Being John Malkovich Page #14

AGENT:

Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about

the c*nt at reception. Please have a

seat.

Malkovich and Maxine sit.

AGENT (CONT'D)

Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water?

MAXINE:

No thanks.

AGENT:

(into phone)

Teresa, get me a chicken soup.

(to Malkovich and Maxine)

Chicken soup?

Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no."

MALKOVICH:

I'll get right to the point, Larry.

I'm a puppet now...

AGENT:

Okay.

MALKOVICH:

I'm being controlled by the world's

greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz...

AGENT:

(no clue)

Oh yeah, he's good.

MALKOVICH:

... and I want to show off his skills

by performing a one-puppet

extravaganza in Reno.

MAXINE:

Vegas.

MALKOVICH:

Vegas. Can you arrange that?

AGENT:

Sure, sure. Just let me make a

couple of calls.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY

The cult members are still there, now with picks

shovels. They are worn out and sweaty. The portal is

excavated, but it seems ragged and destroyed. Man #2

emerges from the hole, a rope tied around his waist.

MAN #2

That's the last of it, boss.

Lester peers through the door.

LESTER:

Well, let's see what we've got

here.

Lester crawls into the tunnel, the door slams behind

him.

CUT TO:

INT. PORTAL - CONTINUOUS

Lester crawls through. There is a slurping sound and a

flash of light.

CUT TO:

INT. BUNKER - DAY

The scene is in black and white. Bombs are dropping.

There is a blonde in forties clothes there. Lester

views the scene through somebody's POV.

LESTER (V.O.)

My God, where am I? This seems so

familiar.

The person walks past a mirror. It's Hitler.

LESTER (V.O.)

My God, I'm Hitler in the bunker!

Aaaahhhh! Aaaah!

DIRECTOR:

Cut!

We look over to see a director and camera crew.

LESTER (V.O.)

Oh, I'm just the actor in that

Twilight Zone episode.

There is a popping sound.

CUT TO:

EXT. DITCH - DAY

Lester pops into the ditch. One of his cult members is

waiting with a car, and looking hopeful. Lester sadly

shakes his head "no."

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - DAY

The cult members mill about, drinking coffee, chatting.

Lester enters with the cult member who picked him up at

the ditch. All quiet down and look over at him.

LESTER:

Thank you all for your efforts,

but I'm afraid we can no longer get

into Malkovich through the portal.

LOTTE:

(panicky)

Why not? I need to get in there!

LESTER:

I'm not certain, my dear, but I

believe your husband has somehow

psychically diverted the route.

LOTTE:

That bastard! I'll gladly dispose

of him in the name of the order, Son

of Malkovich.

LESTER:

I'm afraid that no physical harm

must come to him as long as he

inhabits the vessel.

MAN #3

(raises hand)

Oooh, I got an idea! What if we

build another portal to Malkovich,

like around back, and sneak in that

way?

MAN #4

Only Captain Mertin knew how to build

a portal, dummy, and he's dead!

LESTER:

Actually, my friends, I suppose its

time I told you, I'm Captain James

Mertin.

The members fall into a stunned silence. Lester takes

some refrigerator magnets and spells out L-E-S-T-E-R on

a board. He then rearranges them for a while.

LESTER (CONT'D)

You see, Lester is an anagram for

Mertin.

Lester continues to rearrange the letters, getting a little

tense now.

LESTER (CONT'D)

It used to work, I'm sure of it.

Several members check their watches.

LESTER (CONT'D)

Oh, damn it to hell. Anyway, I am.

L-E-S-T-E-R has been left as E-L R-E-S-T as Lester turns

from the board to face the congregation.

MAN #3

How can this be? I thought you were

only one hundred and five years old.

Mertin would have to be...

LESTER:

(chuckles amiably)

I'm two hundred and five, truth be

told.

WOMAN #1

(flirtatiously)

You don't look a day over one

hundred and five, Captain. What's

your secret?

LESTER:

Lots of carrot juice, little lady.

That, and a deal with the Devil.

There is a lot of murmuring in the room now.

MAN #2

So what exactly are you saying? Are

we in cahoots with the Dark Master

here?

LESTER:

Surprise.

The cultists get tense, start to leave en masse.

LESTER (CONT'D)

Wait! It's not that bad! When we get

into Malkovich, we still get to rule

the world, just like I told you. The

only difference is that we rule in the

name of evil, instead of good.

People stop in their tracks.

MAN #3

That's the only difference?

LESTER:

Absolutely.

The cultists think about is, then shrug and stay put.

LESTER (CONT'D)

So anyway...

Lotte stands.

LOTTE:

Well, I for one, am resigning. I will

not serve evil. I am ashamed of all

of you.

Lotte heads for the door.

LESTER:

My dear, let me assure you that when

we attain power, it will be much more

pleasant for those inside Malkovich,

than for those outside.

Lotte stops and turns.

LOTTE:

I'll take my chances.

She exits.

LESTER:

Anybody else?

WOMAN #1

Do we get to wear a crown?

LESTER:

But of course.

WOMAN #1

Count me in.

LESTER:

Good. I think its time to beckon

Mr. Flemmer. Perhaps He can help us

out of this pickle.

FLIP TO:

INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - A BIT LATER

Mr. Flemmer, a silver-haired gentleman in turtleneck and

blazer, scratches his head. The cultists patiently watch

him.

FLEMMER:

Boy, this is a toughie. To be honest,

I didn't anticipate this.

LESTER:

And as I said, sir, we can't very

well exert physical persuasion upon

the sacred vessel Malkovich.

FLEMMER:

Right, Lester. I heard you the first

time. I'm not a dummy.

LESTER:

Didn't mean to imply that you were,

sir.

FLEMMER:

Look, I'm going back to my house

to ponder this. So stay calm and

keep track of Schwartz's comings

and goings. Oh, and somebody dispose

of Schwartz's wife, will you?

(to cultists)

Nice to meet you all.

The cult members ad-lib "same here, sir."

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Lotte site in the living room, in her pajamas, softly

sobbing. The caged animals watch her.

LOTTE:

Oh, my friends. Be thankful you're

not human. People are treacherous

and greedy and corrupt. I've lost

my heart to two of them and I almost

lost my soul to another. And I'm no

better. Look at the way I keep you,

locked in cages, for my own enjoyment.

Well, I've been in a cage too, my

friends. Literally and figuratively.

So tonight I set you free.

Lotte opens the windows and the front door, then unlocks

all the cages. The animals scurry and fly out of their

cages, and out of the house. Lotte watches silently until

she is alone.

LOTTE (CONT'D)

Good-bye, friends.

A hand reaches for hers. She looks down. Elijah is still

there and holding her hand. She smiles.

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