.

What? Barry!

The f*** is that?

Are we playing or not?

Time to scheie or get off the crapper.

Get bent, umlaut. We're gonna sell

the sh*t out of this beer.

You are making a big mistake, cowboy.

Don't think you have seen the last of us.

Oh, I forgot the money.

You should get a pinball machine

that works.

That machine works just fine.

Does it?

Folks, I'm sorry. Finish your meals.

Enjoy. Let's... Come on,

let's have some polka, all right?

- F***.

- Hey.

- You know we should have played them.

- I wasn't about to give them that recipe.

- What do you wanna do about Barry?

- We don't need him.

We can get someone else.

What's that?

Local family restaurant...

- That's us.

- ...or disease-infested rat hole?

Expos Colorado has this exclusive

interview with former kitchen workers...

...who will tell a story that will curdle

your strudel.

What the f***?

We were undocumented aliens smuggled off

in a cargo container to work in the kitchen.

You gotta be kidding me.

It's very common for German restaurants

to use immigrant labor.

It's true, Sandy.

Tell us about the work conditions.

The biggest surprise,

other than the oppressive hours...

...was the unsanitary conditions.

Yeah. Last month my finger was cut off

with the cake mixer.

When my finger fell into the cake batter,

they didn't even stop.

- They just kept making the cupcakes.

- Dear Lord.

And the rats... Just yesterday I opened up

a bottle of Schnitzelgeigerbru...

...and guess what I found?

A rat fetus inside.

- It's true, Sandy.

- Rat fetus?

- Oh, my God.

- Goddamn it!

Now we really gotta kick

those guys' asses.

Absolutely.

Schnitzengiggle Tavern.

No, no. It was totally false.

It was a joke.

Yeah, I understand.

Canceled reservation.

Schnitzengiggle.

No, no, no. No rats. No rats at all.

We've been rat-free since 1976.

I promise...

All right, no problem.

- Another one?

- Yeah.

Schnitzengiggle.

No, I'm very happy

with my long-distance service.

Yes. This is a really bad time. Thanks.

God. Solicitors.

Take this one.

Schnitzengiggle Tavern.

- It's the health board.

- Hang up. Hang up.

- Give me this.

- Put that in the cooler.

Guys...

...l'm really sorry...

...but I gotta quit the team.

- What are you talking about?

I got fired from the lab

due to slipping performance.

So a couple of frogs didn't get

their around-the-world.

No, you don't understand.

I don't know how it happened,

but somehow...

...I cloned a batch of monkey-frogs.

Don't they hand out

Nobel Prizes for that?

Let me see that.

Let me see you little...

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!

What have you done?

Landfill?

What's wrong?

Krista said she couldn't handle

all the lies and the drinking anymore.

She took the kids and left.

Oh, my God.

You've got kids?

It's okay. It's okay. I'm okay.

I just need some time.

- Maybe a beer.

- Get him a beer.

Thank you.

Did you know he had kids?

Schwarzemaiden to Iron Eagle.

Come in, Iron Eagle.

Iron Eagle, are you there?

Mission accomplished.

Mission accomplished. I got it.

I got it.

Cherry?

Hey. Okay, now.

- Don't be rash, Phillip.

- How did they get to you?

I was in the employ of the von Wolfhausen

family long before I came to this stinkhole.

And now that I have

your precious beer recipe, I can go.

Well, you're gonna have to

get through me first.

What?

Yeah, girlfriend!

Come on!

Yeah!

Feel that pulling you down?

That's the yeast, baby.

It's like quicksand.

Say goodbye.

Love you.

Hey, Landfill, where are you, buddy?

Why don't we have a beer

and talk about it?

Lan...

No!

That's it. We're packing it in.

What, the team?

The team, the beer, the restaurant.

All of it.

- What? No, you're crazy...

- Jan. Let it go.

Our friend is dead.

It's over.

Landfill could eat a ton.

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