Being John Malkovich Page #4

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - DAY

Craig pours himself a cup of coffee. Maxine approaches

with an empty cup.

CRAIG:

Hello again.

Craig fills her cup.

MAXINE:

Yes, well...

CRAIG:

You know, I've been thinking about

what you said yesterday, about the

orientation film being a cover-up.

I think you're on to something.

MAXINE:

And fifty other lines to get into

a girl's pants.

CRAIG:

No, really.

MAXINE:

You know, if you ever got me, you

wouldn't have a clue what to do

with me. That's the thing, Romeo.

Maxine walks away.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT

Craig is at his workbench, painting the finishing touches

on a new puppet. It is beautiful. It is Maxine. Lotte

watches quietly from the door. A Lotte puppet hangs

from a hook, tangled and dusty.

LOTTE:

New puppet?

Craig is surprised, caught.

CRAIG:

Yeah, just an idea I had.

LOTTE:

She's very beautiful.

CRAIG:

(shrugging)

Just an idea I had.

Craig hangs the puppet, stands, and switches off the light.

CRAIG (CONT'D)

C'mon, let's go to bed.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The room is dark. Lotte snores lightly. Craig lies there

with his eyes open. Quietly, he gets up and leaves the

bedroom. Lotte watches him go.

CUT TO:

INT. GARAGE - NIGHT

Craig stands above the puppet stage. He is working both the

Craig puppet and the Maxine puppet at the same time. The

two perform a beautiful and graceful pas de deux. They

finish in a passionate embrace.

CRAIG:

(quietly)

I would too know what to do with you.

CUT TO:

INT. FILE ROOM - MORNING

Craig files. Floris watches him from the doorway. Dr.

Lester watches Floris from behind a cabinet.

FLORIS:

Oh, what magic those fingers could

work on the right “cabinet.”

(strokes Craig's neck)

Alphabetize me, baby. And don't

forget, I comes before U.

Floris laughs long and hard. Too long and too hard.

CRAIG:

Floris, you're very nice, but I'm

afraid I’m in love with somebody

else.

FLORIS:

(upset)

I'm afraid I... have no idea what

you are saying... you bastard!

Floris runs from the room. Lester pokes his head out from

behind the cabinet.

LESTER:

Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.

Why, if I were eighty years younger,

I'd box your ears.

CRAIG:

I wasn't toying with her, sir. I

was just... How old are you?

LESTER:

One hundred and five. Carrot juice.

(beat)

Lot's of it. I swear, it's almost

not worth it. I piss orange. Oh,

and I, have to piss sitting down...

like a godamn girly... every fifteen

minutes. But nobody wants to die,

Schwartz.

CRAIG:

I'll keep that in mind, sir.

LESTER:

No sir-e-bob, I don't die. But what

I do is get older, wrinkled like a

former plum that's become the

wrinkled prune you see before you.

Oh, to be a young man again, maybe

then Floris would care for me.

CRAIG:

The elderly have so much to offer,

sir. They are our link with history.

LESTER:

I don't want to be your godamn link,

damn you. I want to feel Floris'

naked thighs against my own. I want

to know passion. I want my body to

inspire lust in that beautiful,

complex woman. I want her to shiver

in a spasm of ecstasy when I

penetrate her. Oh, God, the agony

of the flesh, Schwartz.

CRAIG:

Dr. Lester, while I am flattered that

you share your feelings with me, I

believe perhaps the workplace is not

the most suitable environment for

this type of discussion.

LESTER:

All right. Meet me at the Juicy-Juice

Juice Bar after work today and I'll

spill my goddamn guts for you.

Lester exits.

CRAIG:

Sh*t.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - DAY

Craig squats next to a payphone.

CRAIG:

(into phone)

I won't be late. I just have to

listen to Lester's sexual fantasies

and drink carrot juice for a little

while. It's a job thing.

Maxine walks by. Craig grabs her arm, signals for her

to wait a minute. She waits.

CRAIG (CONT'D)

(into phone)

I gotta go back to work. Yeah,

okay. You too. Okay. Bye.

Craig hangs up.

MAXINE:

What?

CRAIG:

I just wanted to say “hi.” Did

you know I still don't know your

name or where you work?

MAXINE:

Yeah.

CRAIG:

How about this, if I can guess your

first name within three tries, you

have to come out for a drink with me

tonight.

MAXINE:

Why not?

CRAIG:

Great.

(watches her face as he guesses)

Buuuhhppaahhhhnnn. . . . .

Muhhhahhhhh. . . . . ahhhnnnaaa. .

nollltuuukkkaaaaralllll. . .

tashabararassssssuuuuusaaaaaaa. . .

nnnnnnnaaaaaannnnnnnnncccccceeeeeee

Mwaaaaaa. . . . .Mahhhhhkkkkk. . .

sssseeeeeen. Maxine?

MAXINE:

Who told you?

CRAIG:

I'm right?

MAXINE:

Who told you?

CRAIG:

That's incredible! Nobody told me!

I swear! It's kismet. Maxine!

It's a beautiful name. There's a

psychic connection. Don't you see?

It was meant to be! Maxine! Maxine!

Maxine! I will shout it from the

rooftops!

MAXINE:

Somebody told you.

CRAIG:

Oh, Maxine, nobody told me. Maxine,

Maxine. It just came out of me like

a song, Maxine. A beautiful crazy,

song, Maxine. Maxine. Maxine!

MAXINE:

I am dubious, but I don't welsh.

Meet me at The Stuck Pig. Seven

o'clock. You're late, I walk. So

help me, if I find out you cheated.

CRAIG:

(in heaven)

Maxine.

Craig walks down the hall. A tiny smile flits across

Maxine's face.

CUT TO:

INT. JUICY JUICE BAR - EVENING

Lester and Craig sit at a table. There are several emptied

glasses of carrot juice in front of Lester. Craig nurses

one glass, and keeps checking his watch.

LESTER:

Imagine a room full of women.

Nubile, blonde, wet with desire,

Schwartz. A harem, if you will.

Me in leather. A harness, if you

like. I am the object of this

desire, and all eyes are on me as

I speak. “Ladies,” I begin. “I am

the love god, Eros. I intoxicate

you. My spunk is to you manna from

heaven...

CRAIG:

(standing)

Dr. Lester, it's been really

fascinating, but I'm afraid I have

to get home to my wife now.

LESTER:

Wife, huh? I'd love to meet her,

Craig.

CRAIG:

Yessir.

LESTER:

Shall we say dinner on Friday.

Just the two of us?

(afterthought)

You can come too if you like,

Schwartz.

CRAIG:

(checking watch)

That's sounds fine, sir. Gotta

run.

Craig hurries to the door. Lester downs Craig's juice,

signals the waiter for more.

CUT TO:

INT. THE STUCK PIG - NIGHT

Maxine sits at the bar, watching her watch. Craig rushes

into the room, frantic, out of breath. He spots Maxine and

plops himself next to her.

CRAIG:

Made it. Maxine. Maxine, Maxine,

Maxine.

MAXINE:

Just.

CRAIG:

Buy you a drink, Maxine?

MAXINE:

You married?

CRAIG:

Yeah. But enough about me.

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