Beerfest Page #6

But he could also love a ton.

He had this habit

of swallowing his food whole.

I called him "The Tiger Shark."

I used to joke

that if you cut open his belly...

...you would find a license plate

and a tire and half of an 8-year-old boy.

One time, he farted an entire plum.

I was plumb surprised.

I always told him

to try to chew his food better...

...but he never listened to me.

But that was Landfill.

He was a fat a**hole.

But...

...he was my fat a**hole.

- Hello.

- Hey, Laurie. How are you?

- God, you're looking good.

- Thanks, Barry.

Wow, what have you been up to?

Me, l...

- Working on bridges. Under bridges.

- Like an architect?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Still in contact with the Silo?

- The Silo.

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Sorry. Hi.

Good to see you.

- Krista, I'm so sorry.

- Thank you. Thank you for coming.

I appreciate it. Thank you.

- Krista, I can't begin to tell you how sorry...

- You should be ashamed of yourself.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Great Gam Gam.

What are you doing here?

I too came to pay my respects

to a good man.

But unlike you, I am not weeping.

We're not weeping. We're mourning.

Our friend just committed suicide.

- When were you going to tell me?

- Tell you what?

That you are not competing in Beerfest.

- How did you know about that?

- One death.

- We should see if they got crab cakes left.

- Oh, great idea.

Stay put, you.

I want you all to hear the true story...

...of the Baron Ludwig von Wolfhausen,

who fell in love...

...with a beautiful young Bavarian whore.

So you really were a whore?

What do you think this is?

You said you got kicked

in the face by a Clydesdale.

This is the mark of the whore.

It was a simple time, a beautiful time.

You see, the Baron Ludwig

and I were in love.

But we had to keep our love secret...

...because he was married

to a young baroness.

We also had to keep

your grandfather's birth a secret...

...because he was

the baron's first-born son.

Wait, Grandpa was the first-born?

Yes.

But the baroness found out about it,

me and my young Johan...

...and had us tarred and feathered

and run out of town.

You two are the rightful heirs

to the von Wolfhausen brewery.

You should have the balls

to take back what is yours.

Wow, you even talk like a whore.

We are all whores in some way,

Mr. Finkelstein.

She's right.

You boys are a team, und a good one.

If you can't do it for your grandfather

or your country or your dead friend...

...do it for yourselves.

- I'm in.

- Me too.

- Hell, yeah! I'm in.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- I can't do it.

I can't play Pong.

It happened a couple years after college.

I was in Thailand,

playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang.

I was in a real high-stakes game

in some opium den.

Turned out the guys I was playing

aren't the kind of guys who like to lose.

After I beat them...

...they beat me.

Worked me over pretty good.

And this is hard to say...

...but they held me down...

...and they shoved

a Ping-Pong paddle up my ass.

It's never been the same.

I'm damaged goods.

Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what I would do if somebody

shoved a paddle handle up my ass.

Wasn't the handle.

I've been shitting pancakes ever since.

Mr. Badrinath...

...we are not so different, you and I.

I've had all kinds of things

shoved up my ass.

I got over it.

You will too.

You will too.

- So much to digest in there.

- Yeah.

Calgon, take me away.

You guys are my family.

Without you, I got nothing.

Let's do this for Landfill...

...and for Johan...

...and for Great Gam Gam.

One question.

Who we gonna get to replace Landfill?

Now, this is the party

I was hoping to find.

Landfill? You're alive?

No, I'm not Landfill.

I'm Landfill's twin brother, Gil.

- Gil?

- Gil?

I taught Landfill

everything he knew about drinking beer.

I wanna fulfill his legacy

by taking his place on your team.

- You must be Fink.

- How'd you know?

Landfill told me everything about you.

I feel like I know all you guys.

So we won't have that awkward

get-to-know-each-other stage.

- Perfect.

- And if I could just ask one favor.

- Name it.

- lf it wouldn't be too uncomfortable...

...I was hoping maybe you guys

could call me Landfill, in honor of him.

- Yeah, sure, sure.

- Sure.

It'd be like we never lost Landfill.

Landfill...

...it would be an honor

if you would join us.

Cheers.

Oh, my God, he's faster than Landfill.

Oh, my God, what is that, bratwurst?

- He even smells like Landfill.

- God, someone open a window, fast.

Wait!

- I wanna bask in it.

- Yeah, yeah. Just let it be.

Welcome back, Landfill.

Hey, let's go get sour on some Krauts.

Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Come on!

Yeah!

Landfill Two,

you are twice the man Landfill One was.

Well, thank you, little lady.

Yeah!

Are we lost?

The thing about it is, you know,

we were sh*t-faced when he took us there.

- What?

- Really drunk.

We been training for an entire year,

lost our jobs and our family...

...and you don't know where this is?

- You haven't been training.

- Can it, college boy!

- "College boy"? I thought you...

- Hey, guys. Please, give it a rest.

- You know what? I got an idea.

It might work. I did this study in college:

Finkelstein's Theory on Effects of Alcohol

on the Temporal Lobes.

- English.

- Drunken recall.

I made people drink massive quantities, then

taught things while they were blacked out.

Now, in the morning,

they had no recollection of it.

But when I got them drunk again,

they remembered.

- Bullshit.

- Now you're coming after me?

Cowboy on one side,

Indian on the other. It's the Wild West.

- I got it published.

- Where?

Maxim magazine, under the title

"E Equals MC Hammered."

- All right, let's do this.

- Which one of you two was more wasted?

- He was.

- He was.

All right, okay, I was.

I actually hadn't eaten much that day.

Anything?

Sorry. But I have been training

for a beer-drinking competition.

Drink.

- Sober as a bird.

- All right. Enough f***ing around.

Here. Try this.

The password!

- That was great.

- That was last year's password!

Oh, come on.

- That's cheap.

- Sh*t.

I got an idea.

The pa...!

Silence.

The old Trojan keg.

Very clever for Americans.

- Now get them out of here.

- Hang on, hang on, hang on.

We're here to honor our grandfather,

Johan von Wolfhausen.

The stableboy thief?

No. Your half-brother.

Your older half-brother and rightful heir

to the von Wolfhausen brewery.

Oh, please.

Johan wasn't even Ludwig's

true offspring.

No?

Look at the portrait.

Not a true offspring?

I'd say it looks pretty close to me, eh?

You know the von Wolfhausen brewery

is our brewery.

Even if your silly fairy tale was true,

we have a little saying in Mnchen.

Get the f*** out of here.

- Guards.

- Wait, wait!

We came here to drink some beer.

Are you gonna let us do that, or are you

afraid of getting your asses stomped?

Let them drink!

Yeah! Let them compete!

Let them drink!

Let them drink!

Let them drink!

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