Bell Book and Candle Page #4

Good morning, Pyewacket.

Good morning. [Meows]

[Bell jingling]

[Sighs]

Mmm, Pyewacket.

Have we done something

dreadful? Hmm?

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

[ Thinking ] Merle, I've been taking stock.

I'd make an impossible husband.

Well, things I've never told' you.

I-I gargle. I eat radishes.

I chew tobacco. I spit.

[ Thinking ] I'm an insomniac.

Don't sleep at all.

I stomp around the bedroom

all night long, talking to myself.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

Besides all that, I snore.

What? You won't be happy with me, Merle.

Not at all.

Oh, Shep, what's the matter with you?

Matter?

Well, I don't know exactly.

You look green.

Darling, I hope you haven't too

much of a hangover from last night.

No, you're just nervous

You'll be all right.

Bonita phoned from Westport. She's found a minister

for us, and he'll be ready for us at 1:00.

He even arranges

for the photographers.

Isn't it exciting?

It's no good, Merle.

It's just no good.

No use.

Are you still drunk?

No, I'm not drunk

I'm not drunk.

I may be intoxicated,

but not drunk.

You're certainly

not acting like yourself.

No, I'm not.

You're almost like another person.

That's exactly the way I feel, Merle-

like another person.

And I just don't seem to want

to marry you any longer.

And you wouldn't want me to marry you

when I don't want to, would you?

Are you trying to say you're...

jilting me?

That's a very heavy word, Merle.

That's a very heavy word.

Let's just say that we're uncoupling.

You sound like a lunatic.

Yes, that's very true.

Very true.

Merle...

I'm sorry, Merle.

I can't really explain this.

I don't fully understand it myself.

What am I supposed to tell people?

Just what do you expect me to do?

You could go back to Arthur O'Neill,

the fellow you jilted.

Or you could take a world cruise.

You could redecorate this apartment.

It really needs it, Merle.

You are a vile, sleazy-

Uh-huh.

Contemptible-

Uh-huh. I'm a cad.

Good-bye, Merle.

Almost forgot my hat.

Oop. Sorry.

Excuse me. Taxi!

Good morning, Tina.

Nice Christmas?

Oh, very nice.

And yours, Mr. Henderson? Superb.

The mail is on your desk,

and Mr. White is in,

and the Faulkner galleys

are ready.

And that gentleman

is waiting to see you.

Bergdorf called about that negligee

you wanted sent to Miss Kittridge.

I see. Tina, why don't you just have them

send that to your house? Hmm?

And I'm not going to have lunch

with Miss Kittridge, or dinner.

So you can just cancel all those reservations.

You mean you've broken up with that...

And we don't want to have a perfectly

good negligee go to waste, do we?

Uh, Mr. Henderson,

I'm Sidney Redlitch.

You don't know me, but, uh,

I think I want to see you.

- You're who?

- Redlitch.

Magic in Mexico.

Magic in Mexico?

Oh, of course.

Uh, Redlitch.

Well, I'm glad to see you.

I'm astonished to see you.

Here, sit down.

Yeah, I was just talking

to some...

I was talking to some people

just the other night about you.

Only I understood you were in Mexico

Yeah, that's, uh- that's right.

[Sighs] You see, there is this new

book that I'm about to get into.

And all of a sudden

I get this urge,

this uncontrollable urge

to talk with you about it.

First, I figured I'd write to you.

Then I thought maybe I'd phone.

All of a sudden

I decided I had to see you.

Sol grabbed a plane,

and here I am.

[Shudders] I didn't expect this kind of weather.

It's chilly here, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- [Sighs]

Are you looking for something?

Um, a little, um,

post-Christmas cheer?

Oh, certainly. Tina, get the...

- Scotch? Bourbon?

- It doesn't make any difference.

Uh, sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, um...

Mr. Henderson.

You ever publish anything

on witchcraft?

Uh, no.

You know anything about it?

Well, not exactly.

You will. You will.

When this new one comes out, this

will knock you over. It will?

Water or soda? Uh... [Mumbles]

Knock 'em over.

[Shepherd Chuckles]

Shep, I thought

that we might- Oh.

Oh, Andy, come in.

Meet Sidney Redlitch.

This is my partner, Andy White, Mr. Redlitch.

How do you do, sir?

Mr. Redlitch wrote Magic in Mexico.

Oh, yes.

Yes, remember that one? He's just about to do another.

What are you going to call this one?

Magic in Manhattan,

or Witchcraft Around Us.

- Is it around us?

- You bet your boots it is, son. It's all around us.

You probably thought it was kind of

confined to the jungles and the tropics.

Well, it's not. It's right here

New York is full of 'em.

[Chuckles] Full of what?

- Witches, boy. Witches.

- Now, how do you know that?

Oh, sure. Go ahead.

Uh, what was that?

Scotch.

Make this one bourbon,

would you?

How do I know?

I've met a couple.

Met them through my book,

before I went to Mexico.

Take my word for it. Right here, all around

us, there's a whole community of them.

- What do they look like?

- Like anybody else.

Like, uh- Like her.

- Like him.

- [Shepherd Stifles Laugh]

- Of course, when it's a man it's called a warlock.

- Mm-hmm.

- Did you know they can't cry?

- They can't cw?

Physically impossible for a witch

to shed a tear or blush.

When you throw them in the water,

they float.

Well, you mean you can actually

contact these people?

Of course you can contact them.

They have their hangouts.

And they're open to the public-

cafs and bars and nightclubs.

They've got a place there

in the Village- the Zodiac.

Then over in Brooklyn,

there's one called the...

You don't take this

very seriously, do you?

Oh, yes, I do. But I've got

some work to do right now.

Besides, Mr. Henderson's in complete

charge of our abracadabra department.

Well, see you later.

Um, uh, Redlitch,

you said the Zodiac.

The little place in the cellar? Yeah, yeah.

The headquarters is downstairs.

Their headquarters?

Is that- Well, I'll be darned.

- What's the matter?

- Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

What are you doing this evening?

I'd like you to have a drink

with a couple friends of mine.

Oh, sure. I'd love to.

[Redlitch] There's something else about them.

They can't cry.

They can't shed a tear

or blush.

If you throw them in the water,

they float.

Tell them about the Zodiac,

the place where Nicky works.

Mmm, the Zodiac.

That's their headquarters.

The place is infested with them.

What do you know?

Just take a good look

at the proprietor sometime.

You mean to tell me

he's a witch?

- Absolutely.

- What is it they call a man witch?

- [ Redlitch ] A warlock.

- A warlock.

Warlock. You'd never know it

to look at him, would you?

You wouldn't, but I would.

You can recognize them?

Like a shot.

How?

Just a look or a feeling

or something.

I can't put my finger on it,

but if one came in here right now

I'd know him in a minute.

Yeah.

I wonder if we know

any of them?

I wonder. I suppose

there's lots of it around.

- Yeah, it's sort of like the u.

- Make fun, make jokes, but my old publisher's interested.

Oh, no. Oh, no. As a matter of fact,

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