Being John Malkovich Page #5

Maxine laughs. The bartender approaches.

CRAIG (CONT'D)

What'll you have?

MAXINE:

(to bartender)

The usual, Barry.

CRAIG:

(to bartender)

I'll have, like, a beer. Like a

Budweiser, or something.

The bartender walks away.

CRAIG (CONT'D)

I like you. I don't know what it

is exactly.

MAXINE:

My tits?

CRAIG:

No, no, it's your energy or your

attitude or the way you carry

yourself or...

MAXINE:

Christ, you're not a fag are you?

Because I don't want to be wasting

my time.

The drinks arrive. Maxine's is in an enormous fishbowl of

a glass. It's bright blue, with fruit and marshmallows

swimming in it. Paper umbrellas stick out of it, an

plastic monkeys hang from the rim.

CRAIG:

That's the usual?

MAXINE:

Don’t let the girly sh*t fool you.

It'd blow your shorts off.

Maxine downs it like a shot of whiskey. She pushes the

empty glass to the bartender.

MAXINE (CONT'D)

Set me up again, Barry.

The bartender walks away with the empty glass.

CRAIG:

I’m not a homosexual. I just like

women for more than their bodies.

I guess you could say I'm the new

American male.

MAXINE:

You're a fag or a liar.

CRAIG:

(backpedaling)

I mean, I am really attracted to

you.

MAXINE:

(mocking)

I mean, I am really attracted to

you. Jesus, you are a fag. We can

share recipes, if you like, Darlene.

Maxine gets up.

CRAIG:

(at a loss)

No, wait! I like your tits.

(beat)

I love your tits. I want to f***

you.

MAXINE:

(sitting)

Good. Now we're getting somewhere.

(beat)

Not a chance.

Maxine's second drink comes. She downs it, pushes the

glass toward the bartender.

MAXINE (CONT’D)

So, tell me about yourself. If you

can get your mind out of the gutter

long enough, dog-boy.

CRAIG:

Well, I'm a puppeteer...

The bartender comes back with Maxine's drink.

MAXINE:

(to bartender)

Check.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Lotte is combing Elijah. Craig enters.

CRAIG:

Hi.

LOTTE:

Hi.

CRAIG:

(nervous, talking too much)

Sorry, I'm so late. Lester just

wouldn't let me go. We’re supposed

to have dinner with him on Friday.

I can get us out of it if you want.

He's really amazing, this insane old

lech. It's actually sort of amusing

when you get past just how disgusting

it is.

There is a silence. Lotte continues to comb out Elijah.

Finally:

LOTTE:

Did you eat?

CRAIG:

Nah. I'm not hungry. I'm sorry I

didn't call. It was just, you know,

hard to get away.

LOTTE:

I was worried.

CRAIG:

I'm sorry. How was your evening?

LOTTE:

Tom-Tom's puncture wound is

infected.

CRAIG:

The ferret?

LOTTE:

The iguana.

CRAIG:

Right.

LOTTE:

I dressed the wound. Then I've

just been feeding everyone, putting

everyone to bed.

CRAIG:

Yeah. You want a beer?

LOTTE:

No thanks. I'm going to turn in.

CRAIG:

All right. I'll be in my workshop

for a little while. I'll be in in

a little while. I need to unwind a

little.

(beat)

I'll be in soon. A little while.

LOTTE:

'kay.

Lotte exits.

CUT TO:

INT. GARAGE - NIGHT

Craig works the Craig and Maxine puppets. The puppets

sit on the edge of the small stage and chat. Craig does a

pretty fair impersonation of Maxine's voice.

CRAIG:

(as Maxine, fascinated)

Tell me, Craig, why do you love

puppeteering?

(as Craig)

Well, Maxine, I'm not sure exactly.

Perhaps it's the idea of becoming

someone else for a little while.

Being inside another skin. Moving

differently, thinking differently,

feeling differently.

(as Maxine)

Interesting. Would you like to be

inside my skin, Craig? Think what I

think? Feel what I feel?

(as Craig)

More than anything. Maxine.

(as Maxine)

It's good in here, Craig. Better

than your wildest dreams.

The puppets kiss.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - DAY

Craig waits at the coffee machine. Checks his watch.

Finally Maxine approaches.

CRAIG:

Hi.

MAXINE:

You're not someone I could get

interested in. Craig. You play

with dolls.

CRAIG:

(rehearsed)

Puppets. Maxine. It's the idea

of being inside someone else,

feeling what they feel, seeing

what they see...

MAXINE:

Yikes.

CRAIG:

Please, let me explain.

Craig grabs Maxine's hand and drags her into an empty

office.

CUT TO:

INT. EMPTY OFFICE - DAY

Craig pulls Maxine in closes the door.

CRAIG:

It's just, and I've never done

this before, Maxine, but it's just

that I feel something for you. I've

never felt this before for anyone,

not even my wife. My future is with

you, Maxine.

MAXINE:

You might want to check those tarot

cards one more time.

Maxine heads for the door. Craig sits on a box. He puts

his head in his hands and sighs. Across the room he

notices a very small door with a two by four nailed across

it.

CRAIG:

Another evil secret of the 7 1/2

floor.

Craig pries the two-by-four off and opens the door. It's a

dark and wet membranous tunnel inside.

CRAIG:

Holy sh*t. Maxine is gonna love

this.

Craig lets go of the door and it slams shut.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - DAY

Lester sits at his desk studying an instruction manual for a

juicer. The spanking new juicer sits on his desk. There is an

urgent knocking at the door.

LESTER:

Yes?

Craig rushes in.

CRAIG:

Dr. Lester. . .

LESTER:

Ah, Craig. Just the fellow I wanted

to see.

(proudly spreading his arms)

Juicer! Easy as pie. Just keep your

fingers clear of the blade, and

never, never use it while bathing in

a tub full of water.

CRAIG:

Dr. Lester, I have a question. I was

in that vacant office down the hall

and I stumbled upon a little door

and....

LESTER:

Ah. yes, the little door.

(checks watch)

There is a short film on the little

door in the orientation room in

exactly two minutes. If you hurry,

you'll just make it.

CRAIG:

Thank you, sir.

Craig exits. Lester waits a moment. then dials the phone.

LESTER:

Put up reel 752.

CUT TO:

INT. ORIENTATION ROOM - DAY

Craig sits in the otherwise empty screening room. The

lights dim, the film begins.

TITLE:
THE LITTLE DOOR IN THE VACANT OFFICE

CUT TO:

INT. VACANT OFFICE - DAY

Wendy crouches in the vacant office and studies the closed

little door. Don enters. smiling.

DON:

Hi. Wendy! What're you up to in

this vacant office.

WENDY:

Well, Don, I peeked in here, even

though I know it's against floor

policy. and I discovered that

there's a little tiny door in here.

Isn't it cute? It's almost like a

little dolly's door. I wonder what

it’s for.

DON:

(laughing)

That's right, Wendy, it is against

floor policy, but as long as you're

here, let me tell you what I know

about our cute little door friend.

Many years ago, this very office

was occupied by a kindly old

watchmaker named Mr. White.

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