Being Charlie Page #5

- We don't know that.

- I think we do.

Now, I'm not here to talk

about other people's penises,

okay? I'm here

to talk about my own.

Now, as you all know,

when you enter rehab,

you get strip-searched.

If I had known that

that would be the last time

that anybody

would touch my balls,

I would have tried

to enjoy it more.

All right, you're done.

You're done.

You know, and there's

this beautiful couch

in the halfway house,

this soft, plush leather,

and if I don't get action soon,

I'm gonna f*** it.

I'm gonna f*** that couch.

- All right?

- Okay.

- Oh, shiela, you look

- a little winded there, huh?

- That's enough.

You got to try meth, okay?

It's bad for the complexion.

You kinda lose your mind,

but it's great for keeping

the old weight down.

Hey! That is

entirely inappropriate.

Inappropriate?

- In this crowd, Drake?

- Yeah.

Listen, raise your hand if you

ever sold your ass for drugs!

Huh?!

You were funny, man.

Heh. Thanks.

I can't publicly endorse

what you did,

but you got something.

It's not for everybody.

It's for you,

just being up there.

I don't know.

Yeah, you do.

You just got to stay focused,

keep doing what you're doing.

You been killing it

since you got here.

Thanks, man.

You know,

I'm actually considering

giving you an overnight.

Really?

Yeah.

But the shiela fat jokes

are going to cost you

toilet duty for a week.

You're really

getting in there, dude.

Got to embrace the work.

I don't know.

As a recovering junkie,

I'm pretty hesitant

to get on my knees.

Hey, unlike you,

that does not bring back

any memories.

Hey, I never sucked dick.

Good for you.

Some guy did blow me once,

though.

What?

It was for some h.

Some guy sucked your dick

for heroin?

Sure. Why is it

such a big deal?

I'm not gay.

I was desperate.

But you gave some guy heroin

to suck your dick,

so technically speaking...

wait. No, no, no, no.

He gave me the h.

I was jonesing.

Oh.

Wait. That doesn't

make any sense.

It was a f***ed-up time.

I'm not proud of it.

Hold... but wait. Wait.

Hold on. Hold on.

Some guy gave you heroin

to suck your dick?

Yeah.

It's not that complicated.

- But...

- addiction is a disease, man!

No, I get why you did it.

I get what you got out of it.

- What does he get out of it?

- F*** if I know.

Ah, I can't believe

I'm saying this,

but that doesn't sound

like such a bad deal.

Yeah, if you close your eyes

and think of Jessica alba,

it's really not

that much of a difference.

Although he had,

like, this goatee.

Stop.

Yo, Travis,

do you think it's gay...

if you got to ask,

the answer is yes.

Good work, Charlie.

Thanks.

What the hell are you doing?

I get more leverage

when I use my foot.

That's a mark right there.

F***.

One more week of this sh*t.

Maybe if you let him blow you.

F*** you.

So I spoke

to Charlie's counselor,

and according

to the house manager,

he has been a model member.

- He got an extension...

- I'm sorry to interrupt.

Mr. mills, I just want

to shake your hand.

Oh, thank you.

- Ah, man, yeah.

- Hi.

We're all pulling for you.

Appreciate it.

And I'm a big fan of your films.

- Thank you so much.

- Yo, ho, ho,

- and the battle's begun.

Yeah.

Thank you, man.

You got it.

Take care.

Well, I told you.

He's just a regular guy.

Got to love those likely voters.

Mmm.

- So as I was saying...

- Yeah.

I spoke to Charlie's counselor,

and they are inclined

to give him an overnight pass

this weekend,

but we both

have to sign off on it.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm not sure

that's such a good idea, honey.

Why not?

Well, because we're only

three weeks away

from the election.

He's been sober for months.

Honey, just three weeks.

Well, I already told him

we would sign off on it.

- What?

- Yeah.

- Honey. Honey.

- How many more times

do we have to talk about this?

He is even more handsome

in person.

Oh, hey. Ah, thank you.

- Oh, look at those eyes.

- Ah, thank you.

What the f***, man?!

I just sent it to a few friends.

- F***!

- This girl I've been seeing

is on this

student activities thing

that books comics

for college shows.

- She loved you.

- Great. Great.

I'm glad some random girl

you're boning thinks I'm funny.

- I can die happy now.

- I thought I was helping.

You're not helping.

I was this f***ing close

to getting

an overnight with Eva,

and if this video gets out,

it's done.

Sorry, man. F***.

I didn't think about that.

It's all right.

I just... I worked

really hard for this.

Well, a wise man once said

work makes you free.

Pretty sure the Nazis said that.

No.

I heard it in class.

It was first said by

this German writer in the 1800s

about the cleansing nature

of work.

And the Nazis put that sh*t

on a big sign outside Auschwitz.

- Really?

- Yeah.

The Nazis stole

all the good ideas.

Dad.

Hey, Charlie.

Something I wanted

to talk to you about.

Yeah.

Listen, are you with mom?

No, she... she went out. Why?

Well, just...

look, there's this pass

that I been meaning

to talk to you about.

My house manager says...

yeah, that's what

i wanted to discuss.

I don't think

it's such a good idea right now.

You need more time.

No, dad, I think

you need more time.

You know,

have a great f***ing day. F***!

Hey, brother in recovery.

Hey.

You up for some fellowship?

Got my pass.

I got it.

I got this cousin in Marina

to sign off on it.

I'm all yours.

Eva, i...

stop, please.

God, i-i want you

to f*** me.

Stop. Eva, stop.

Stop.

I didn't get it.

- What?

- I didn't get the pass.

- My dad pulled the plug.

- What are you talking about?

Charlie, I can't do this.

- I just can't do this any...

- look, hey, come on.

Don't say that. Stop.

We have nothing.

That's not true. It's not true.

Yeah, that's right.

We have our sobriety.

A Jewish fella and a chinaman

were standing on a corner,

arguing about who the greatest

man that ever lived.

An irishman walked up.

He said, "if you tell me

who the greatest man

that ever lived,

I'll give you $500 in cash."

So the chinaman said,

"chiang Kai-shek."

He said, "nah."

And then the Jewish fella

says, "Saint Patrick?"

He said, "you're right,"

reached his hand in his pocket,

gave him the $500,

and walked away.

And the Jewish fella

looked at the $500.

He said, "i had Moses in mind,

but business is business."

Charlie.

Charlie.

Wake up, man.

Mm. No.

What'd you say?

Scrub your own f***ing toilets.

What the hell

are you talking about?

It's your pass today.

What?

Yeah.

You been riding me

about an overnight

since you got here.

Now you don't want to leave?

Your ride is outside.

Come on.

- What?

- Yeah.

- Hey.

- Hi.

How'd you convince dad?

Mm, so you're going to need

a place to stay.

How 'bout the beach house?

Why are you doing this?

Because you earned it.

Why don't you ever

take me someplace nice?

'Cause I don't like you

that much.

Wow.

Got to stab a lot of people

with fake swords to get this.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes