Being John Malkovich Page #13

LOTTE:

Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr.

Lester.

LESTER:

Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must

inform you that I find that highly

arousing.

LOTTE:

No, you don't understand. I've been

inside Malkovich when I'm with

Maxine...

LESTER:

(slaps Lotte furiously)

What?! That is not allowed. My God,

you are supposed to be one of us.

You know you must never partake of

Malkovich by yourself!

LOTTE:

No, I didn't know that.

LESTER:

Oh, didn't anyone show you the

indoctrination video?

LOTTE:

No.

LESTER:

Oh, sorry. Right this way.

CUT TO:

INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT

Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium.

The projector whirs. The screen lights up.

TITLE:
SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH

A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black

and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's.

LESTER ON FILM:

Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians.

As you may already know, today a

baby was born into this sad world.

We see a shot of a newborn.

LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D)

His name is John Horatio Hannibal

Malkovich. And we are the keepers

of the door to his soul. One day,

when his brain is big enough, we

will all journey into his head and

live there for all eternity. Following

the teachings of our leader Karl Marx,

we will build the ultimate communist

community, one body and hundreds,

maybe thousands, of brains inside

working together to form a super

human intellect capable of curing

disease, stopping all war, and

ruling the world with a benevolent

fist. We will take a wife, a woman

of uncommon beauty and intellect, who

is, as yet, still an infant herself.

We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in

her hair.

LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D)

Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella

DeMent.

LOTTE:

Does Floris know that she's the

chosen?

LESTER:

Well, I tried to explain it to her,

but...

Lester points to his ear and shrugs.

CUT TO:

INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite

relaxed.

MAXINE:

You still there, sweets?

MALKOVICH:

Yeah. I've figured out how to hold

on as long as I want. Oddly enough,

it's all in the wrists.

MAXINE:

Wow.

(little girl pout)

Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey.

MALKOVICH:

You mean with Malkovich?

MAXINE:

I'd love to see your work.

MALKOVICH:

(pleased)

Really? Yeah. Okay.

Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up.

MALKOVICH (CONT'D)

I'll do something I call "Craig's

Dance of Despair and Disillusionment."

Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper

did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same,

complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow.

He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping.

MAXINE:

(moved)

That was incredible. You're brilliant!

MALKOVICH:

You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing

with dolls.

MAXINE:

You're right, my darling, it's

so much more. It's playing with

people!

Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him.

MAXINE:

Stay in him forever?

MALKOVICH:

(as Malkovich, screaming)

No!

(as Craig, calmly)

But how will we make a living,

my love, if our clientele doesn't

have access to our product?

MAXINE:

Well, we'll have all the money in

Malkovich's bank account, plus he

still gets acting work occasionally.

MALKOVICH:

(as Malkovich, breaking through)

No! Please!

(as Craig, to Malkovich)

Shut up, will you? We're trying to

think here.

(to Maxine)

It is sort of like being a puppeteer.

I like that about it.

MAXINE:

No one would ever have to know its

not him.

MALKOVICH:

(an idea)

Wait a minute! What if everybody knew?

What if we presented Malkovich as the

world's most complicated puppet and

me as the only puppeteer sophisticated

enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor

with the Great Mantini!

MAXINE:

Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant!

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT

The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them.

LOTTE:

I have sinned, unwittingly, against

the community. And for this I am

truly sorry.

MAN #2

W-w-what's it like on the inside?

LOTTE:

Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable.

MAN #2

Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say

it's time.

LESTER:

Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're

all prepared, and perhaps this

Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand

a bit. We will enter the portal

tonight!

Everyone cheers.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal

with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the

office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops

just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself.

MALKOVICH:

(Craig to Malkovich)

Shut up!

(to Maxine)

Sorry, dear, I lost control for

a minute.

MAXINE:

(kissing him)

It's okay, my sweet.

They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound

of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies

open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst

in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start.

LESTER:

Aaaahhhh, the portal!

LOTTE:

(to Malkovich)

You bastard!

Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds

her back.

LESTER:

No! Don't harm the vessel!

LOTTE:

It's Craig in there, I can tell.

LESTER:

I understand, but we must protect

the vessel at all costs.

(to Malkovich)

Please, Craig, please step aside

and allow us to have what is

rightfully ours.

CRAIG:

Squatter's rights, Lester.

Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm

through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances

triumphantly over at Lotte.

MAXINE:

Now excuse us, we have an

entertainment legend to create.

LESTER:

(to the cult members)

Clear the way for them, my friends.

They will be dealt with in due time.

The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine

exit.

LESTER (CONT'D)

Now, let's see what we can do to

salvage this portal... for the sake

of all that is good.

The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and

begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement.

Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and

skin on the rough gray surface.

CUT TO:

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY

A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone.

AGENT:

Of course, send him right in. Don't

ever keep him waiting again. Do you

understand?

Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out

his hand.

AGENT (CONT'D)

John! Great to see you! Sorry about

the c*nt at reception.

MALKOVICH:

This is my fiancee Maxine.

The agent shakes Maxine's hand.

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