Believe Me Page #5

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And that's how messed up

everything is in Africa.

Let's pray.

Father God,

lord,

Jesus Christ,

God,

father,

we ask that you just

break our sinful hearts

and just...

Just...

Just help us.

Please help us

help you...

Help Africa.

Okay? Please?

Okay. Now, when we're

done highlighting,

we're gonna dip it into the water

to give it that distressed look.

While these dry,

let's talk vernacular.

Now, the first thing you need

to know is that christians

hate swear words

but love swearing.

If you want to swear like

a Christian, you either

spell out the word

or make it into a letter.

"F" that. Exactly. This'll help you

sound edgy while you're preaching.

All you have to do is preface

it with something like,

"now, I know I might get in

trouble for this, but..."

So here's this guy,

and he's traveling around,

persecuting christians.

Now, I know I'm gonna get

an e-mail about this,

but he's being

kind of an a-hole.

Am I right?

He is.

But this is the thing... and I'm gonna

keep going back to this point...

- Granola bars.

- No.

Fast food. It depends

on how much you spend.

What about pie?

Now we're talking desserts.

If the dessert is part of the meal,

it's probably already been prayed for.

If the dessert is the meal,

best bet's to pray for it.

And then I said, "what's a

calvinist doing in a buffet line?"

Whoa. Allow me, all right?

Heavenly father, thank

you for blessing us...

Bartender, can I get

two Shirley temples,

hold the fruit?

Check it out.

It's Hebrew.

What?

Hebrew.

It's an ancient language.

What does it mean?

I'm not sure.

So, uh, how long

have you

and Gabriel been...

You and Gabriel?

Um, like, a year.

Wow. That's something. Yeah.

Actually,

he's been talking

about starting his own

nonprofit someday,

and I think that's great.

That's great. Yeah.

It is great.

- Great.

- Who is it?

Don't worry about it. Do

you have somewhere to be?

Uh, no.

It's nothing.

It's just a guy.

Were you just

drinking surge?

Okay. He's trying

to quit dipping.

Stained-glass windows, organ

players, church hymnals...

all these things

are dead.

Christians have traded them out for

smoke machines, hipster fashions,

and fair-trade coffee.

Now, with this change comes

new revenue streams,

including, and most

importantly, Christian apparel.

Which is why I propose we start a

clothing line, and we're gonna call it...

"Cross dressing."

Pierce, don't give me...

I like it.

Really?

Yeah.

Thank you. Every t-shirt

that Yale kid wears has

has a Christian brand name

or positive slogan,

so if we come up with our own name or

message, we'll kill it with merchandise.

You know what I say

about little African babies,

like,

who's born in the filth

with flies in his face,

nothing to drink but dirty

sewer water, and I think,

not on my watch.

Yeah.

Not on my watch!

All chanting:

Not on my watch!

Show me the money!

Not on my watch!

Cross dressing's all about

making a statement.

"Abstinence is bad-a!"

Yeah, it's looking at you, kid!

Right in the face!

"F Satan!"

Yeah!

Look at that, girl!

Okay, now,

to the left.

One more time

to the right.

So what does he do?

He goes crawling around,

all around the desert,

only to fall plumb

smack-dab in the middle

of quicksand!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we can get this baby

out of the quicksand!

Brothers,

I only ask you

one question:

God may love you,

but does he like you?

All right. Good morning.

Hey.

Shall we?

Let's join hands.

Heavenly father,

we thank you for

this wonderful day,

and thank you for

all the blessings

that you've given us.

Father...

father God...

as we live out this day,

what are you doing tonight?

Please remind us of all

your unyielding love

and endless grace.

Got to come get some barbecue

with us when we're in Austin.

I'll try.,..As we

head to Austin.

It's kind of

non-negotiable.

...that you continue to

build this ministry up,

that we would fulfill

your calling

to be the biggest faith

event in the whole world.

Let me talk to Gabriel, and maybe

we can meet up with you guys.

Yeah?

Amen.

Amen.

All right.

I'm sure most of you

know about

the recent tragedy in

Zambia, the earthquake,

and as we pair up,

pray for the victims

of that tragedy

and that God's name

be praised throughout.

And be ready to leave

for Austin at 1:
00.

Break it up.

Sam, would you like to be

prayer partners with me?

Do you want to...

dear lord,

first of all, I want to

thank you for this day

and for all

the blessings

that you've

given us.

Father God, in all this

tour craziness,

I want to pray

for Sam.

I pray that you stop

anyone and anything

that might distract him

from helping people

reach you.

Father, throw out

all temptation,

and please give me

the courage

to do whatever is necessary

to hold him accountable.

Oh, and I want to echo

what Ken said earlier

about Zimbabwe.

Amen.

Sam, would you

like to pray?

Did I...

did I do something?

Good chat.

Oh, no, man.

Sam, you have to stay

away from her, all right?

The last thing we need is that guy

running around playing detective.

I got it. Because if he

figures out about the bag...

I said I got it.

Okay, I'm almost

ready for you.

Sam, Brent's

almost ready for you.

All right, look. We have to

do something with that bag.

Get it out of here. Maybe we should

drop it at the house before...

no. Yeah.

Check one.

Check one, check one.

Keep going.

Sam, he's not getting anything!

Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

Check, one, two. I swear, I

can never get this thing.

It always sticks.

Check one.

You got something?

Uh, hi, I'm Sam atwell.

Hello. This is Tyler.

We're good.

We're good? Good.

Are we good?

All right. Tyler.

No, you know what?

Just stay focused, Sam.

Okay?

Hey, Sam, hey.

I need to check the

pickups in your mic.

Yeah, it's fine,

it's fine.

That's what I thought too, but

the pickups... let me just...

Yale, it's fine.

I said I got it.

I can handle it.

Okay?

Yeah, you can handle it.

Hey, you know what? You could

lighten up a little bit.

We're putting on a pretty amazing show.

It's not just a show anymore.

Hey. Hey, Sam.

Hey!

How are you?

Fantastic, thank you.

I just had to tell you

how truly inspired

I have been by

your last two sermons.

That's great, dude. That's awesome.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Hey, Sam...

Yeah?

I think God wants me

to go to Africa.

Just forget about school.

Drop everything here

and just go.

I know there are missionaries

leaving from Houston in a few days.

I understand that money may be a

huge issue and everything, but...

I just had to ask you,

how do you know what it is

that God wants you to do?

Well, I mean,

if you think about it, why wouldn't God

want you to go to Africa, you know?

I say if you feel

in your heart that God's

calling you to do that,

just go for it, dude.

Yes, yes, yes!

Definitely.

I... I just wish that God would

just pick up the phone, you know,

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