Bernard And Doris Page #5

Oh my God.

What did you say?

You know, I bet a lot

of guys find you hot.

- You have a great face.

- No, I don't.

No, really, it's so sensitive.

Oh, it's...

What?

Miss Duke...

What do you want from me?

From me.

- Miss Duke?

- What do you want?

I mean, you don't

f*** me, do you?

- No, I don't want anything.

- You don't steal from me.

- Do you steal from me?

- No, I don't want anything.

Well then, what do

you want from me?

I want to take care of you.

I just want to take care of you.

Come on, Lafferty.

Hit the gas, will you?

- Come on.

- I don't want to go too fast here.

It's... it's a wee road here.

Oh for God's sake,

all right, pull over.

- Pull over, stop stop stop stop.

- What?

I'll show you.

- You all right there, ma'am?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Got the seat belt?

- No no, just go.

Okay.

Just slow down a bit.

Hi.

You hit 80 back there.

Are you aware of that?

Oh yeah, mm-hm.

And also, before you ask me,

I do not have my license on me.

Okay, I'm gonna have to

ask you to step out of the car, ma'am.

Oh, it's too cold, really. I can't.

Okay.

Who's your friend?

Oh, that's the Sultan of Brunei.

- Welcome to New Jersey.

- Thanks.

Okay, I'm gonna have

to breathalyze you.

I don't think so.

I don't really want to be breathalyzed.

- Sorry.

- Then, I'm gonna have to take you in.

No, I don't think so.

Just get on your little walkie-talkie

or your radio or something

and talk to your chief,

because he and I are

buddies from way back.

Then he'll be glad to see you

down at the station house.

- What?

- Okay, come on, let's go.

No. Whoa!

Uh, ma'am, I'm coming!

Wait a minute. Sultan?

Lucky thing,

you knowing the judge.

Oh, I know a lot of people.

He seemed

awfully happy to see you.

Ah, well, yes.

We had a little moment

in the coatroom

of the Phillips Club

about 20 years ago.

I don't find that funny.

You would if you'd been there.

Do you know how many

alcohol-abuse charities we support?

How do you think they'll feel

accepting money from a drunk?

Ironic.

You have a moral obligation

to set a good example.

Lighten up a little bit.

You know, Lafferty and I, we're just

trying to have a little bit of fun.

Right, Lafferty?

Yes, ma'am.

Just the coffee, please,

thank you.

Oh, all right.

Thank you, Lafferty.

That'll be all.

Ma'am.

In all the years

I've known you,

you've never paid

the slightest attention to your staff.

- But this guy...

- He puts up with my sh*t.

He's great with my orchids.

He embroiders, for God's sake.

- He's a bad influence, Doris.

- I like him.

Ahem.

Doris, I've seen you

figure people out

in 10 seconds flat.

You are a brilliant judge of character.

Why can't you see that

this guy is up to something?

How much does she pay you?

- Excuse me?

- Your salary.

What does she pay you?

Five grand a month?

I think you know my salary, sir.

You have access to the records.

I'm writing you a check

for $200,000.

- $200,000?

- Mm-hm.

That's right.

On condition you go away

and stay away.

L... I don't understand.

Miss Duke hired you

to be her butler,

not her drinking buddy.

Did... did she ask you

to pay me off?

Okay, I... Miss Duke would not

be very happy

if I walked out on her.

Loyalty is very important to her.

I agree, loyalty is

a valuable commodity.

Let's make it $500,000.

Do... do you think that's enough?

Give you

a little breathing space.

I am not that easy.

Good evening, sir.

Dear Lafferty, I get to

my house in Newport on Tuesday,

so make sure

they fix the roof pronto.

I'm not having workmen

all over the place while I'm there.

I thought I'd be back Sunday

but I got invited

to Bali with George.

It is too good to pass up.

So I'll be stopping in Hong Kong

on the way to Indonesia,

May 10th through the 24th.

Book the Peninsula,

I want my usual suite.

Make sure I get my rate.

And I'll probably end up in Hawaii

in my house for the summer

but I'm staying in

my Beverly Hills house along the way.

And the screening room

is still a mess.

Go there and oversee

things yourself if you have to.

Use Frequent Flier miles

if possible.

All right, Lafferty,

I've decided to extend my trip

to see the migration

in Botswana.

And please please please

make sure all my furs are in storage.

I don't want them moldering

away in the cedar closet

a moment longer.

Oh, while you're at it,

see if you can get the stains

out of the Balenciaga.

I don't know how they got there,

but it is unwearable at this point.

Sincerely, Doris Duke.

Welcome home, Miss Duke.

Thank you, Lafferty.

I am so glad to be back.

Oh my goodness, look at you.

Look at your hair.

- It's gotten so long.

- I can cut it if you'd like.

No, I like it.

It's so Jagger, isn't it?

- It is?

- Yes.

- Morocco was great?

- Great, yes.

Absolutely.

But exhausting.

I brought you back

a little something.

A little gift?

Are you chewing gum?

Oh.

Excuse me, ma'am,

I'll take it out.

I don't think

I've ever seen you chew gum.

Look, your present... voil.

For you. Hm?

- What?

- Mm-hm.

- Here.

- That's for me?

That's for you.

Try it on.

- No no, it isn't.

- Yes.

- Come on, don't be silly.

- You're teasing me.

- Put your arm in.

- It's a caftan, is it?

- Yes it is.

- Oh!

An antique caftan.

That's... oh, it's a perfect fit.

Look at that. How brilliant am I?

That's gorgeous.

Perfect fit.

Oh thank you,

it's just beautiful.

Look, it's hand-embroidered,

isn't it?

It certainly is.

I can't believe it.

It's the most beautiful

present I've ever had.

- Uh-huh.

- It is.

- Gorgeous.

- Oh my God.

I feel like... I feel like

Lawrence of Arabia.

Ha ha! You know what?

This is missing a button.

I just remembered.

Could you take care of that?

I will of course, Miss Duke.

Thank you so much.

- You're so welcome.

- Thank you.

I can't believe it.

Well.

I mean, how could this happen?

Look at this... crown rot.

We might as well just pitch these.

And look at this.

It's got scale.

I mean, how did this happen?

- How did that happen?

- Well, I told the...

- I told the gardener...

- That's why I left you in charge.

Not the gardener. Now you're gonna have

to just wipe the whole thing down.

I can fix it.

I can fix it.

Okay, right here.

Here's the Pearla.

- I know where it is, ma'am.

- Well then do it.

- Not enough bark.

- I know what to do, ma'am.

Well then, do it then.

Now that's too much bark.

Please, Miss Duke,

I can handle this.

All right, and it's 2 too hot in here.

So turn that down,

wipe down all the plants,

repot everything.

And don't forget

the f***ing baskets.

Yes, ma'am.

Keep your breath going.

Okay, keep your

breath going.

What?

- Miss Duke?

- Yes?

Waldo Taft.

What about him?

He's coming

to dinner tonight.

- Oh yeah.

- What does he like to eat?

Oh God, what about that...

is that salmon

still in the freezer?

Well, I'm not allowed

to throw anything out,

so it's still there.

Mm, then tell the chef

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