Behaving Badly Page #9

the you-f***ing-Pam-Bender thing,

it caught me by surprise,

but I know more about you

than you think I do.

But...

Shut up and listen to your mother.

Nothing you've done

cannot be undone.

You go, you tell this Nina

Pennington how you really feel.

Well, she doesn't

want to talk to me.

I don't blame her. I was a douche.

You only get one chance, but... Oh!

What if I blew that chance?

Well, you can't make

her forgive you,

but you can do what it takes

to make things right with her.

Don't be like your

father... be a man.

It's like the first time

we've had a conversation

where you were cognisant.

- Alright, here we go.

- Seriously?

- Wait! Wait. Can we just...

- Too late.

Oh, c*nt-licking,

motherfucking whore-cock!

I totally had you going.

- You're not gonna maim me?

- No.

Anyone who can make my

douche bag dad sweat

is alright by me.

Oh, thank you so much,

Karlis. Thank you.

I was an a**hole to make

this bet in the first place.

And, oh, you can tell your family

that my dad's not a mob

boss... he's just a dick.

Well, I will let my dad think

otherwise for a while.

- We're good.

- Thank you.

OK, see you.

I know you must be super busy,

so I really appreciate you

taking the time to meet with me.

At the rate your family and

friends keep going to jail,

you should put me on a

permanent retainer.

It would be cheaper.

- Did you go to Stanford?

- Best four years of my life.

Mind you, I'm surprised

I can still walk

and that I don't have chlamydia.

Hey, what does that red

seal on the envelope mean?

If I told you, I'd

have to kill you.

No, seriously, what you

don't know can't hurt me.

Are you gonna be able to get

any of those charges dropped?

I take it you kind

of like this girl.

A lot, and she wants

nothing to do with me.

And seeing as I'm the one

that got her in this mess,

I want to get her out.

Alright, I'll do it for 2,000.

$2,000? I don't have that.

How much do you have?

Around $37.

But at least I still

have my pinkies.

Pinkies are overrated,

unless they're in the stink.

That can be the down payment,

and for the rest, I am looking

for a part-time file clerk.

You can work it off, or sell

a kidney. I know a guy.

- I guess I choose file clerk.

- Welcome to the firm.

Thanks for getting me out.

Well, Billy, you are my best friend

and I do feel somewhat responsible.

Hey, wait, how'd you get the money?

- He's my b*tch now.

- Oh!

Speaking of b*tches, Kevin

Carpenter is still in there.

How's he doing?

Let's just say it

wasn't a broomstick

that took his butt cherry.

Mom! Hey, it's me!

Hey! Hi!

Were you coming to get me out?

Yes, of course I was, darling.

Who are you? Shouldn't

you be wearing a bra?

I'm Rick's attorney,

and his new boss for

the next 20 years.

Billy, you could take a

lesson from your friend

and get a job yourself.

That's very responsible

of you, Richard.

Thanks. OK.

'Bye, Rick. Hey, Mom,

can we get Slurpees?

So, make sure to wear your

tight jeans on Monday.

Yeah, about that...

What's that?

Just a rather incriminating

letter to you

from Father Krumins.

You know, your friend, the

head of the Lithuanian mafia.

Are you blackmailing me?

No, I thought you

should have it back.

Thanks.

- And let's make it 10 years.

- Deal.

See you Monday.

At least 'Jugs' offered me

$10,000 for a pictorial.

You're going to hell

in a hand basket.

Well, she's going

to Stanford first.

What?

My boss is an alumni.

The dean owed her a

favour for some reason.

- You're not a dick!

- That's my girl.

That's a pretty big closet.

And it's time you came out of it.

What?

Now you can stop being

mean to everyone

and just be honest with yourself.

- And start dressing better.

- We won't love you any less.

- You knew?

- A mother always knows.

Besides, you work out your glutes,

like, five times a week.

- Here.

- What's this?

Your divorce papers. All you

have to do is sign them.

I don't know. I hate the

thought of being alone.

You're not.

Oh!

Ohh!

Butch.

Even though you didn't die,

we still remembered

to feed the dog.

And you've always got us, Mom.

I need a drink.

Oh, Superman

I don't wanna hit the ground

I don't wanna hit the ground

I don't wanna hit the ground

Oh, Superman

Oh, Superman...

Damn it, watch where

you're walking.

Are you OK?

- Nina, hi. I'm sorry.

- Rick...

Before you tell me to go away,

just let me tell you one thing.

Look, I know I messed

everything up,

I...I have a lot of insecurities

and I do really stupid

things sometimes.

Well, a lot of the time.

All I ever wanted was

for you to like me,

and think that I was cool...

which I'm not.

I let a lot of stuff get in

the way of the fact that...

I really like you so much.

Rick...

I do think that you're cool.

You do?

You're right, though...

you are a complete idiot.

But I like you.

And I heard what you

said to your family

and I thought that it

showed a lot of character.

Well, I like to help people.

Actually I do. It's

not even bullshit.

It really does...

it does feel good.

Then I guess we have a lot

more in common than I thought.

Go for it.

I don't wanna hit the ground

I don't wanna hit the ground

I don't wanna hit the ground

Oh, Superman

Oh, Superman

I don't wanna hit the ground

I don't wanna hit the ground...

And we all lived

happily ever after.

Well, some more than others.

Annette Stratton-Osborne

welcomes you

to the grand re-opening

of Pomme-teri,

where the men are hot

and everything's legal.

- I'm gay!

- I gathered.

Alright, ladies, next

up we have a new guy.

Please give it up for Sparky!

Whoo! He's young, but he's legal.

Sparky likes long walks

on the beach and kittens.

You're Principal Poole's secretary.

And a finger up his ass.

- Show us some cock!

- No, no, no.

Oh, no, baby, get back there.

Sparky! Sparky! Sparky!

- Not with the plunger.

- Sparky! Sparky! Sparky!

Oh, Billy Bender!

Mom? What are you doing here?

I, uh, my car... broke down.

- Here's another, Pam.

- Oh, thank you so much.

You told me to get a job.

A job where you keep your

clothes on. Look at you.

Look at you.

Ladies, I made him do push-ups

every single day for

the last seven years.

Huh? Huh?

Ma'am, you're gonna

have to sit down.

- Young man, is that a boner?

- Oh!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

My mom... A boner...

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna be so grounded.

Mom?

I'm not your mother. I am a saint.

And you, my dear, have been

a very naughty little boy.

- If it's about the stripping...

- No.

No, I'm more concerned

with those library books.

They're very late

and you're never gonna

get those pages unstuck.

Ohhh!

Billy Bender!

Headed for the open door

Tell me what you're waiting for

Look across the great divide

Soon they're gonna hear the

sound, the sound, the sound

When we come running

Never go where we belong

Echoes in the dead of night

Soon they're gonna know the

sound, the sound, the sound

- When we come running

- Whoa-oh

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