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Beerfest Page #6
But he could also love a ton.
He had this habit
of swallowing his food whole.
I called him "The Tiger Shark."
I used to joke
that if you cut open his belly...
...you would find a license plate
and a tire and half of an 8-year-old boy.
One time, he farted an entire plum.
I was plumb surprised.
I always told him
to try to chew his food better...
...but he never listened to me.
But that was Landfill.
He was a fat a**hole.
But...
...he was my fat a**hole.
- Hello.
- Hey, Laurie. How are you?
- God, you're looking good.
- Thanks, Barry.
Wow, what have you been up to?
Me, l...
- Working on bridges. Under bridges.
- Like an architect?
Yeah. Yeah.
- Still in contact with the Silo?
- The Silo.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Sorry. Hi.
Good to see you.
- Krista, I'm so sorry.
- Thank you. Thank you for coming.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
- Krista, I can't begin to tell you how sorry...
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Great Gam Gam.
What are you doing here?
I too came to pay my respects
to a good man.
But unlike you, I am not weeping.
We're not weeping. We're mourning.
Our friend just committed suicide.
- When were you going to tell me?
- Tell you what?
That you are not competing in Beerfest.
- How did you know about that?
- One death.
- We should see if they got crab cakes left.
- Oh, great idea.
Stay put, you.
I want you all to hear the true story...
...of the Baron Ludwig von Wolfhausen,
who fell in love...
...with a beautiful young Bavarian whore.
So you really were a whore?
What do you think this is?
You said you got kicked
in the face by a Clydesdale.
This is the mark of the whore.
It was a simple time, a beautiful time.
You see, the Baron Ludwig
and I were in love.
But we had to keep our love secret...
...because he was married
to a young baroness.
We also had to keep
your grandfather's birth a secret...
...because he was
the baron's first-born son.
Wait, Grandpa was the first-born?
Yes.
But the baroness found out about it,
me and my young Johan...
...and had us tarred and feathered
and run out of town.
You two are the rightful heirs
to the von Wolfhausen brewery.
You should have the balls
to take back what is yours.
Wow, you even talk like a whore.
We are all whores in some way,
Mr. Finkelstein.
She's right.
You boys are a team, und a good one.
If you can't do it for your grandfather
or your country or your dead friend...
...do it for yourselves.
- I'm in.
- Me too.
- Hell, yeah! I'm in.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- I can't do it.
I can't play Pong.
It happened a couple years after college.
I was in Thailand,
playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang.
I was in a real high-stakes game
in some opium den.
Turned out the guys I was playing
aren't the kind of guys who like to lose.
After I beat them...
...they beat me.
Worked me over pretty good.
And this is hard to say...
...but they held me down...
...and they shoved
a Ping-Pong paddle up my ass.
It's never been the same.
I'm damaged goods.
Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what I would do if somebody
shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Wasn't the handle.
I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Mr. Badrinath...
...we are not so different, you and I.
I've had all kinds of things
shoved up my ass.
I got over it.
You will too.
You will too.
- So much to digest in there.
- Yeah.
Calgon, take me away.
You guys are my family.
Without you, I got nothing.
Let's do this for Landfill...
...and for Johan...
...and for Great Gam Gam.
One question.
Who we gonna get to replace Landfill?
Now, this is the party
I was hoping to find.
Landfill? You're alive?
No, I'm not Landfill.
I'm Landfill's twin brother, Gil.
- Gil?
- Gil?
I taught Landfill
everything he knew about drinking beer.
by taking his place on your team.
- You must be Fink.
- How'd you know?
Landfill told me everything about you.
I feel like I know all you guys.
So we won't have that awkward
get-to-know-each-other stage.
- Perfect.
- And if I could just ask one favor.
- Name it.
- lf it wouldn't be too uncomfortable...
...I was hoping maybe you guys
could call me Landfill, in honor of him.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
- Sure.
It'd be like we never lost Landfill.
Landfill...
...it would be an honor
if you would join us.
Cheers.
Oh, my God, he's faster than Landfill.
Oh, my God, what is that, bratwurst?
- He even smells like Landfill.
- God, someone open a window, fast.
Wait!
- I wanna bask in it.
- Yeah, yeah. Just let it be.
Welcome back, Landfill.
Hey, let's go get sour on some Krauts.
Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Come on!
Yeah!
Landfill Two,
you are twice the man Landfill One was.
Yeah!
Are we lost?
The thing about it is, you know,
we were sh*t-faced when he took us there.
- What?
- Really drunk.
We been training for an entire year,
lost our jobs and our family...
...and you don't know where this is?
- You haven't been training.
- Can it, college boy!
- "College boy"? I thought you...
- Hey, guys. Please, give it a rest.
- You know what? I got an idea.
It might work. I did this study in college:
Finkelstein's Theory on Effects of Alcohol
on the Temporal Lobes.
- English.
- Drunken recall.
I made people drink massive quantities, then
taught things while they were blacked out.
Now, in the morning,
they had no recollection of it.
But when I got them drunk again,
they remembered.
- Bullshit.
Cowboy on one side,
Indian on the other. It's the Wild West.
- I got it published.
- Where?
Maxim magazine, under the title
- All right, let's do this.
- Which one of you two was more wasted?
- He was.
- He was.
All right, okay, I was.
I actually hadn't eaten much that day.
Anything?
Sorry. But I have been training
for a beer-drinking competition.
Drink.
- Sober as a bird.
- All right. Enough f***ing around.
Here. Try this.
The password!
- That was great.
- That was last year's password!
Oh, come on.
- That's cheap.
- Sh*t.
I got an idea.
The pa...!
Silence.
The old Trojan keg.
Very clever for Americans.
- Now get them out of here.
- Hang on, hang on, hang on.
We're here to honor our grandfather,
Johan von Wolfhausen.
The stableboy thief?
No. Your half-brother.
Your older half-brother and rightful heir
to the von Wolfhausen brewery.
Oh, please.
Johan wasn't even Ludwig's
true offspring.
No?
Look at the portrait.
Not a true offspring?
I'd say it looks pretty close to me, eh?
You know the von Wolfhausen brewery
is our brewery.
Even if your silly fairy tale was true,
we have a little saying in Mnchen.
Get the f*** out of here.
- Guards.
- Wait, wait!
We came here to drink some beer.
Are you gonna let us do that, or are you
afraid of getting your asses stomped?
Let them drink!
Yeah! Let them compete!
Let them drink!
Let them drink!
Let them drink!
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"Beerfest" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/beerfest_3802>.
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