Before I Go to Sleep Page #3

Just something to calm you down,

not put you to sleep.

- I remember.

- You were confused.

We call it confabulation,

your imagination filling in the gaps

in your memory,

turning me into the man

who did this to you. Do you understand?

Ah...

- I want to talk to Ben.

- No.

No, I just found something out

and I need to talk to you about it

face-to-face.

Christine...

It's about Ben.

Who were you talking to?

When?

When I called earlier.

It went straight to voicemail.

Oh, I was trying to call you.

My name is Christine, Christine Lucas.

I'm 40 years old and I'm an amnesiac.

Tonight, as I sleep,

my mind will erase everything...

This isn't new for him.

His grief isn't new. Mine is.

You're vulnerable.

Vulnerable patients often develop

feelings for their psychiatrists.

It's common.

What's less common nowadays

is when those feelings are reciprocated.

We call it counter-transference.

It's unprofessional.

Completely unprofessional.

On my video,

I say that you're my only hope.

I'm referring you to an excellent

neuropsychiatrist at St Thomas's.

I say that we're making progress.

Christine, I can't go on treating you.

It wouldn't be ethical.

- Please.

- Christine.

She works out of the university

department at King's College.

- She's very good.

- I don't want her.

I want you. You're fixing me.

When I called you this morning,

you'd already watched your video diary.

You remembered.

Yes. Yes!

Unfortunately, what you remember one day

you may not necessarily

remember the next.

Even the most significant things.

What things?

Ben had you transferred

from the psychiatric hospital in 2007

to an adult community care centre.

I rang the administrator the other day

to arrange a visit.

It seems your friend Claire

has been trying to get in touch.

This is her number.

The administrator asked

how you were and I told her.

She became extremely confused.

Why?

Well, according to her records,

Ben divorced you four years ago.

Hi, you've reached Claire.

Leave a message.

Claire, it's, uh...

It's Christine Lucas.

Um, I really need to talk to you.

Can you call me, please?

My number is, uh, zero...

- We're divorced, aren't we?

- Who told you?

Who told me? No one.

I'm remembering things.

- Really?

- Yes.

- You sure?

- Yes.

- You're remembering an awful lot lately.

- Stay away.

Just tell me the f***ing truth.

Why did you divorce me?

- Why did you divorce me?

- You want the truth?

- Yes.

- I'll tell you the truth!

We had a little boy.

And he got very sick very suddenly

and we lost him.

I walked away. I was in bits.

I came back and I'm here.

I'll never leave you, Chris. Never.

I'm sorry.

Hello?

Chrissy?

Claire?

Oh, my God, Chrissy, darling,

is that really you?

Yes, it's me.

You call me Chrissy.

I kept ringing the care centre.

Did they tell you?

They gave me your old address

and all my letters were returned.

Every day, every single day,

I've been waiting for this phone

to ring, hoping it might be you.

They, um... They told me

that you moved away.

- Moved away?

- Yes.

- Whatever gave you that idea?

- Um...

Oh, my God, Chrissy.

I've missed you so much.

- Oh...

- How are you?

Um...

Well, I can't remember a f***ing thing

but otherwise I'm fine.

- Where are you?

- Um...

I'm at home. I'm with Ben.

And I really need to see you.

Can I see you?

Yeah. Um...

I'd rather not come to you, Chris.

Why?

It's difficult to explain

over a phone...

How about we meet at the Observatory?

Um...

- The Observe...

- Ln Greenwich.

I could be there in an hour.

Will you be okay?

Yes, I'm fine and I'll be there.

Chrissy?

Chrissy, darling, it's me, Claire.

Claire.

Oh...

I remember you.

Yeah?

Oh...

I've missed you, I've missed you,

I've missed you!

I remember you.

I've missed you so much.

Oh...

This is amazing.

Was I a good mother?

Oh, Chrissy.

Nobody was more loved than Adam.

Ben used to rush home from work

just to see his little boy.

Adam was so like him at that age.

Even then he was just as handsome

as his daddy.

Who did this to me?

Things were tough.

You were juggling looking after Adam

and starting a new teaching job.

You and Ben were arguing a lot.

I said I'd look after Adam

two afternoons a week.

After a month or so back at work,

you seemed to get better, you...

You even started dressing differently.

I didn't realise

what it was at the time.

I met someone?

I asked you.

You denied it at first

but you knew I wasn't stupid.

We had an argument.

Eventually, you told me the truth.

I didn't tell you his name?

You wouldn't give me

any details about him.

Did Ben know?

Not until the police found you.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, poor Ben.

I had to tell him, Chrissy.

Wife already told the police.

I had no choice.

No wonder he keeps lying to me.

Well, that's Ben.

- Protecting you.

- Maybe.

Or maybe he thinks we just can't

come to terms with the truth.

I mean, he still lies to me

about the attack

and he never talks to me about you.

Well...

There's a reason why

he doesn't talk about me to you.

Why?

After your accident,

I tried to help out.

You can imagine how hard it was for Ben

looking after Adam.

I did what I could.

We spent a lot of time together.

One day, after visiting you, he just...

collapsed.

He said he couldn't go on any more.

I...

I put my arms around him.

We got carried away.

It only happened once.

I felt so bad.

We both felt so bad.

I decided I owed it to both of you

to stay away

so I just...

disappeared.

I'm so sorry.

Well, you can hardly blame us,

Christine, after your affair.

You don't know how lucky you are.

You have never known

how lucky you are to have Ben.

- I have to go.

- Oh, Chrissy...

- Ben will be home soon and...

- Please.

- He'll worry if I'm not there.

- Look, just wait.

Ben sent this to me

shortly before you separated.

He asked me to give it to you

if you were ever well enough to read it.

I'm so glad that you are.

I don't expect you to believe me

but I care about you, Christine.

A lot.

It's all right.

"My darling Christine,

"I can't bear to say the words

"but I have decided to leave you.

"I've tried so hard

to find another way, Chris.

"Please believe me.

"You loved Adam,

"even if you couldn't

consciously remember him.

"He would run into your arms

and you would pick him up

"and for a while, you sensed who he was.

"Then you started to believe

"that Adam had been taken away from you

when he was a baby.

"Every time you saw him,

you thought it was for the first time.

"Wife ask him to tell you

when he last saw you, and he'd say,

"'Yesterday, Mummy. '

"But you wouldn't believe him.

"One day you attacked me,

grabbed Adam and ran.

"He started screaming.

"Later, I tried to explain

but he didn't understand.

"He became frightened

to come and see you.

"I left it a few days and then called

to find out how you were.

"They said you were happy.

"When I asked them

if you remembered us,

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